Chik-fil-A & other stupid shit.

OK I havent written for awhile. There are reasons for that. I've covered a few of them. But due to things that happened over the last week I feel compelled to bitch a little.

So, hang on, I'm gonna let the feathers fly.

First, I'm not gay. I'm as straight as an arrow. Usually first thing in the morning. Occassionally when out in public which is just another reason I draw attenetion.

This Chik-fil-A thing......It disgusts me. I dont care what your religious beliefs are. Practice them all you want. But don't fuckin force your opinions on me. Chik-fil-A hasnt done that. What they have done is taken a side on a very combustible & controversial issue. You dont believe in gay marriage Mr. Cathy? Fine. But when you publicize that & fly it under your company's banner don't get upset when a large portion of the population disagrees & boycotts your product.

For clarification here's EXACTLY what was said. In it's proper context. I also agree with the commentary that follows. You may not but I do & it's my fuckin' blog so suck it.:p

There is no reason that I can see why the LGBT community shouldnt have the same rights as anyone else in this country. The people in support of Chik-fil-A would argue that marriage is the union between a man & a woman.

Well that really depends on what religion you happen to believe in or if you don't believe in religion at all.

And for the record, I dont see any modern day "Christians" sacrificing lambs on an altar or staying away from pork. That's right you redneck hypocrite sonsofbitches. No more fucking barbecue for you. It's a sin. Read the book you keep thumpin' on.

As an agnostic theist (look it up) I have studied almost all of the major world religions to some degree or another. I've been referred to as a "seeker"

That basically means I don't believe the stories. Any of them. I have a high IQ & am analytical in nature. I need some fact backing my forthrighteousness.

What harm does it do to you? What's the real problem? Uncomfortable with gays? Is it fear? What does it matter to you?

Seriously, your neighbors being gay does not make any difference to your way of life as far as I can tell. So whats the problem?

It comes down to religious & political beliefs. Well as Bono so eloquently put it, "My God isn't short of cash mister." And to oppose is to divide the people into subcategories (little boxes on the hillside. little boxes made of ticky tacky.) which makes it all too easy for the political machine to manipulate

So, that's kinda it. My stance on Chik-fil-a is a big go fuck yourself. I won't eat there. I won't support an organization that opposes my views. Thats democracy people. If you think that separation, divide & conquer, oppression are the things you support then by all means go eat that crap. BTW, check the nutrional info. Better yet, HERE! I did it for ya. And notice how "easy" it isnt to actually get the info as to whats in this shit. http://www.chick-fil-a.com/Food/Menu

It's amazing to me how people cannot or will not allow others the same freedoms or even to share their personal views without being bullied, threatened or attacked.

So that guy likes to suck dick. Big deal. And she feels more masculine & loves toys & the feminine mystique. Who cares? Get off the Puritan standard of sexuality perpetuated in this country since its founding by white european zealots. Slavery didnt work. Most of the laws in this country are fucked up. What does it matter if a couple homosexuals take advantage of the same tax breaks you exploit or pay into a health insurer. Someone prove to me I'm wrong on this. PLEASE. I beg you. Without using YOUR religion & encompassing what is good for all people of this country, prove me wrong.

Now I got unfriended the other day for sharing this view. Rick Polk. Some of you know him. And I have no problem naming names on this. My opinion is he is a racist, hate monger. He gets off on guns & porn & beer.

Now I like guns & porn & beer too but all within reason. Let's try to stay balanced & reasonable shall we? When you physically threaten another human being because their views are different than yours. Because they are different from you thats ignorance. It's loss of intellectual talent to be able to continue to support your own view & argument & rather than concede a point or even allow for something other than your view to exists. Moreover, it's illegal. Thats right kiddies, it's whats known these days as a terroristic threat & in GA it carries a potential penalty of 5 yrs in prison.

Trust me, I know a little about this law. So Ricky, you get a pass. I'm just that kind of guy. But next time you print a threat, I'll exercise my rights under the Republican gov't you so proudly support.

That's all. I'm spent. Try to be tolerant. Try to actually practice what is preached. Be excellent to each other.

PEACE

mom's day

My mother would have been 68 yrs old today. It's her birthday today. It's also the day she died on in 2007.

Mom died on her 63rd birthday. July 8th, 2007.

Until you lose a caring mother it's impossible to know what that feels like.

Over the years I've known quite a few people who have lost their mother too. I feel for them. I can empathize. I also feel a sense of not being alone & a welcome to the club mentality. That last one seems strange to me but its there.

It's Sunday morning. All is quiet. As is usually the case around here during the 7, 8, 9. & sometimes 10 o'clock hours. If they aren't rushing around to get somewhere then no one here is usually up for the morning.

Eh, better for me I think. I like this time alone. It's the middle of the day & the night time that I don't like being alone so much.

But back to Mom. I miss her everyday. It's hard not to think about her. The person that loved & nurtured you more than anyone else ever will. Plus her imprint is on the things I do.

It's a funny statement when you hear someone say, "OMG, I'm turning into my mother."
But the truth is you were ALWAYS going to turn into your mother. You just didnt know it then.

Mom had faults. We all do. And you pick up on those too. You're not a carbon copy but little things stick with you.

Cooking. Mom was a great cook. Taught both my sister & I how. We're both pretty good cooks in our own right now. The kids arent interested in learning but they will be. And then it'll be tough. Maybe a fiasco or 2 along the way. OK by me...not my kids. But I didnt want to learn until I got out on my own either. I'm sure it will even itself out.

Dramas. Mom loved watching dramatic TV. And this was in a time before you had 100 channels to choose from. I can remember being home sick from school. The 'Price is Right' which is still on at the same time of day. Then it went into soap operas. God I hated those. But at night time Mom controlled the TV. I was the remote until TV's came with remote controls. I learned how to adjust rabbit ears too. But it was Dad that showed me the tin foil trick.

Cop shows, Medical shows. All that primetime junk that, honestly, I don't really watch anymore. I like the reality stuff better. If I'm gonna watch a crime drama then I'm gonna watch a real one. No scripts needed. But I was well versed in those shows from an early age. I watched Marcus Welby MD along with a whole host of shows that by just their name alone can take you back to a different place.

Now thats not to say we didnt get to watch stuff we as kids wanted to. We did.

But I also remember when we got a little older that mom & dad would go out more. Drinking mostly. We'd get left behind with a sitter or, later, by ourselves. I gues I was around 10 when that started happening. Sis woulda been 13 then so that sounds bout right.

Anyway, when they left they always had instructions. And let us know what there was to eat, so on, so forth. To this day I cant eat totino's frozen pizza or any type of pot pie. Just cant do it. I think I'm missing out sometimes with the pot pies but not the cheap, little plastic squares of fake pepperoni on cardboard crust. I see the new ads on TV for those now & I'm like no fuckin' way. There's all kinds of stuff I would suffer thru before eating one of those sonsofbitches again. Just bad memories.

Isnt that funny how you can associate bad times with things. Random things that in any other persons world would be totally insignificant but in yours it has made an impression on your psyche that will last the test of time.

Just like the memory of my mother. She will always be there. In some ways she's in my life more now than she was then. She's always with me now.

One of the best things I ever did was to go take care of her as she left the hospital following her cancer surgery. 5wks I spent with her. Cleaning, changing dressings, feeding thru the tube in her stomach. She couoldnt eat anymore so fed thru a tube. It was awful for her. She loved food too. But during the last she didnt get to enjoy any of it.

She couldnt really talk. Very little & it was a struggle. Lotes of notepads & written messages.
One thing I did though didnt need any words. I could still eat. Mom would buy stuff & keep it in the freezer. So I raided the freezer. Got some shrimp out one night. And made Shrimp Arabbiata. I dressed out the plate. It looked like a meal you would get at a 4 star restaurant by the time I was done.

Mom watched every move I made. When I could smell the cooking I got concerned because I didnt want to torment her. I hesitated & stopped. Asked if she was ok with it. She nodded it was fine. And I finished. When I got done I showed off my creation. She smiled an approving smile. And spoke a few words about how it looked so good & how she was proud of me. How I learned & taken things to another level. Which is what any parent wants for there child isnt it?

I ate. It was good. Really good. But bittersweet.

Some time later I had to leave. I hated to but I needed to try to work things out at home. That was falling apart too. Although I had a bit of a blind eye to it. I just knew I needed to get home & take care of my other family. A couple weeks later Dad & I went back to the house to start the moving process. See Dad had to find a new job. He did, in Florida. So we were gonna move the big heavy stuff ourselves & only son got drafted. No big deal. We spent a few days. Loaded truck & trailer beyond capacity & got ready to leave. We had forgotten something. A crystal chandelier. Mom came out the front door at a run. Well, what a run was for her. I jumped out. Grabbed the fixture, gave her a kiss, put it in the cab & we were off.

