Tues DAY. One more to go.

Even Milk tastes funny to me. I hate that.

You guys know what a foodie I have been. Nothing tastes the same. Pepper & spices in the mos mild form feel like chemical burn in my mouth.

I can feel sodium/salt in a different way than ever before.

Now, somedays are better than others but I know its in the drug combinations & the way my body doesnt work right anymore.

This morning, couple eggo waffles with some fresh blueberries & a little syrup. Sound good?  EH!
Just ok. The sweet makes it bearable.

So yesterday I bailed. Signed off for anti anxiety island & prayed for sleep & rest.

It took awhile but mission accomplished.

Normally in recent past I have not been able to lie down. Well I force fed myself some more classic sleep positions. I woke a few times to cough up some hidden gems. I was in pain a few times & due to shortness of breath or palpitations or something I was awakened. I'll remember those & steer clear.

I was up to eat just enough to take eve. meds past sched but taken. I awoke 3-4 different times to pee. I considered that a good thing & not an inconvenience.

All in all I was up & down but I started trying around 300. By 5 I was well on my way & didnt truly get up til 6;30-7 this am.

I gave fair warning to the house & for the most part Was left alone in my battle for slumber. Thanx family. I needed that.

Now I need one strong day. Even a 1/2 day. I got Lee coming over to pick me up to go to the riverdale house. I can finally get some stuff I've been wanting & needing for a couple months.

Shaving kit & trimmer.
clothing. Tired of the same 5 t shirts.
Towels of my own.They dont last long with teens.
Tools
I'm gonna charge my bike & if its rideable I'm getting it out of there.(strength please Lord)
I gotta get some dog supplies & misc. stuff to feel like home
More pillows
Some insulated drinking glasses I have.
Forks & spoons. (dont ask)
I also got the cable guy coming to pick up equipment. But I bet they fuck up the timing & I aint waiting around.
I gotta check on & move the truck around to make it loo like someone has been there.
Definitely have things to do. Here's my chance. Gotta make the most of it.

Now here's the kicker. I take whatever appt the Dr.'s can fit me into. Considering my financials & what not it just seems to me to be humble & thankful for their graciousness & go where they put me. Plus I have learned patience better than most so I don't freak out or become a pain to deal with.

BUT!!!!!

 My arrival time for this thing is 1;30 pm. The actual cath isnt until 3;30 as long as everybody else goes to plan. So I could be waiting around awhile.

It also means my fasting sched & stuff is adjusted accordingly.

See most folks have their shit sched in the morning, all goes well, recovery time & out the door before lunch or dinner. They start fasting when they would normally go to bed & so no big shock to the system.

I'm good for my last food or fluid intake @ 5;30 am.

Do I go to bed early& start my day @ say 4;00. Get breakfast & meds then nothing for 10 hrs.

OR, do I stay up all night. Finish eatin around 400. Then go to sleep? Wake up groggy enough to ride to hosp. & get knocked right back out.

Which would you choose?

Either way there is a decent chance they will be keeping me overnight. But maybe not. Have to see how it goes. But that would be outpatient surgical release after 7pm. I've never seen or done that.

I'm preparing to stay. I'm preparing for positive surgery. I'm looking for to getting this part out of the way so we have all the info & can head toward the really heavy stuff.

You can tell the anxiety drugs from yesterday are still milling around in me. Thats good. I need to stay calm & focused to accomplish today's tasks. And hopefully gathering up this stuff takes my mind off of the other for awhile.

Have a Good Day.

PEACE!!!

Pre-anxiety day.

So my procedure isnt until Wed. @ 1;30.

But I'm already trying to prepare how the next 48 hrs are gonna go. Just being thorough??? I'm working toward an ativan afternoon is what I'm doing.

And if it doesn't get better than tomorrow could be a hair puller. Too bad I just got my haircut & of course she cut it too short & theres nothing to grab onto anymore.

I also have the fluid retention thing working for me.
See last week Doc said he wanted to try an "experiment" I figured that was his way of getting me to buy into taking this drug that I dont particularly like nor do I feel performs the way everyone says it should.

Then I had my clinic appt & after a day or so they called to check on me & I hadnt seen any change. The swelling comes & goes in severity but hasnt left this time. I'm abdominally bloated. It's all uncomfortable to the point of pain. Constant nagging pain.

I'm supposed to call in if I gain more than 2 lbs in a day or 5 lbs in a week. And I'm flirting with those numbers.

What to do. Cant miss this surgical procedure. So , suck it up for one more day & let the guru address the entire issue.

Originally I was prescribed 1mg of this new med a day. That has now gone to 2 mg twice a day & the clinic said I could get a 3rd dose in just keep the dosing 4-6 hrs apart.

Why arent I using the stuff from before? Was the dosing too high? Am I doing damage to myself with that drug? It seemed to work alot better.

I'm truly afraid I'm gonna have another hosp. stay to get the fluids off of me again. And thats a big fuckin needle. It's not alot of fun to have them stick you in the gut & suck out all the juice. Feels better a day or so later but the whole thing is like walls closing in on me.

Drug therapies not working. Next comes organ failures. I already dont have the memory or mental capacities due to lack of blood flow & thats a tough pill for me to swallow.

It's all supposed to reverse if I can get this lvad & my blood flow is back to normal but right now thats still a dream away.

I feel like I'm staring down a barrel of a gun.

Anyway, today I've had enough. I'm taking the anti-anxiety. I'm knocking my self out for the afternoon & eve. Nice shower first. Fresh jammies then I'm done. Not coping well today. Maybe that puts me in a good place for tomorrow & keeps my fluid intake down 2day. My 2nd doseages will just have to wait til this eve.

PEACE

Days of DID cause

So my last post was written a bit tongue in cheek. I've switched Dr's & meds & all types of things in the past. I read everything voraciously. You think you label read? Come shopping with me. Bring a calculator. You're gonna need it.

But that isnt the point. While attempting to laugh in the face of very serious drug changes & interactions. After doing all my study & homework there is still one thing you just can't be sure of.

How is this stuff actually gonna work in MY body from a real world, practicality standpoint? Well kids, there's only one way to know for sure. Get yourself a drink, pray to the gods above & the large number of pills in your hand. Toss 'em back, take & drink & while looking toward the sky ask God for a little support. Or, hate to admit it but if it's gonna happen, take me quick. There's nothing fun about suffering.

I think that's why its called suffering.

I have some experience with this stuff so rather than take all 4 new meds @ the same time I did spread them out some. & 1 was directed as a p.m. med so that gave me some time also.

Call me paranoid but I know what to look for. I been doing this a long time. I could feel some minor side effects. Upset stomach, nausea. OK gotta alter the diet timing. Drowsy. Not always a bad thing. Could be a side effect to be taken advantage of in the short term.

They expected this new diuretic to work immediately. They just dont with me. I had an I.V. infusion on Mon that took until around 10 pm to really make a difference.

Anyway, I could feel the new diuretic literally sucking the fluid out from my head down. In a very unpleasant way. Plus, a headache. Which if you're not aware is a sign of dehydration & not the best thing to have happen while on pills that are made to remove water. Too much of a good thing.

BUT, no release of fluids. For over 24 hours I feel side effects. Pain, muscle fatigue, inability to function on any level.

And then there's the new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug. Its supposed to be a good one. Doc said take this at night. It will make you drowsy til you get used to it.

Drowsy? knocked me out immediately. Slept restlessly for the next 14 hours only to be accompanied by cramping, the dehydration, & what I can only describe as short term, not always happy, Lucy in the Sky type hallucinations. Sleep talking. My sister thought maybe I was talking to my mom &/or dad. Both passed in 2007. This scared her some. OK fine, it freaked her out. Didnt do much for me either.