She was standing on the front porch. As I looked back I could see the pond & landscaping in the background. Took in the view of the house that Dad & I had built by hand, and my mother waving goodbye. A smile put on an un happy face. She was sad but she smiled anyway.

6 weeks later we got a call from the hospital. she was having trouble breathing. The home nurse took her to the emergency room. They said we should come. So at the drop of a hat my father was on a plane from fla. to Atl. where he met up with my sister & I and we all flew to StL.

When we got there she was unconscious. The cancer had come back. It had overtaken her in just those few short weeks. She never woke up again. We were all there til the last breath. Holding hands. Her surrounded by her family. No pain.

I can remember seeing the color of her face change when she died. It just drained away. I do remember that.

But the memory I always get when I just think of Mom is her standing on the front porch waving goodbye. Comforting me that she was OK when I think she knew she wasnt. Protective motherly instincts to the last.

At least thats the way I'm gonna carry it.

So on this Sunday, July 8, 2012 I wish my mother a happy birthday. A day of remeberance. And its nice to know that she is still with me wherever I go. Whatever I go thru. I can always close my eyes & see Mom.

PEACE!!!

Clinic Day

So yesterday was clinic day. It was also a very long day. Clinic went fine. A few minor things. Prescripyion tweakings & what not but all in all, very positive. And everyone there was very complimentary & positive as well.

So, Clinic done. Oh wait, I got my shower bag yesterday. I'm sure you dont know what I'm talking about. There is this additional piece of equipment. Kinda looks like a messenger bag, that the system controller & batteries go into. Only the lead going into my body is exposed & apparently its healed enough that I can use this thing. And with this bag I can now take a shower. YAY!!! Can't wait. Read thru all the instructions last night & as soon as someone gets up this morning so I have a live body around in case something does happen I'm all about taking a shower. Imagine only being able to sponge bathe for 2 months.

Well thats all about to change. YAY!!! another bridge crossed.

After clinic Sis had an appt scheduled for a tattoo. Some signals got crossed  but I did know about it. Thought things were gonna go down a different way but I ended up going with her. It was kinda fun but long. I was without some meds I woulda liked to have but I suffered thru. We ate lunch first at a little mom & pop joint called "vittles" It was packed @ 1145. Full of seniors, working guys & poor folk for the most part. It was right next to the tattoo parlor, It was good. It was cheap too. We got in & outta there for $10 total.

Works for me.

So sat thru about 3 1/2 hrs of tattooing. And her skin just couldnt take anymore so had to reschedule another session to finish up. It should be a cool piece & she has wanted it for a long time. Just not sure why she spends the money on things like that when money is an issue. I'm pretty sure she wont let me starve so whatever.

I thought about the work I would like to have done. Pieces I want finished. I couldnt do anything yesterday of course. Cant risk infection & stuff. Plus not tough enough to take that pain on top of what I already have. And lastly, I'm on blood thinners. IN the future I will have to notify Dr's & stuff to stop using those drugs in enough time so aI could get a tattoo.

I may never get that to happen. But its not the end of the world & its nothing I need to worry about right now anyway. But the thoughts crossed my mind so I share with you.

And that brings me to my bitch of the day. Gotta have something to rail on & I got a good one. Knew this would happen. Actually took longer than I thought.

Sis & I got into some discussions. Deeper, personal stuff, about me, who I am, who I've become. Apparently I'm negative & an asshole quite a bit of the time.

I don't think so. I do believe I'm more negative & I can be grumpy at times. Both of which are explainable & if you havent walked a mile in my shoes then you saved yourself from walking a mile. But you also can't understand. I've been beaten on for so long. This heart thing has been a dominant controlling factor in my life for over 15 yrs. People in white coats of authoritative natures have been telling me I'm at higher risk for falling over dead. POOF! than the next guy. It wears on you. I've been taking medicines everyday for over a third of my life.

It's always there. It never goes away. It has kept me living in a perpetual state of fear for a very long time.
It's depressing & With the other deaths & failures both personally & professionally I have been a beaten man.

I'm supposed to snap out of it. I have this gift now that gives me life but I'm afraid to live it. I'm also scared or worrysome about every little thing that comes my way now.

But it's all changed. It's all new. I think things are getting better everyday. & progress nis being made so over time, Sis' perception of me may change. Others perception of me may change. My perception of me may change. And thats probably most important.

But really, You can't know. You cant understand what its like. A few can empathize but for the most part its a foreign concept that most people just dont understand.

After having this discussion I realized that is why people have bailed on me in my times of trouble. I'm negative & bitter & beaten & angry. No shit! So either deal & help out or bolt. Most have chosen the latter. Whatever, I'm making new friends. Meeting new people. Those of which have been thru similar things & can relate more. It's comforting. It's gonna be a good thing

But even with that, I need help. Counselling to cope & process all this stuff in my head. Cuz I'm still emotional. Overly sensitive & basically, pretty mental. I'm gonna make some calls about getting some help for that.

And that brings me round to my bitch.

See, Sis knows I write this thing but she doesnt read it. She has said several times that if she did she wouold find something that would piss her off & that would create issues. And she's right. So I take it on faith that this is private for me, while being posted publically. (irony?) nAnd she writes her own stuff that I'm not involved with at all.

We don't pry or push into each others lives like that.

Now, I have said some things on here. I've bitched & moaned & complained about a lot of stuff. My sister being one of them. Lately a pronounced one. But know this. I love my sister. Very much. I'd take a bullet for her anytime. She HAS been there for me. When no one, & I mean no one else has. Some of you reading this have had the chance & opportunity to reach out & extend an olive branch or a hand up & you've turned the other way & acted like I wasnt there. Like you didnt notice or care. Shame on you. But fuck it. I don't need you. I'm dealing with it the best I can. And you havent been ther before so why worry about it now.

I'd welcome you but still, nothing. OK your choice. Here's where it crosses the line. Apparently people that are on both my friends list & my sisters friends list have read my blogs & then gone back to tell my sister..." Have you seen what your brother wrote?" He's an asshole." Among other things.

That's being a fuckiing GOSSIP. She doesnt need you to tell her what is in my blog. She could read it for herself. HELL! The fucking drafts are on HER computer. So you know who you are. Shut the fuck up & mind your own business. Quit getting into the middle of the only true blood family that either of us have anymore. Your comments to her &/or about me are not fucking welcome.

And so with that I willk be deleting alot of posts that I have had on here. I will be editing more & this will no longer be the raw emotional thin it started out as. I wont let un named source get between my family & I. Pray I don't find out EXACTLY who did what. I will fuck with your life if I do. Promise!

I cant believe that as old as we all are. As mature as we're supposed to be,n people act with such high school mentality. Guess evolution only goes so far.

And for clarification. This blog is raw. Totally raw. Just emotion & feeling felt at the time put down on a page. It's not exactly how I feel when I take the moment to breathe & really assess. Shame on you for not doing your research. For forming an opinion...NO! A judgment on me & what I'm about. You probably consider yourself a Christian & still behave like this. Pitiful.

Now I may say some unflattering things. And I may make comments that are inflammatory. And while there is some seed of truth to how I feel, this thing is an outlet plain & simple. A way to vent. And for like minded or empathetic people to relate with me.

Keep your nose out of my business. PERIOD!!!

But with that, I know that you can't be trusted to do that so I'm removing content. Each blog will be edited & re-written after I've given myself a full 24 hrs to rethink what I really want you to know or see.

No more just dumping my feelings onto a page. I could do that privately in a personal hand written journal but it just hasnt had the cleansing effect that this has. So, congratulations, Dysfunctional, judgmental, uninformed, uneducated opinion prevails & I will fall into the line where I censor myself to avoid the confrontation that inevitably comes from it.

Like I said earlier, I knew this was going to happen. It just took longer than I thought. Shameful.

You just cant take it for what it is. You cant leave it alone. Did you think you were helping? Protecting? What good could come from your actions? You're just stirring the pot. Trying to cause damage without even thinking about what you're doing.

FUCK! At least I know what I'm writing down. I know whats reality & whats just bitchin' And you twist it into something its not. Something you perceive that isnt reality for me or my sibling.

I've been hard on this family. They've been hard on me. None of us are perfect. But we do love each other & we do care enough to not leave each others side cuz that's how we were raised.

I've done enough of this today. I'm going back to delete the catalog of blogs that came before this. And rest assured, you have closed off an outlet for me to be expressive & release the negative things I keep inside. Congrats again & thanks SO much for helping...Fucking gossipy cunts.

PEACE!!! Its a state of mind. A way to handle things. I wish & strive for PEACE.

I'd say I'd pray for you but I wont. Id say I forgive you, but I dont. You have interfered & taken from me & my family. I'll admit to exposing myself & my family but you must live with the fact that you took what was pure emotion & used at as a weapon against me. Against us.

For those of you who have followed along & understood where I've been coming from. What is real & what is ranting, I apologize but this thing will never be the same again & it probably wont be long befor e it no longer exists & I'm on to different things.

So for now.....FUCK OFF BITCHES!


OH yeah, after the long car ride home. The pain I was feeling & the pain she waqs feeling & our discussions, we had dinner @ a mexican joint. It was pretty good. Taco salad for me. It was the special of the day. No sour cream thank you. Still wasnt overly healthy but my numbers are good right now & I've stabilized in weight due to my diet change. And those script tweakings I mentioned earlier all reflect that. So after dinner we came home relaxed, took care of our own personal issues & she went to bed early I hung out for a while & watched some TV til the night time go sleepy meds kicked in. First theres a groggy kinda high (which is the nonly time I get to use drugs recreationally anymore & then there comes the Gonna fall asleep in my soup kinda thing. Followed by bobbing head & finally submission that its time for bed.  I slept about 7 hrs. Its 1000 bnow & I'nm still the only one up & about. It was a tiring 2 days for all of us. Nephew is alrweady at work this morning so Cant leave him out. He's doing his thing. But sis & niece....still crashed out hard.

Its OK I like the quiet. And yes I did make the choice long ago to remain alone...Single is what they call it but basically, you're alone. My reasons were regrettable but I made my choices then. I have to deal with the consequences of those now. Just like my progressive heart disease. You have to deal with what youve done. Maybe not immediately but eventually it comes back on you.

Just like this will come back on those who did wrong here. Karma is a bitch. It will get you. Of that I'm fairly certain.

I'm out. To my friends & followers...Enjoy the day. To those who mean to do harm consciously or not. Go jump.

I'm out

my normal day

My normal day should consist of a few things. The chores I have with my machine & batteries.

The cleaning & dressing of my wound site.

Food. Lots of food.

Meds. Gotta take them at pretty much the same time everyday.

And log all of this in a nice little binder.

It's not hard but it does take some getting used to.

I had a draft of a blog from Sunday but it just wasnt what I wanted to say or, more importantly, the attitude I wanted to convey. It's tough around here. I think I've let that be known. No need to dwell. Right? Either offer up a solution or go on to something else.

So that's what I'm trying to do.

Yesterday it was cool in the morning. The sun hadn't yet burned off the previous nights rain. So it wasnt God awful humid yet. The cushions were wet on the deck chairs so it was tie for me to get back on scheduke & go for a walk.

I did. And, I did good. The furthest I've gone so far but didnt increase my time walking. Which was a little bit of a bummer but I hadnt done it in a couple of days & I did make a difference in distance.

I must be getting faster. Which means I'm performing better. Just not for long periods of time. About 15-17 minutes is what I walked. Dont really know a distance. But after the walk I came straight in went to my room & started an upper body workout. Got clearance last thurs but with light weights. I'm using 1 lb weights. That sounds so wimpy & weak. But I did all exercises to the point of failure/exhaustion of each muscle or group. Seemed to be about 50 reps each working bi's tri's, shoulders back & limited chest. No butterflys. Dr's orders. I do still have a split sternum.


 All in all it took about 35 minutes to do it. Maybe closer to an hour. But I did it. The intimidation was gone.


Today I stepped out early. It seemed hot & humid. Sis got up a little bit later. Then she said it didnt feel that bad outside. I should go for a walk. So I did.


Walked even further then the day before. Still havent increased my endurance. So I'm moving better. No walker anymore. I retired it. Getting faster & feel my stride becoming more natural until I'm tired & going up hill. Then the steps get shorter & a little shuffling of the feet. But I keep my phone on me. & I'm carrying a walking stick. Just in case.


But I'll tell you one thing. This vest for my batteries has to go. Need some new engineering. It's constantly pulling on my shoulders & back. Makes it hard to keep a decent posture.


The stuff advertised is WAY too expensive for me to afford right now. But there is one guy that I know of that re-did his own. I may have to call him.


Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive. May get in a light arms & calves workout later today. And its definitely sponge bath time. Anybody wanna help with that? 


Tomorrow is 4th of July. We are going to Sis' BF's house in douglasville. Thats kinda a long way & I'm a bit intimidated by that. Don't know how long we're gonna be there & that freaks me out some too. We're eating early but sis wants to stay out or go somewhere for fireworks. I may request a drop off at home or something. Not sure how all this is gonna work. But I'm charging all my batteries. Double checking my emergency kit. It seemed a big step but its coming more into proportion. I have to get on with my life. Just not sure how to do that when I'm under the infloence of lithium ions.


Have a great holiday if I dont talk to you again. I'm not staying behind & missing my mothers brisket recipe. And I'm not holding back on the BBQ fare tomorrow. If I'm gonna risk it then I'm gonna enjoy myself. Diet stops tomorrow. A one day reprive. Hope everyone understands.....And it doesnt screw up my blood numbers this week.


PEACE!!!

HOT DAY #1

It got hot out there. I want to try to do things & I just can't. I'm not even allowed. And the next 2 days are supposed to be even hotter. Guess I'll be doing my walks first thing in the am. Early a.m. Maybe sneak in a late evening one.

I cant work upper body everyday. Gonna skip today & start tomorrow. I'm restricted to no more than 10 lbs. But it was suggested I start lower than that & build into more weight over several weeks time.

I'm following instructions. The people guiding me Have more degrees than the thermometer hit today so,  wtf do I know? Little steps.

Sis got a few job leads. We went to her school after the hosp. She needs a job badly. I know this. The nephew is trying to move out but that aint happening quite yet. But its coming. The niece is going off to school in about 6 weeks. I'm hoping I make some good progress before all that happens. I don't want to be alone all the time again. I wont worry about it right now but its in the back of my head, whispering, & my first instinct is fear. Maybe anxiety is a better way to put it.

We'll cross that bridge when we get there. As long as I'm doing well then Sis should definitely be putting all her efforts into good employment. My pain will subside with some time. I know it will. They told me so. What I feel like today will feel different tomorrow & the Dr knew exactly where I was feeling pain & how it moves around & all the little aches & pains that come with this. So I'm gonna trust his judgment.

If I follow instructions then I should feel better week by week. There are things I have to look out for but basically its a slow process. We already knew that. Its keeping the mind working & performing little tasks. But I do get bored with those quickly. I need some friends to hang with. Talk to on the phone & stuff. I'll try to get my room in tip top shape. I have a couple little hobbies I can throw in intermittently. Just take it as it comes.

It sounds boring. Kinda like this blog today. Fogged over from the pain killers. That I growing used to And arent doing all that I want done. Gotta suffer some I guess.

I was told however by Sis & Doc that I may have a higher tolerance for pain. I thought just the opposite but apparently I dont cry uncle as fast as the next guy. Years of experience & training in that. I said I wanted to be considered a tough SOB. But Sis said taking pain doesnt make me tough. What a buzzkill.

What I know is this. I've experienced alot over the years & its only accumulated in volume.I wouldnt wish my pains on anyone. 44 this year.Just a month & a little bit before my birthday. I creak & crackle like a haggard old man. But the new infusion from the heart pump has me looking forward more. My breathing. my mind, my desire to want to are all coming back in a big way. Its the body thats keeping me at a slow pace.
I'm supposed to be feeling this way. Its like a hot rod waiting on the line for that last yellow before the green, Like a bull in a chute just before the idiot on his back nods his head. Its almost like tension, or anticipation.

Anyway, everything seems to be getting sharper but I have a long way to go before I'm healed. I was reminded several times that my chest was split open for a couple days. Guess you dont bounce back from that so quick. I should start my hobbies. I'd go back to building models if I could keep my hands from having the shakes. Gotta find more alternatives.

Got any suggestions?? I can use the help & would love to hear from you. Throw your 2 cents in. If you were sick & couldnt really do anything what would you do to occupy your time & mind???

I look forward to hearing some responses


PEACE

A week Day

So it's day 7. One full week out of the hospital & while I'm still scared I have also made progress every day.

Last night 2 friends hitched up their trailer & went & got my bike. And my grill. I rode along & picked up a few miscellaneous items. Was rushing around the house which is a total disaster since no one has been living ther for months & I wasnt that into cleaning when I was so sick. The place is a mess.

But there I was, rushing around, picking up little things I needed. Carrying a little more weight than recommended. & they took over the rest. Bike, supplies, Grill. All loaded & strapped into place in a few minutes time.

I have been worried sick about that bike being alone in that neighborhood for SO long & in just a few minutes it was loaded & whisked away to happier places. A huge weight off my shoulders.

And even with that I forgot to grab some things in my rush. Eventually I'll get them or be healthy enough to go clean the place up some. Standing in the middle of my disassembled living room I had the thought that I'll never live alone again. That could be a good thing or a bad thing but I will always have to have someone around for help with things. It;s a hard pill to swallow.