After talking to the dr's ofc I think their main concern was I wasnt releasing fluids. Not MY main concern but Hey, What do I know. While speaking w/the PA she had the Dr on the othe line. The remedy??????

DOUBLE the dose. That lasted one attempt.

All meds had to be stopped. All of them.

I could not eat
I could not breathe
I could not sleep.
I could not stay awake or involved in conversation.
Total lethargy.

Diarrhea,
urination,
vomiting
But I had gained over 5 lbs in less than 2 days & it was only increasing.
And I'm not eating. So where's it coming from?

AH.......can't pee. Diarrhea increases.
Dry heaves to the point of bloody sputum.

Some violent shit here. Only to be accompanied by the inability to escape thru rest.

My diet was Carnation instant breakfast & Ice water for 3 days.

I made it to Monday. It was easy to see I didnt look good in the eyes of the public. But I made it.

We changed a few things. Took a couple new tests. Went back to some of the old meds.

I've eaten real meals the past 2 days. Not much but food I have to chew. I have dropped all the gained weight & am back to 156 which is where I was when this started. I still need to drop some more but it's easier to breathe & sleep again. Small steps are getting better results.

I'm sure I've missed a few things but I'm still not 100%. So have a heart. I fill in the blanks as they fill in themselves.

But I made it. I didnt think I was. I asked a couple times to make it stop right now. I've never felt anything like it & wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. But even when I was beaten, there was still a dim light of hope. My mind would kick in & show the way to get out of this. I listened. I followed the plan. I did all I could to minimize the pain & maximize the comfort. Little by little I started to come out of it. I made it to the appt I'd been waiting a month for. I told you these girls were good. A month long waiting list for a heart failure clinic??? They have some chops.

So, thats it. I'll be back soon I hope & we'll continue as I can.

PEACE

Day of may causes

You know the sheets of paper you get when you get a prescription filled? Probably that stuff you never read. Especially if you don't get scripts that often or you always get the same thing. Well, you should. you should read every letter. You should ask questions & you should get to know your pharmacist. Just like an old time small town drug store. Know whos giving you drugs. And more importantly KNOW what you're taking. What it may interact with. Especially if you get multiple scripts from different dr's. They may not know the consequences of the cocktail they just prescribed.

Also, have you noticed over the past few years how many class action suits are against drug companies for side effects that kill? You gotta look out for yourself.

And that brings me to the point. And the title of this entry. These are just a few of the things on those sheets of paper I have from my meds. Just stuff I can remember off the top of my head. SO,,,,,,,,,

Pay attention. Follow instructions. And,,,,,

TAKE WITH FOOD!
This May cause,
drowsiness,
sleeplessness,          "make up your mind dude. Is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us."
stomach upset,
nausea,
vomiting,
ulcers,
 internal bleeding.             And I would know that was happening how exactly?
 Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.
 This may cause,
dizziness,
 fainting,
 blurred vision,
mild hallucinations.             Where do I sign up for these?
diarrhea,
constipation,
black or bloody stools       These 3 are meant to confuse the shit out of you. Literally
shortness of breath,
dry mouth,
loss of appetite,
rapid or irregular heartbeat,    In difference to what I have now or......? What?
low blood pressure,                See above statement
red,blistered or peeling skin.
 ringing of the ears,
hearing loss,
memory loss,
vision loss
muscle cramps,
unusual tiredness or weakness
prolonged and painful erection even when not having sex,   WTF? Really? I'm not taking freakin viagara.
severe mental or mood changes
confusion     Are the following all meant while reading this info or while taking the actual drug?
agitation
aggressiveness
impulsiveness
irritability
hostility
exaggerated feeling of well being,       Bring that shit on.
rash,
hives,
itching,
swelling of face, mouth, lips or tongue
seizures.
Death.


Now, don't take this medicine with that medicine or in conjunction with any of these families of medicines.
Take medicines at the same time everyday. Don't skip a dose but if you do dont double dose just wait for the next dose to get back on track.
Contact Dr immediately if you experience any of these side effects or allergic reactions.
Except maybe the death thing. You're kinda fucked there.

OK I cheated a little. I used my memory & the 3 new drugs I got for reference. Over the past month I have been on, switched from or to over a dozen different meds.

And I gotta remember all this shit to look for. memory loss or not. agitation or not. Tiredness but sleepless or not.

You gotta pay attention.

Dr. Day

So I went to my dr's appt today. This is the new guy. The one who is responsible for thew LVAD. He has a team of people I will eventually have to meet but before I get ahead of myself let's try to explain the appt.

I found the offices intimidating. Not quite sure why but I've been a basket case since my appt with my cardiologist so going in I was an emotional wreck. Here's what we did.

Set forth a plan of action that was communicated to me. Yep. That definitely helps to know what step is next & that a plan of progression is in the works.

He changed my meds slightly. Changed 2. Monitoring others. Weening off 2. And some results should be almost immediate. He doesn't believe we have complete control of the fluid build up. The Ascites. I tend to agree so again he earns points with me. He asked questions that only someone with or very familiar with my condition would know. This guy is seriously THE MAN in this city when it comes to this procedure. That makes me feel better. If the drug change works I should see a result by the time I call in on thurs. to his asst & give a check up phone call.

What I don't feel great about are a few things. Nothing has really changed. We're no closer to a fix & there is no guarantee I'm going to be able to have one of these implantable devices. Money & my lack of insurance is going to be a problem. That team I was talking about in the beginning. They have to approve this. So I have to jump thru hoops abit & give the answers they need to hear. Maybe we can set up some fund raisers or bike rides but we're not there yet & I really dont know what overall cost would be. My best guess would be somewhere over 100k for the device, surgery, & hosp recovery time. Thats alot but I dont know. It could be 2-3 times that. We'll find out later.

So I am keeping the most positive outlook on this as possible. thinking negatively can only bring negative things. But reality is while this process may take weeks to months to get squared away. I may only have days to weeks to live in my current condition. Anyone would be concerned & I am.

The new drug I took today definitely hits harder. I can feel it. I also get the same side effects as the other med & they're more intense too.

Now here's something cool. All the little aches & pains. All the other medical problems I have large & small including my emotions & depression. All that is being caused by lack of blood flow. The Lvad will give me back that blood flow & all my other issues will reverse themselves naturally. I found that fascinating at the connection. And hope that I'm not falling into a mental path I didnt want to go down.

He doesnt seem to think I'm gonna die immediately. He thinks we have some time. No one can give any guarantees but his opinion matters & its alot better than what I heard from the last Dr.

That's just positive stuff & makes what life I do have easier. The pains are still here. There is no magic cure. He needs some tests run to determine just how sick I am. He knows I'm bad. He wants to know specific degrees of bad. Fron there he can make somme decisions.

So how do you feel about it? Sounds positive but nothing changed. No difference in condition or feeling yet.

I'm on the fence about the whole thing. I will say I had to walk further today than I have since being out of the hosp. And while it was difficult I did suck it up & push through. Thing is, I;ll keep doing that til I drop. It's a fault. But they say go & I'll go til I collapse.

Speaking of that, I'm dozing as I write this. I nod off for a minute or so & then snap awake only to find I've lost my place & have to start over. But I'm trying And your support and prayers & well wishes are received with much humility. But it makes me happy to know people care about me.

If I do have to work with some sort of fund raising I will need some help. Never done anything like that before. I'm sure some of you have experience with organizing those kinds of things. This is just gonna require alot of money. And I'm proud but not so proud as to let pride take my life. We'll figfure it out.

I'm rambling now. I need to try to sleep. But I can tell thats gonna be tough 2nite. More to follow tomorrow but you deserved some info today.

PEACE
& thank you.