So its back into the truck & off we go. Headed for home. Stopped once to grab a drink for the road and away we went. The unload was quicker than the load itself. Had 3 extra sets of hands with Sis, & niece & friend. It was done. FINALLY.

Sis and niece had gone to eat mexican. They brought me home something. chili rellenos & a chicken enchilada. Yeah I know. Probably shouldnt eat that stuff. Thought the rellenos was gonna get me but it was the enchilada sauce that bit back. Turned my stomach into a gymnast in training for the Olympic games. I'm here to tell ya. Like I dont have enough to deal with.

It was tasty. And I hadnt eaten in awhile. I ate every thing on the plates. Sucked it up like I was never gonna eat again. Took my meds. Milled about for a few. Put some things away. Tried to tidy up my space. In a small place there's a place for everything & everything MUST be in its place.

I'm still working on getting all that down pat & cleaning out what doesnt belong. It's gonna take awhile with my limited capacities but I'm making progress every day. Thats what counts.

But then the exhaustion hit. No TV. Just slumber. I was asleep a little after 10pm. I woke up around 4am. Had a drink & a little something to settle the stomach and feed the beast. Then back to bed & didnt wake up again til almost 9.

I guess I overdid it a bit. But this morning I feel good. A little tired. A little sore. A little sick from the med cocktail. But all that will pass as I get moving along with my day.

Don't see this as being a big day. May go out to do a couple of things. When I get off here I'm taking my morning walk. I may do it without the walker to aid me. I didnt take it with me last night & did OK. Just more progress. And thats making me happy. I'm not focusing on all the things around me as much as just focused on my little bubble. And in that way the little things seem much bigger. And as I grow so will the bubble. I know this. Just have to stay disciplined.

Tomorrow? Well its my first clinic day. I dont know what to expect but I know they're not gonna cook me & eat me so we'll see what happens. Then its a follow up appt later in the day with the surgeon to check on all my wounds & incisions he made. I figure that to be a big day that will lead to a tiresome evening. I wish I hadnt forgotten my radio. I have no music when in private except the same tunes off my phone.

Damnit! rushed around too much. Never even looked at my list or would have seen it on there. Maybe I can give a gentle nudge to Sis today about getting a cable guy out here for a hook up.

So, off I go. Morning walk. I'm a little late for it but it waits for me. Today I venture outside the proprty lines of this place & walk down the roda a little ways. Put some incline & decline in the walk. Soon I hope to be doing thatn on grassy knolls. But not quite yet. One thing at a time.

So far, so good. I hope you have a good day too. That you are able to see your accomplishments & triumphs regardless of their size. Big buildings come from little bricks. Think I'll start building some more right now.

Love you guys for your support. I'm still trying.

PEACE!!

Monday...does everybody hate mondays?

So I woke up early. Didn't feel quite right. Everything takes longer for me now. Including rolling out of bed. I did all my morning tasks. Check my machine & its numbers. Weight. I've lost 14 lbs since being home. Thats FIVE days. It's all been the fluid build up in my body. Edema, they call it. Had my feet swollen so bad it would sting to move a toe. So I sleep with my feet raised. About a foot or so above my head & i take a diuretic at night. Seems to be working. We'll see what the Dr thinks come Thursday.

So after my morning tasks I felt isolated. One kid asleep in his bed. who knows when he came in. Another kid asleep in mom's bed. She took advantage of the rules a little last night but I have to say she did great watching over me while Sis went on her trip. Hope she got what she needed from it. should be home late today.

I was told I'd have good days & bad ones. I had a pretty good day yesterday. 2 walks in for a total of 20 minutes.  Worked out my hands & forearms with my stress ball. 150 squeezes each hand. Today I try to stay the same or get better. But I'm tired. The pain came this morning. The one that feels like your chest is caving in. Its the sternum grinding against itself trying to fuse back together. Its a strange feeling but almost incapacitating when it hits hard. You just put pressure against your chest. Like squeezing a pillow & hang on til it subsides. Pain pill.

I had some breakfast. Had it out on the deck. It was a little wet with dew. Made me nervous about water & my electronics. A breeze was blowing thru. And there was silence. Not a dog or person or bird or critter or even leaves making any noise. Total complete Silence. Almost eerie. It didnt last long but while it was there it caught my attention. Brought out some of the loneliness. So I turned on the mp3 & rocked out a little. My journey is my own. I'm only lonely if I choose to be. Regardless of how it beats & gnaws at me. Once I do enough work I will be surrounded by people who have experienced the exact same surgery & at least some of the emotions I deal with. And my social circle will begin to grow. I must remain patient. Steadfast. Small steps. How do you climb a mountain? one step at a time.

Took my morning meds. Made a couple phone calls. Business related. They jump on you quick. I've had stuff like that from the first day I got home. No rest from the business world. Took another pain pill. 2 is a full dose. I've been only taking one at a time and try to be a tough guy after that. Today? I think I'll just let the pain killer fog wash over me. maybe watch some TV. Get some more sleep after awhile. Take it easy.

Thats the instructions. If I'm having a worn down day. Don't push. Just accept what my body is telling me & chill out. That's so hard for me to do. But I have things to study. Before or after my high. But I can feel it coming. A little stomach upset from the narcotic and a fog rolling in. So I'm done for now. gonna find a comfy spot & let the day unfurl as it wants to. I'll get my walks in around lunch & dinner. Seems like such small things to do. But so hard to do them. Makes me feel like less of a man for not being able to do such simple things.

But that's just not true. Patience. Diligence. short term goals. I'm trying.

Peace.

I'd really like to hear from you. Anything would be cool. You can stay anonymous or come see me on facebook. Just have alot to give back but no one to give it to right now.

Brand new DAY

So I read my last post. Creepy. I knew it was coming. could feel it. I didnt quite code on the table but came as close as one could. And then the rest of the story unfolds.

I'm not going to try to explain it all now. There's too much. But I'm compiling some notes from Sis and others about the stuff I cant remember or was unconscious for. I'm gonna try to put them together in a book form maybe. I dunno yet. But I did come up with a title. The LVAD Diaries.

See my life now isnt really my own. I owe so much to so many. I have to pay things forward as I can. I'm under the control of the devices keeping me alive & the people that maintain & tune them. But its OK. I'm happy to be here.

So, I'm the same guy. Kinda. But most has changed. And I have to do something with what has been given to me. I must make a difference in this life and forget the mistakes of the old one. It's a brand new day. I'm alive. Birds are chirping, flowers blooming, breeze blowing. And my out door walk went from 5 to 12 minutes today. I will get stronger. I'm kinda glad no one has really seen me. I'm frail & weak. still very much in the early stages of recovery. I still have pain from my incisions and what not. But for some reason I think I should just be able to go,go,go.  And so patience must be learned at a higher level. acceptance of small gains toward a larger goal is now my practice. As long as I stay under power & I can fight off the pain, I'm gonna be OK for whatever is left.

I will say this. This blog is changed too. No more will I speak of things the way I have done in the past. The bitterness & harshness remain. I just overcome that with the appreciation of all that is good.

I dont know if I can continue this blog under this title with these stories behind me. It may get stuffed away for a  better written word in a much different context.


PEACE!

26 days from Death's door & still going.

Tues DAY. One more to go.

Even Milk tastes funny to me. I hate that.

You guys know what a foodie I have been. Nothing tastes the same. Pepper & spices in the mos mild form feel like chemical burn in my mouth.

I can feel sodium/salt in a different way than ever before.

Now, somedays are better than others but I know its in the drug combinations & the way my body doesnt work right anymore.

This morning, couple eggo waffles with some fresh blueberries & a little syrup. Sound good?  EH!
Just ok. The sweet makes it bearable.

So yesterday I bailed. Signed off for anti anxiety island & prayed for sleep & rest.

It took awhile but mission accomplished.

Normally in recent past I have not been able to lie down. Well I force fed myself some more classic sleep positions. I woke a few times to cough up some hidden gems. I was in pain a few times & due to shortness of breath or palpitations or something I was awakened. I'll remember those & steer clear.

I was up to eat just enough to take eve. meds past sched but taken. I awoke 3-4 different times to pee. I considered that a good thing & not an inconvenience.

All in all I was up & down but I started trying around 300. By 5 I was well on my way & didnt truly get up til 6;30-7 this am.

I gave fair warning to the house & for the most part Was left alone in my battle for slumber. Thanx family. I needed that.

Now I need one strong day. Even a 1/2 day. I got Lee coming over to pick me up to go to the riverdale house. I can finally get some stuff I've been wanting & needing for a couple months.