Greg

I used to know a guy. Couldnt forget him if I wanted to. Today is his Birthday

Let me introduce you to a friend of mine. Some folks knew him as James Ronald Miller. Those folks were usually the givers & the takers. Some folks knew him as Ronnie. Sometimes Uncle Ronnie. Some others still, knew him as J.R. And at that point if you werent on the inside then you had at least been welcomed into the fray.

Me? I knew him as Dad. And those that came after called him Paw Paw.
He would be 67 today

My Dad has been alot of things to alot of people. Born into a family of 5 older brothers. He may have been the baby but times were hard & he worked the land just like everybody else in that clan. He grew up a poor Missouri dirt farmer in the rocky hills of the Ozarks & one of the last great things he did before passing was to dine with a Chinese Admiral at his residence in Tokyo. Now it don't matter where you come from or how you got there. That's a helluva jump right there.

I'm gonna share some rememberances of my father. Let you in on the guy I used to know.

Now if you didnt already know this about me I was raised by a mechanic. An exceptionally good mechanic. And from the time Mom would let me in a garage I was the hold the light get me a wrench, no not that one, the other one boy.  But Dad just called me git-wood. Sometimes my sister calls me that to this day.

Dad & I worked on quite a few cars together. Him being an airline mechanic, highly trained & proud of his craft. I, being the molded into his light.....no, damnit. hold the light there. mechanic,son, prodigy. I learned all that from him. I can fix just about anything. Thanx Dad.

About these cars I was talking about. As I & he grew as a team we chose a direction off the beaten path. He had been studying the properties of turbines for 30 yrs & I was becoming a big fan on forced induction. Thats car talk ladies.

Turbocharging was still fledgling at this point. And we put twin turbos on a V8 Ford. 351C to be exact. And stuffed that into a 1970 Maverick. 3100 lbs with me in it.

The Day of the Turbo


We had literally worked for months in our spare time. The technology alone was enough to keep your nose stuffed in whatever you could find to read for a week at a time. It was challenging. And there were failures along the way that caused extensive re-working. But today is the day. Today its buttoned up for the last time. Today we get to see what its got.

Dad takes it out and drives like an old man does. I think he was about 45 or so. We cruise slowly thru town. Make a left onto the highway. Heading west on hwy 70. Next exit, 6 miles. Monitoring gauges, registering the feel of a new machine in the seat of your pants. Everything you've been over at least 3 times during a rebuild & it's brand new. You can feel the engine wants to run very smoothly & cleanly. It acts like a normal car. Very quiet. But theres some rumble. And it kinda tweets at ya thru these mufflers. Down the road we cruise. 50, 60, 65, vac. press. is at 0. almost as peak performance as you can get. It got 22 mpg if you could keep your foot out of it. A tractor trailer in front of us. Paced at 70. Stepped on the gas & this amazing little whistle comes upon you. The turbos turning 60k rpm & past the semi in a blink. More like a hop. Pretty cool. Down the road to the exit. Spin around at the Flying J. Check it all out & I'm in for the drive home.

Sitting at the top of the on-ramp. All systems check. Slow roll to about 25. Hard acceleration but smooth and its at 75 before I run out of lane. Lots of room in the pedal & the tach. And its steady pulling. I'm stabilized in the road. Good light. Empty in both directions as far as I can see. The pedal hits the floor thru high gear. It's a freakin missile. The grin, on my face, is the story that he told about this ride. A great accomplishment for the both of us. He would've called this story "The Grin" He was proud that day And so was I. We were proud of each other..

FIRE!!!


A few months after the unveiling we were trying some new things getting ready for a drag race coming up. We had been playing with fuel system stuff & were taking it out for testing. Close to home, Nothing major.

It coughed & bucked & the damn thing just wasnt right. Tweak here. tinker ther. Try again. We pull over again to make another tweak. Dad pulls the float bowl screw, dumps fuel onto a hot manifold & whoosh.