Shaving kit & trimmer.
clothing. Tired of the same 5 t shirts.
Towels of my own.They dont last long with teens.
Tools
I'm gonna charge my bike & if its rideable I'm getting it out of there.(strength please Lord)
I gotta get some dog supplies & misc. stuff to feel like home
More pillows
Some insulated drinking glasses I have.
Forks & spoons. (dont ask)
I also got the cable guy coming to pick up equipment. But I bet they fuck up the timing & I aint waiting around.
I gotta check on & move the truck around to make it loo like someone has been there.
Definitely have things to do. Here's my chance. Gotta make the most of it.

Now here's the kicker. I take whatever appt the Dr.'s can fit me into. Considering my financials & what not it just seems to me to be humble & thankful for their graciousness & go where they put me. Plus I have learned patience better than most so I don't freak out or become a pain to deal with.

BUT!!!!!

 My arrival time for this thing is 1;30 pm. The actual cath isnt until 3;30 as long as everybody else goes to plan. So I could be waiting around awhile.

It also means my fasting sched & stuff is adjusted accordingly.

See most folks have their shit sched in the morning, all goes well, recovery time & out the door before lunch or dinner. They start fasting when they would normally go to bed & so no big shock to the system.

I'm good for my last food or fluid intake @ 5;30 am.

Do I go to bed early& start my day @ say 4;00. Get breakfast & meds then nothing for 10 hrs.

OR, do I stay up all night. Finish eatin around 400. Then go to sleep? Wake up groggy enough to ride to hosp. & get knocked right back out.

Which would you choose?

Either way there is a decent chance they will be keeping me overnight. But maybe not. Have to see how it goes. But that would be outpatient surgical release after 7pm. I've never seen or done that.

I'm preparing to stay. I'm preparing for positive surgery. I'm looking for to getting this part out of the way so we have all the info & can head toward the really heavy stuff.

You can tell the anxiety drugs from yesterday are still milling around in me. Thats good. I need to stay calm & focused to accomplish today's tasks. And hopefully gathering up this stuff takes my mind off of the other for awhile.

Have a Good Day.

PEACE!!!

Pre-anxiety day.

So my procedure isnt until Wed. @ 1;30.

But I'm already trying to prepare how the next 48 hrs are gonna go. Just being thorough??? I'm working toward an ativan afternoon is what I'm doing.

And if it doesn't get better than tomorrow could be a hair puller. Too bad I just got my haircut & of course she cut it too short & theres nothing to grab onto anymore.

I also have the fluid retention thing working for me.
See last week Doc said he wanted to try an "experiment" I figured that was his way of getting me to buy into taking this drug that I dont particularly like nor do I feel performs the way everyone says it should.

Then I had my clinic appt & after a day or so they called to check on me & I hadnt seen any change. The swelling comes & goes in severity but hasnt left this time. I'm abdominally bloated. It's all uncomfortable to the point of pain. Constant nagging pain.

I'm supposed to call in if I gain more than 2 lbs in a day or 5 lbs in a week. And I'm flirting with those numbers.

What to do. Cant miss this surgical procedure. So , suck it up for one more day & let the guru address the entire issue.

Originally I was prescribed 1mg of this new med a day. That has now gone to 2 mg twice a day & the clinic said I could get a 3rd dose in just keep the dosing 4-6 hrs apart.

Why arent I using the stuff from before? Was the dosing too high? Am I doing damage to myself with that drug? It seemed to work alot better.

I'm truly afraid I'm gonna have another hosp. stay to get the fluids off of me again. And thats a big fuckin needle. It's not alot of fun to have them stick you in the gut & suck out all the juice. Feels better a day or so later but the whole thing is like walls closing in on me.

Drug therapies not working. Next comes organ failures. I already dont have the memory or mental capacities due to lack of blood flow & thats a tough pill for me to swallow.

It's all supposed to reverse if I can get this lvad & my blood flow is back to normal but right now thats still a dream away.

I feel like I'm staring down a barrel of a gun.

Anyway, today I've had enough. I'm taking the anti-anxiety. I'm knocking my self out for the afternoon & eve. Nice shower first. Fresh jammies then I'm done. Not coping well today. Maybe that puts me in a good place for tomorrow & keeps my fluid intake down 2day. My 2nd doseages will just have to wait til this eve.

PEACE

Days of DID cause

So my last post was written a bit tongue in cheek. I've switched Dr's & meds & all types of things in the past. I read everything voraciously. You think you label read? Come shopping with me. Bring a calculator. You're gonna need it.

But that isnt the point. While attempting to laugh in the face of very serious drug changes & interactions. After doing all my study & homework there is still one thing you just can't be sure of.

How is this stuff actually gonna work in MY body from a real world, practicality standpoint? Well kids, there's only one way to know for sure. Get yourself a drink, pray to the gods above & the large number of pills in your hand. Toss 'em back, take & drink & while looking toward the sky ask God for a little support. Or, hate to admit it but if it's gonna happen, take me quick. There's nothing fun about suffering.

I think that's why its called suffering.

I have some experience with this stuff so rather than take all 4 new meds @ the same time I did spread them out some. & 1 was directed as a p.m. med so that gave me some time also.

Call me paranoid but I know what to look for. I been doing this a long time. I could feel some minor side effects. Upset stomach, nausea. OK gotta alter the diet timing. Drowsy. Not always a bad thing. Could be a side effect to be taken advantage of in the short term.

They expected this new diuretic to work immediately. They just dont with me. I had an I.V. infusion on Mon that took until around 10 pm to really make a difference.

Anyway, I could feel the new diuretic literally sucking the fluid out from my head down. In a very unpleasant way. Plus, a headache. Which if you're not aware is a sign of dehydration & not the best thing to have happen while on pills that are made to remove water. Too much of a good thing.

BUT, no release of fluids. For over 24 hours I feel side effects. Pain, muscle fatigue, inability to function on any level.

And then there's the new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug. Its supposed to be a good one. Doc said take this at night. It will make you drowsy til you get used to it.

Drowsy? knocked me out immediately. Slept restlessly for the next 14 hours only to be accompanied by cramping, the dehydration, & what I can only describe as short term, not always happy, Lucy in the Sky type hallucinations. Sleep talking. My sister thought maybe I was talking to my mom &/or dad. Both passed in 2007. This scared her some. OK fine, it freaked her out. Didnt do much for me either.

After talking to the dr's ofc I think their main concern was I wasnt releasing fluids. Not MY main concern but Hey, What do I know. While speaking w/the PA she had the Dr on the othe line. The remedy??????

DOUBLE the dose. That lasted one attempt.

All meds had to be stopped. All of them.

I could not eat
I could not breathe
I could not sleep.
I could not stay awake or involved in conversation.
Total lethargy.

Diarrhea,
urination,
vomiting
But I had gained over 5 lbs in less than 2 days & it was only increasing.
And I'm not eating. So where's it coming from?

AH.......can't pee. Diarrhea increases.
Dry heaves to the point of bloody sputum.

Some violent shit here. Only to be accompanied by the inability to escape thru rest.

My diet was Carnation instant breakfast & Ice water for 3 days.

I made it to Monday. It was easy to see I didnt look good in the eyes of the public. But I made it.

We changed a few things. Took a couple new tests. Went back to some of the old meds.

I've eaten real meals the past 2 days. Not much but food I have to chew. I have dropped all the gained weight & am back to 156 which is where I was when this started. I still need to drop some more but it's easier to breathe & sleep again. Small steps are getting better results.

I'm sure I've missed a few things but I'm still not 100%. So have a heart. I fill in the blanks as they fill in themselves.

But I made it. I didnt think I was. I asked a couple times to make it stop right now. I've never felt anything like it & wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. But even when I was beaten, there was still a dim light of hope. My mind would kick in & show the way to get out of this. I listened. I followed the plan. I did all I could to minimize the pain & maximize the comfort. Little by little I started to come out of it. I made it to the appt I'd been waiting a month for. I told you these girls were good. A month long waiting list for a heart failure clinic??? They have some chops.

So, thats it. I'll be back soon I hope & we'll continue as I can.

PEACE

Day of may causes

You know the sheets of paper you get when you get a prescription filled? Probably that stuff you never read. Especially if you don't get scripts that often or you always get the same thing. Well, you should. you should read every letter. You should ask questions & you should get to know your pharmacist. Just like an old time small town drug store. Know whos giving you drugs. And more importantly KNOW what you're taking. What it may interact with. Especially if you get multiple scripts from different dr's. They may not know the consequences of the cocktail they just prescribed.

Also, have you noticed over the past few years how many class action suits are against drug companies for side effects that kill? You gotta look out for yourself.