FIRE!!!

Uh, we're in the middle of nowhere. I run towards a house that we pulled over at. Theres a pump well & a full bucket. 5 gal worth. I RUN carrying a 5 gal bucket of water toward my car. I cant see much of dad but he's there. The fire had melted the fuel pump wires together & the car was pumping raw fuel onto itself. Feeding the fire. Dad stayed in it til he got the wires pulled loose. 5 gal later & a hvy duty extinguisher from a neighbor & it was out.

A few hundred dolars & some thrashing & we'd be ready for the drags. Inevitably on this one we figured out too late that the fire had melted a small piece of the distributor & it wouldnt do the thing til we got her fixed the following week. Bummer. But during that all day thrash we got to within a second of where it should have been & shaved 5 seconds off its first pass of the day. It wasnt right & we both knew it but we busted our asses all day in the hot sun. Perfect teamwork. Father & son shit. A bad day at the races is still a pretty good day with the right company.





The Splash


I had gotten a new rod & reel for Xmas. We were fishing in early March. It was kinda cold. Me on the rear deck. Mom in the middle, Dad in the front. It was his boat & all. "One man's junk" He had built this boat from a 16 ft V bottom hull that had been caved in from a tree falling on it in a Missouri tornado to the point that it was now a functional bass boat in Georgia. I was about 15. We're in a quiet little cove I'm hosing down my plastic with the original greasy assed Fish Formula. It got on my hands.The instant I realeased the cast I saw the rod & reel combo leave my hand. And I went after it.

The way dad told this story went something like this.

"Aw, I don't know what the hell happened." One minute we're calm in the water & the next the boat is leaning forward & then rocks back & almost knocked me outta my damn chair" And when I came up, Ther was a huge splash & Gregory was gone."

I dove off that boat arms wide open, full spread belly flop. I wrapped my arms together around the rod as the reel was pulling it to the bottom. But I got it. I break through the water with my parents looking at me in one of the more strange ways that they ever looked at me with. But I got it. Quickly it begins to dawn on everyone involved as to what just transpired & the laughing started. But I got it.

Dad asked later why I went in. I said cuz I knew how much that thing cost & Dad woulda killed me. He just laughed at me.

Now remember I said it was cold?  So I get dragged toward the bank & now must strip in the wood line. to get some warm clothes. But we dont really have any. We got some rain suits though. So I'm about naked now while Mom goes to digging in the compartment under the drvivers bench And comes up with a rain suit & without even thinking she hands it toward me. I look at it & say" Mom! That damn suit is clear"

Eventuall we found a brown one to cover my droopy drawered naked ass. I can't remember another time we laughed so hard or so long. Just me with my folks. "Yeah." Dad said. "Just a big fuckin' splash & you was gone."

Hockey???

I was makin some money. Following in the footsteps. For his Birthday I'm gonna take him out. Just him & me. Dinner, drinks, take in a Blues game. Thats the St. Louis hockey team if you dont know. We get settled in the cheaper seats of the old barn. Beer, Pretzel. It's all good. After the game gets started Dad says to me, Of all the damn sports how'd you pick hockey? It was the one sport he knew nothing about. Maybe that was why. Dunno really. But I was the coach & he was the student & it was great. During the game in walked a couple of nuns & sat down right in fornt of us. They werent there at the start of the game. It is a Catholic town. Hmmm, different. A fight on the ice breaks out & the guy across the aisle Screams out, "Kill the bastard!" And then immediately realizes his faux pas & says "I'm sorry sister" To which she replies " Thats OK I think they should be hittin the sonsofbitches more anyway." The whole section fell out laughing & my dad says while chuckling. "Hey! This is cool."

A few years later. He saw another hockey game with me. He had always been my coach growing up. Today he watched his son coach a Varsity High School hockey game.

A couple weeks after that I came to work after my weekend & brought with me the State Championship trophy into work. I took it back to my Dad's office & went to my duties. Around break I went back to his office & found him sitting with his back to me, one hand on my trophy. Kicked back in his chair. I've seen that big grin before. When he saw me he says, " So you won it huh?" "Yep dad, sure did.""Well damn son! Thats really something."" Yeah dad, I think so." "Hey guys." as he springs from his seat. "Look at this, My boy is the head coach of the State champiuon high school hockey team." "Thanks" to the guys But my dad was proud. Almost as if he won it. He did. He did it through me. And what I taught came at least partially from him.
 I'm glad to have been a part of it. And I'm glad my Dad got to experience that too. It was a neat thing to have as a grown man with his father.

 

The day I got the news my father passed is now a blur for the most part. I'm sitting in an empty home. A couple days after Thaksgiving. This was the first holiday alone for all of us. My sister had lost her husband. Died in Feb. My Dad had lost his Wife, my mom, in Jul. I lost my mother in law to be in Aug, & my fiancee left in Sep.. We were together & we had a good time but we were distant & alone. Constant shell shock. Like living thru a frosted piece of glass. A dream world. It's all going on around you but you're not really there.

Anyway, just home from that by a couple days & sitting in an empty home my doorbell rings & the door is being banged on & I leap from my nest & open the door to have my nephew collapse in my arms. Sobbing.

It takes several tries before I can understand the words. Grandpa's dead. What?!? A Ga. state patrol car had stopped at my sisters & she wasnt there. Neither was my nephew. But my 12 yr old niece was. Alone & this cop gave her the info that her Grandfather had died. And you wonder why I don't like cops.

She relayed it to him & he drove to me. I called & confirmed everything & then I had to call my sister. One of the tougher things I've ever had to do. Apparently he died in his sleep & when the guys at work couldnt get him on the phone they came lookin'.

The rest of the evening is drug induced, alcohol fueled, surrealism to the point of blackout.

I made it through the day. I had one little crack but made it through the day. Once I started the drive home in my dad's old truck & got thru the toll booth the tears streamed the rest of the way home.

I miss you dad. Happy Birthday. I'll always try to make you proud.

a judgement day

So I only have a few minutes but I wanted to get something out. While I started this blog as a way to get some of the bed stuff out of me & onto a page I also knew that I could use this as a social experiment of sorts. And yesterday that manifested itself.

See I believe that by talking thru the internet you lose alot in the translation. One must be extra careful in one's wording & tone to be fully understood. I think we've all had the experience of being taken out of context due to the inability to be seen & heard in a real world kinda way.

Well through a series of FB commentes I ran into a "friend" that passed judgment. It was subtle & non-chalant but there just the same.

Let me put this as delicately as I can. FUCK YOU!!! You don't know me. You only think you do. You havent walked in my shoes cuz I only have one pair & I would know.

Apparently this person/these people believe it easy to take a few snipets of text & form a complete picture of another human being. Shame on you. This also happened to a friend of mine. Must've been something in the water or the moon's cycle yesterday or someone passed out the stupid pills or something.

What most people here dont know about me is that when face to face you may never know or think anything was wrong. I'm "quick with a joke or a light of your smoke"

Bottom line is it's offensive. And whats worse is you can actually watch the degradation of society in it. Who are you to judge? Who are any of us to judge? It's one thing to form an opinion based on a lot of information. It's something entirely different to judge & toss to the side because you dont feel another worthy to be in your life or to experience your presence.

I won't tell you who it was. I won't tell you what was said. I wouldnt dare to dignify it by giving it breath & life. But it's happened to us all @ one point or another. And it's just wrong.

Compassion is one of the beautiful things in this world in my opinion. Try & work on your own today please. Don't judge. Question. Try to understnad. Try to mentor. And if you cant do that then maybe I'm not the one with the problems. Maybe it's you.

Incomplete thought & blog but I gotta go.