And that brings me to the point. And the title of this entry. These are just a few of the things on those sheets of paper I have from my meds. Just stuff I can remember off the top of my head. SO,,,,,,,,,

Pay attention. Follow instructions. And,,,,,

TAKE WITH FOOD!
This May cause,
drowsiness,
sleeplessness,          "make up your mind dude. Is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us."
stomach upset,
nausea,
vomiting,
ulcers,
 internal bleeding.             And I would know that was happening how exactly?
 Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.
 This may cause,
dizziness,
 fainting,
 blurred vision,
mild hallucinations.             Where do I sign up for these?
diarrhea,
constipation,
black or bloody stools       These 3 are meant to confuse the shit out of you. Literally
shortness of breath,
dry mouth,
loss of appetite,
rapid or irregular heartbeat,    In difference to what I have now or......? What?
low blood pressure,                See above statement
red,blistered or peeling skin.
 ringing of the ears,
hearing loss,
memory loss,
vision loss
muscle cramps,
unusual tiredness or weakness
prolonged and painful erection even when not having sex,   WTF? Really? I'm not taking freakin viagara.
severe mental or mood changes
confusion     Are the following all meant while reading this info or while taking the actual drug?
agitation
aggressiveness
impulsiveness
irritability
hostility
exaggerated feeling of well being,       Bring that shit on.
rash,
hives,
itching,
swelling of face, mouth, lips or tongue
seizures.
Death.


Now, don't take this medicine with that medicine or in conjunction with any of these families of medicines.
Take medicines at the same time everyday. Don't skip a dose but if you do dont double dose just wait for the next dose to get back on track.
Contact Dr immediately if you experience any of these side effects or allergic reactions.
Except maybe the death thing. You're kinda fucked there.

OK I cheated a little. I used my memory & the 3 new drugs I got for reference. Over the past month I have been on, switched from or to over a dozen different meds.

And I gotta remember all this shit to look for. memory loss or not. agitation or not. Tiredness but sleepless or not.

You gotta pay attention.

Dr. Day

So I went to my dr's appt today. This is the new guy. The one who is responsible for thew LVAD. He has a team of people I will eventually have to meet but before I get ahead of myself let's try to explain the appt.

I found the offices intimidating. Not quite sure why but I've been a basket case since my appt with my cardiologist so going in I was an emotional wreck. Here's what we did.

Set forth a plan of action that was communicated to me. Yep. That definitely helps to know what step is next & that a plan of progression is in the works.

He changed my meds slightly. Changed 2. Monitoring others. Weening off 2. And some results should be almost immediate. He doesn't believe we have complete control of the fluid build up. The Ascites. I tend to agree so again he earns points with me. He asked questions that only someone with or very familiar with my condition would know. This guy is seriously THE MAN in this city when it comes to this procedure. That makes me feel better. If the drug change works I should see a result by the time I call in on thurs. to his asst & give a check up phone call.

What I don't feel great about are a few things. Nothing has really changed. We're no closer to a fix & there is no guarantee I'm going to be able to have one of these implantable devices. Money & my lack of insurance is going to be a problem. That team I was talking about in the beginning. They have to approve this. So I have to jump thru hoops abit & give the answers they need to hear. Maybe we can set up some fund raisers or bike rides but we're not there yet & I really dont know what overall cost would be. My best guess would be somewhere over 100k for the device, surgery, & hosp recovery time. Thats alot but I dont know. It could be 2-3 times that. We'll find out later.

So I am keeping the most positive outlook on this as possible. thinking negatively can only bring negative things. But reality is while this process may take weeks to months to get squared away. I may only have days to weeks to live in my current condition. Anyone would be concerned & I am.

The new drug I took today definitely hits harder. I can feel it. I also get the same side effects as the other med & they're more intense too.

Now here's something cool. All the little aches & pains. All the other medical problems I have large & small including my emotions & depression. All that is being caused by lack of blood flow. The Lvad will give me back that blood flow & all my other issues will reverse themselves naturally. I found that fascinating at the connection. And hope that I'm not falling into a mental path I didnt want to go down.

He doesnt seem to think I'm gonna die immediately. He thinks we have some time. No one can give any guarantees but his opinion matters & its alot better than what I heard from the last Dr.

That's just positive stuff & makes what life I do have easier. The pains are still here. There is no magic cure. He needs some tests run to determine just how sick I am. He knows I'm bad. He wants to know specific degrees of bad. Fron there he can make somme decisions.

So how do you feel about it? Sounds positive but nothing changed. No difference in condition or feeling yet.

I'm on the fence about the whole thing. I will say I had to walk further today than I have since being out of the hosp. And while it was difficult I did suck it up & push through. Thing is, I;ll keep doing that til I drop. It's a fault. But they say go & I'll go til I collapse.

Speaking of that, I'm dozing as I write this. I nod off for a minute or so & then snap awake only to find I've lost my place & have to start over. But I'm trying And your support and prayers & well wishes are received with much humility. But it makes me happy to know people care about me.

If I do have to work with some sort of fund raising I will need some help. Never done anything like that before. I'm sure some of you have experience with organizing those kinds of things. This is just gonna require alot of money. And I'm proud but not so proud as to let pride take my life. We'll figfure it out.

I'm rambling now. I need to try to sleep. But I can tell thats gonna be tough 2nite. More to follow tomorrow but you deserved some info today.

PEACE
& thank you.

Greg

I used to know a guy. Couldnt forget him if I wanted to. Today is his Birthday

Let me introduce you to a friend of mine. Some folks knew him as James Ronald Miller. Those folks were usually the givers & the takers. Some folks knew him as Ronnie. Sometimes Uncle Ronnie. Some others still, knew him as J.R. And at that point if you werent on the inside then you had at least been welcomed into the fray.

Me? I knew him as Dad. And those that came after called him Paw Paw.
He would be 67 today

My Dad has been alot of things to alot of people. Born into a family of 5 older brothers. He may have been the baby but times were hard & he worked the land just like everybody else in that clan. He grew up a poor Missouri dirt farmer in the rocky hills of the Ozarks & one of the last great things he did before passing was to dine with a Chinese Admiral at his residence in Tokyo. Now it don't matter where you come from or how you got there. That's a helluva jump right there.

I'm gonna share some rememberances of my father. Let you in on the guy I used to know.

Now if you didnt already know this about me I was raised by a mechanic. An exceptionally good mechanic. And from the time Mom would let me in a garage I was the hold the light get me a wrench, no not that one, the other one boy.  But Dad just called me git-wood. Sometimes my sister calls me that to this day.

Dad & I worked on quite a few cars together. Him being an airline mechanic, highly trained & proud of his craft. I, being the molded into his light.....no, damnit. hold the light there. mechanic,son, prodigy. I learned all that from him. I can fix just about anything. Thanx Dad.

About these cars I was talking about. As I & he grew as a team we chose a direction off the beaten path. He had been studying the properties of turbines for 30 yrs & I was becoming a big fan on forced induction. Thats car talk ladies.

Turbocharging was still fledgling at this point. And we put twin turbos on a V8 Ford. 351C to be exact. And stuffed that into a 1970 Maverick. 3100 lbs with me in it.

The Day of the Turbo


We had literally worked for months in our spare time. The technology alone was enough to keep your nose stuffed in whatever you could find to read for a week at a time. It was challenging. And there were failures along the way that caused extensive re-working. But today is the day. Today its buttoned up for the last time. Today we get to see what its got.

Dad takes it out and drives like an old man does. I think he was about 45 or so. We cruise slowly thru town. Make a left onto the highway. Heading west on hwy 70. Next exit, 6 miles. Monitoring gauges, registering the feel of a new machine in the seat of your pants. Everything you've been over at least 3 times during a rebuild & it's brand new. You can feel the engine wants to run very smoothly & cleanly. It acts like a normal car. Very quiet. But theres some rumble. And it kinda tweets at ya thru these mufflers. Down the road we cruise. 50, 60, 65, vac. press. is at 0. almost as peak performance as you can get. It got 22 mpg if you could keep your foot out of it. A tractor trailer in front of us. Paced at 70. Stepped on the gas & this amazing little whistle comes upon you. The turbos turning 60k rpm & past the semi in a blink. More like a hop. Pretty cool. Down the road to the exit. Spin around at the Flying J. Check it all out & I'm in for the drive home.

Sitting at the top of the on-ramp. All systems check. Slow roll to about 25. Hard acceleration but smooth and its at 75 before I run out of lane. Lots of room in the pedal & the tach. And its steady pulling. I'm stabilized in the road. Good light. Empty in both directions as far as I can see. The pedal hits the floor thru high gear. It's a freakin missile. The grin, on my face, is the story that he told about this ride. A great accomplishment for the both of us. He would've called this story "The Grin" He was proud that day And so was I. We were proud of each other..

FIRE!!!


A few months after the unveiling we were trying some new things getting ready for a drag race coming up. We had been playing with fuel system stuff & were taking it out for testing. Close to home, Nothing major.

It coughed & bucked & the damn thing just wasnt right. Tweak here. tinker ther. Try again. We pull over again to make another tweak. Dad pulls the float bowl screw, dumps fuel onto a hot manifold & whoosh.


FIRE!!!

Uh, we're in the middle of nowhere. I run towards a house that we pulled over at. Theres a pump well & a full bucket. 5 gal worth. I RUN carrying a 5 gal bucket of water toward my car. I cant see much of dad but he's there. The fire had melted the fuel pump wires together & the car was pumping raw fuel onto itself. Feeding the fire. Dad stayed in it til he got the wires pulled loose. 5 gal later & a hvy duty extinguisher from a neighbor & it was out.

A few hundred dolars & some thrashing & we'd be ready for the drags. Inevitably on this one we figured out too late that the fire had melted a small piece of the distributor & it wouldnt do the thing til we got her fixed the following week. Bummer. But during that all day thrash we got to within a second of where it should have been & shaved 5 seconds off its first pass of the day. It wasnt right & we both knew it but we busted our asses all day in the hot sun. Perfect teamwork. Father & son shit. A bad day at the races is still a pretty good day with the right company.





The Splash


I had gotten a new rod & reel for Xmas. We were fishing in early March. It was kinda cold. Me on the rear deck. Mom in the middle, Dad in the front. It was his boat & all. "One man's junk" He had built this boat from a 16 ft V bottom hull that had been caved in from a tree falling on it in a Missouri tornado to the point that it was now a functional bass boat in Georgia. I was about 15. We're in a quiet little cove I'm hosing down my plastic with the original greasy assed Fish Formula. It got on my hands.The instant I realeased the cast I saw the rod & reel combo leave my hand. And I went after it.

The way dad told this story went something like this.

"Aw, I don't know what the hell happened." One minute we're calm in the water & the next the boat is leaning forward & then rocks back & almost knocked me outta my damn chair" And when I came up, Ther was a huge splash & Gregory was gone."

I dove off that boat arms wide open, full spread belly flop. I wrapped my arms together around the rod as the reel was pulling it to the bottom. But I got it. I break through the water with my parents looking at me in one of the more strange ways that they ever looked at me with. But I got it. Quickly it begins to dawn on everyone involved as to what just transpired & the laughing started. But I got it.

Dad asked later why I went in. I said cuz I knew how much that thing cost & Dad woulda killed me. He just laughed at me.

Now remember I said it was cold?  So I get dragged toward the bank & now must strip in the wood line. to get some warm clothes. But we dont really have any. We got some rain suits though. So I'm about naked now while Mom goes to digging in the compartment under the drvivers bench And comes up with a rain suit & without even thinking she hands it toward me. I look at it & say" Mom! That damn suit is clear"

Eventuall we found a brown one to cover my droopy drawered naked ass. I can't remember another time we laughed so hard or so long. Just me with my folks. "Yeah." Dad said. "Just a big fuckin' splash & you was gone."

Hockey???

I was makin some money. Following in the footsteps. For his Birthday I'm gonna take him out. Just him & me. Dinner, drinks, take in a Blues game. Thats the St. Louis hockey team if you dont know. We get settled in the cheaper seats of the old barn. Beer, Pretzel. It's all good. After the game gets started Dad says to me, Of all the damn sports how'd you pick hockey? It was the one sport he knew nothing about. Maybe that was why. Dunno really. But I was the coach & he was the student & it was great. During the game in walked a couple of nuns & sat down right in fornt of us. They werent there at the start of the game. It is a Catholic town. Hmmm, different. A fight on the ice breaks out & the guy across the aisle Screams out, "Kill the bastard!" And then immediately realizes his faux pas & says "I'm sorry sister" To which she replies " Thats OK I think they should be hittin the sonsofbitches more anyway." The whole section fell out laughing & my dad says while chuckling. "Hey! This is cool."

A few years later. He saw another hockey game with me. He had always been my coach growing up. Today he watched his son coach a Varsity High School hockey game.

A couple weeks after that I came to work after my weekend & brought with me the State Championship trophy into work. I took it back to my Dad's office & went to my duties. Around break I went back to his office & found him sitting with his back to me, one hand on my trophy. Kicked back in his chair. I've seen that big grin before. When he saw me he says, " So you won it huh?" "Yep dad, sure did.""Well damn son! Thats really something."" Yeah dad, I think so." "Hey guys." as he springs from his seat. "Look at this, My boy is the head coach of the State champiuon high school hockey team." "Thanks" to the guys But my dad was proud. Almost as if he won it. He did. He did it through me. And what I taught came at least partially from him.
 I'm glad to have been a part of it. And I'm glad my Dad got to experience that too. It was a neat thing to have as a grown man with his father.

 

The day I got the news my father passed is now a blur for the most part. I'm sitting in an empty home. A couple days after Thaksgiving. This was the first holiday alone for all of us. My sister had lost her husband. Died in Feb. My Dad had lost his Wife, my mom, in Jul. I lost my mother in law to be in Aug, & my fiancee left in Sep.. We were together & we had a good time but we were distant & alone. Constant shell shock. Like living thru a frosted piece of glass. A dream world. It's all going on around you but you're not really there.

Anyway, just home from that by a couple days & sitting in an empty home my doorbell rings & the door is being banged on & I leap from my nest & open the door to have my nephew collapse in my arms. Sobbing.

It takes several tries before I can understand the words. Grandpa's dead. What?!? A Ga. state patrol car had stopped at my sisters & she wasnt there. Neither was my nephew. But my 12 yr old niece was. Alone & this cop gave her the info that her Grandfather had died. And you wonder why I don't like cops.

She relayed it to him & he drove to me. I called & confirmed everything & then I had to call my sister. One of the tougher things I've ever had to do. Apparently he died in his sleep & when the guys at work couldnt get him on the phone they came lookin'.

The rest of the evening is drug induced, alcohol fueled, surrealism to the point of blackout.

I made it through the day. I had one little crack but made it through the day. Once I started the drive home in my dad's old truck & got thru the toll booth the tears streamed the rest of the way home.

I miss you dad. Happy Birthday. I'll always try to make you proud.

a judgement day

So I only have a few minutes but I wanted to get something out. While I started this blog as a way to get some of the bed stuff out of me & onto a page I also knew that I could use this as a social experiment of sorts. And yesterday that manifested itself.

See I believe that by talking thru the internet you lose alot in the translation. One must be extra careful in one's wording & tone to be fully understood. I think we've all had the experience of being taken out of context due to the inability to be seen & heard in a real world kinda way.

Well through a series of FB commentes I ran into a "friend" that passed judgment. It was subtle & non-chalant but there just the same.

Let me put this as delicately as I can. FUCK YOU!!! You don't know me. You only think you do. You havent walked in my shoes cuz I only have one pair & I would know.

Apparently this person/these people believe it easy to take a few snipets of text & form a complete picture of another human being. Shame on you. This also happened to a friend of mine. Must've been something in the water or the moon's cycle yesterday or someone passed out the stupid pills or something.

What most people here dont know about me is that when face to face you may never know or think anything was wrong. I'm "quick with a joke or a light of your smoke"

Bottom line is it's offensive. And whats worse is you can actually watch the degradation of society in it. Who are you to judge? Who are any of us to judge? It's one thing to form an opinion based on a lot of information. It's something entirely different to judge & toss to the side because you dont feel another worthy to be in your life or to experience your presence.

I won't tell you who it was. I won't tell you what was said. I wouldnt dare to dignify it by giving it breath & life. But it's happened to us all @ one point or another. And it's just wrong.

Compassion is one of the beautiful things in this world in my opinion. Try & work on your own today please. Don't judge. Question. Try to understnad. Try to mentor. And if you cant do that then maybe I'm not the one with the problems. Maybe it's you.

Incomplete thought & blog but I gotta go.

Peace

SUN Day

It's Sunday morning. I'm up too early because of the dogs. I'm also up angry. Some days are like that here. I just read some emails & comments. Apparently my stories are having some effect on folks. I can't ask for any more. And I have yet to receive one bad comment since beginning this project. Thats cool too. But that may change at any time & today could be the day.


It's Sunday. A time for worship? NO. That would be Saturday. Saturday is the seventh day. Saturday is the day of rest & worship. And I'm about to get started so be prepared to get pissed off.

Look at your calendars. Which day does the week start with? Thats right. Sunday. And God said let there be light. And there was light. And that light was the Sun. And thats why its called SUNday. And so Sunday is day one. NOT day seven. Now from this point I could go all rogue on you with science vs. theological rhetoric but my point is not to alienate. My point is to make you think. To make you question. Not to question your own beliefs but rather to question those that came before you & what they preach as religious law.

I know ALOT of people that would be considered religious. Some of them are going to read this blog. Why don't you practice what is preached? Thats hypocrisy. It could also be considered blasphemous. You don't practice the book as its written. For a moment we'll leave the Old Testament behind & ask simply Why don't you practice the word of Jesus as it's been put before you? It angers me.

 I'm not Jewish. I'm Christian if you have to put a label on me. But the truth is I'm a seeker & I dont beliueve any world religion has it spot on. But there are common threads through most all world religions & its those threads that I base my beliefs on.

Hypocrisy drives me nuts. Especially when I find I'm the hypocrite but let me get back to my point. If you, as a Christian, believe then why don't you follow your own doctrines? I see the vanity at my local church. It's in an abandoned strip mall & yet the people arrive in droves, dressed to the nines. Why? Christ wore tattered robes & sandals ( when he had shoes). And yet here they are, preening, comparing, JUDGING. I show up in jeans & a t-shirt. A minority in more than one way. If sandals were good enough for Jesus then they're good enough for me. And they are more than good enough for you.

 I see the advertisement on the board outside. The pastor pictured in his best suit. He looks like a used car salesman & one I don't think I'd buy from. I wonder how long before I'm asked for money. Bono once said "My God isn't short of cash mister." Well my God doesnt need cash at all. Never has. Never will. But to tithe is a good thing. Not for the betterment of the church but for the betterment of the congregation & community. To be charitable is good. I can't remember where in the Bible it says to pay your preacher for preaching. I don't believe that my pastor should be the wealthiest man in the room. At least not monetarily. If churches are not for profit then why are you driving a car that most in your congregation could never afford? Why do you wear a thousand dollar suit in a town riddled with poverty?  The message could be awesome but I don't hear it. All I hear is hypocrisy. It's one thing to preach it. Most anyone can do that. It's another to live it. Jesus' church was the ground He walked upon.

It's not like I'm suggesting you be Christ-like. That is too much for anyone to ask of anyone else. But I am suggesting that you try. When you cut me off in traffic. When you cheat, lie & steal.( Oh yes you do)  When you covet the beautiful body that crosses your path. When you lust after the neighbor's new car. When you spew venom towards another behind their back. When you lose sight of the big picture & get lost in your own worldly pursuits. You have lost touch with what you claim to be your cornerstone of belief. And the worst part? You are oblivious to it. It never dawns on you that you have broken the covenants set before you.

I didnt ask you to believe. But I insist that if youre going to claim yourself a Christian then ACT like it. I see our society as a self absorbed teenager. One that throws a tantrun when they dont receive immediate gratification. One that shuns responsibility so they may do as they wish. One that interperets the perceived word of God in their own favor because it's too difficult to actually do it the way it's been set forth. Well folks, that's hypocrisy.

Now, like I said, I didnt ask you to believe. Frankly I don't think alot of you really do. It's a convenient social climbing step. But you wouldnt call yourself a professional ball player because you played catch on the weekend. Why do you call yourself a follower of Christ if you don't really follow along?

I hope youre pissed at me. I hope you question & comment. I hope that while you point that finger at me you take a long look at the three pointing back at you. And then I hope (& pray) that you take an honest look at where you've strayed & make an effort to right the ship.

Too many people are trying to lead. Trying to take whats laid before them & decide whats best for someone else. But to be a good leader you must first be a good follower. Too many skip that part. No perceived glory or authority in following. My father would call that too many Chiefs & not enough indians. I call it the refusal to look inside one's self & fix those problems before you judge those of another.

Maybe I'm being too judgmental. Maybe thats my hypocrisy. Or maybe I was directed to write this. And you were drawn to read it. Either way the thought has been put forth. It's in print. And like another text I'm thinking of you're allowed to take it out of context & twist it's meaning. You may also cross it with other opinions & make holidays out of it if you choose. You probably shouldn't but you will anyway. Or you could take it as it's worded. Not to question the meaning but just to follow. Isn't that what Faith is all about?

I do love this song. It makes me smile & cry at the same time. Take the time. LISTEN. Let it pull you. direct you. Change you.

And I got one more just to lighten it up. Hope it makes you smile. Puts some perspective on things. And know that I love you. I truly have love for you all.

V-day done

So I thought I'd share a story with you all. It's a sweet story. One of love & hope & promise. Maybe we'll finish it off as living happily ever after. Then again it is my story so probably not.

I wanted to share the story of my engagement night. Maybe it will set the bar a little higher for some of your expectations. Maybe not.

Oh, Valentine's. The best or worst of all possible holidays depending on your relationship status....and your attitude.

Now at this point I've done all the work. The planning & shopping & all that is done. I'm just gonna take you on my date that night. OK? You dressed & ready? Great! Let's go.

It's Saturday. Feb. 12th. The year doesnt matter anymore. We're going to our favorite little Italian joint. It's got a chef that trained under Mario Batali & they know us by name. But tonight is special. As we walk into the back dining room, off to one side, is a table with a vase with two dozen roses. Red & white. Theyre for you. Uh...her but you're following along.

Every head in the place turns to watch who's being treated so royally. And she is beaming. Some are surely wondering who the slave boy is with her. That'd be me. But I have secrets in store & I can see the love in her eyes. Let's have a drink. Bottle of wine or something different? I already knew the answer. They had popped the cork when I walked in. Along with the wine comes a gift. Nothing too crazy. We have a long night ahead. We'll order an appetizer. I already did that. The menu is set but she does have 3 choices for an entree so I wasnt a dick about it.

The appetizer comes. And with it, another gift. "More song! More wine!" We order an entree & she almost cant contain her excitement. What's next? Another gift? Of course. And then dessert. I'd share the gifts but use your imagination here. I had lots of stuff. Gift bags. Big boxes. Little boxes. Pretty things. Silky things. Little shiny things. We know how you like those.

I was in love. What can I say. Its who I am. It's who I aspire to be. But by the end of the meal most of the men in the room had just been schooled & they werent real happy with me. The women on the other hand were gushing. And I liked the attention. So did she.

So dessert comes. It was on fire. Good stuff. And another gift. Now I already told you this was an engagement date. The night I popped the question. So what do you think the dessert gift was?  Bzzzzzz. Nope. Wrong answer. We finished our meal & paid the check. Love is expensive. But worth every penny.


So on the way out, helping her with her coat, I ask if she just wants to go home or maybe an after dinner drink somewhere. She chose the latter. Good girl. Off we drive. No I'm not telling you where. You'll just have to wait. Downtown we go. And end up at the sundial. Thats the rotating lounge on top of the Westin. a.k.a. Peachtree Plaza.

We settle, have a few drinks. And a couple more. I gotta get rid of this lump in my throat. I'm about to take a giant step here. The place is crowded. So much so that a young couple has joined us. Seating was limited. But its a lounge so have a seat. Watch & learn young man.


I stand. She looks at me. I act is if I'm excusing myself and she lets me pass. But it's only to get more room. Any of you that know me know that I have a voice that, to put gently, carries. I start by saying that I'm having a great time. And that I love you. She blushes. I have no problem in the spotlight. She doesnt like to draw attention. Not to mention she knows that given the chance I'll embarass us both. But not this time.

I express how nice the place is & that I'm afraid of heights. But this is also the closest I may ever come to standing on top of the world & exclaiming my love for you. She reaches up to grab my hand & pull me down. So not to embarass her & as she does I drop all the way to one knee. Flip out the ring I've been playing with in my pocket for most of the evening & say. I love you. I never want to spend another day with anyone else. Will you marry me?


I found out later that I did, in fact, take her totally by surprise. She, like maybe you< thought it would come with all the other gifts at dinner if it was going to happen at all. Hey, I thought of that. I got this covered.

She did say yes. The crowd erupts with applause & congratulations. But not one person there bought us a drink or came by to shake a hand or see the ring. Just a little note. If you witness such an act. Show some class. By them a drink. Shake the man's hand. Tell the woman she looks beautiful & congrtulate her. What happened to old school values? Eh, whatever.


We stayed until closing. I dont know that I've ever seen a woman so happy with me. I dont know that I've ever been so happy or proud of myself. It was truly glorious.


We've since parted. Never fulfilling the promise. It's alot of why I am who I am today. But that night. That brief moment will stay with me til the day I leave this earth. And maybe it will stay with her & with you too.

We don't know what will happen. Tomorrow is not promised. But to seize the day, on that day will stay on the trophy case of my mind forever. Not to mention that may have been the best elevator ride down in the history of mankind. But that kids is another story.

Love generously. Give wholly. Share what you have & drink deep the times that are special to you. They may only come once in a lifetime. And you owe it to yourself to allow yourself to feel that deeply. I do love to be in love.

I hope you get a better picture of me in comparison to some of the other things written here. And I'm again proud. Proud that I put this down in print. Proud of the man that I am. And proud that I can still look back on this & know if I knew what was going to happen, I would do it all again.

 What can I say. I was in love. I hope I get to do it all over again someday. She may have left. But my love is mine. I get to share it in the grandest or simplest of ways. She took alot when she went away but she could never take that away from me.

My love to you.  Happy Valentine's day. 
Peace.