Peace

SUN Day

It's Sunday morning. I'm up too early because of the dogs. I'm also up angry. Some days are like that here. I just read some emails & comments. Apparently my stories are having some effect on folks. I can't ask for any more. And I have yet to receive one bad comment since beginning this project. Thats cool too. But that may change at any time & today could be the day.


It's Sunday. A time for worship? NO. That would be Saturday. Saturday is the seventh day. Saturday is the day of rest & worship. And I'm about to get started so be prepared to get pissed off.

Look at your calendars. Which day does the week start with? Thats right. Sunday. And God said let there be light. And there was light. And that light was the Sun. And thats why its called SUNday. And so Sunday is day one. NOT day seven. Now from this point I could go all rogue on you with science vs. theological rhetoric but my point is not to alienate. My point is to make you think. To make you question. Not to question your own beliefs but rather to question those that came before you & what they preach as religious law.

I know ALOT of people that would be considered religious. Some of them are going to read this blog. Why don't you practice what is preached? Thats hypocrisy. It could also be considered blasphemous. You don't practice the book as its written. For a moment we'll leave the Old Testament behind & ask simply Why don't you practice the word of Jesus as it's been put before you? It angers me.

 I'm not Jewish. I'm Christian if you have to put a label on me. But the truth is I'm a seeker & I dont beliueve any world religion has it spot on. But there are common threads through most all world religions & its those threads that I base my beliefs on.

Hypocrisy drives me nuts. Especially when I find I'm the hypocrite but let me get back to my point. If you, as a Christian, believe then why don't you follow your own doctrines? I see the vanity at my local church. It's in an abandoned strip mall & yet the people arrive in droves, dressed to the nines. Why? Christ wore tattered robes & sandals ( when he had shoes). And yet here they are, preening, comparing, JUDGING. I show up in jeans & a t-shirt. A minority in more than one way. If sandals were good enough for Jesus then they're good enough for me. And they are more than good enough for you.

 I see the advertisement on the board outside. The pastor pictured in his best suit. He looks like a used car salesman & one I don't think I'd buy from. I wonder how long before I'm asked for money. Bono once said "My God isn't short of cash mister." Well my God doesnt need cash at all. Never has. Never will. But to tithe is a good thing. Not for the betterment of the church but for the betterment of the congregation & community. To be charitable is good. I can't remember where in the Bible it says to pay your preacher for preaching. I don't believe that my pastor should be the wealthiest man in the room. At least not monetarily. If churches are not for profit then why are you driving a car that most in your congregation could never afford? Why do you wear a thousand dollar suit in a town riddled with poverty?  The message could be awesome but I don't hear it. All I hear is hypocrisy. It's one thing to preach it. Most anyone can do that. It's another to live it. Jesus' church was the ground He walked upon.

It's not like I'm suggesting you be Christ-like. That is too much for anyone to ask of anyone else. But I am suggesting that you try. When you cut me off in traffic. When you cheat, lie & steal.( Oh yes you do)  When you covet the beautiful body that crosses your path. When you lust after the neighbor's new car. When you spew venom towards another behind their back. When you lose sight of the big picture & get lost in your own worldly pursuits. You have lost touch with what you claim to be your cornerstone of belief. And the worst part? You are oblivious to it. It never dawns on you that you have broken the covenants set before you.

I didnt ask you to believe. But I insist that if youre going to claim yourself a Christian then ACT like it. I see our society as a self absorbed teenager. One that throws a tantrun when they dont receive immediate gratification. One that shuns responsibility so they may do as they wish. One that interperets the perceived word of God in their own favor because it's too difficult to actually do it the way it's been set forth. Well folks, that's hypocrisy.

Now, like I said, I didnt ask you to believe. Frankly I don't think alot of you really do. It's a convenient social climbing step. But you wouldnt call yourself a professional ball player because you played catch on the weekend. Why do you call yourself a follower of Christ if you don't really follow along?

I hope youre pissed at me. I hope you question & comment. I hope that while you point that finger at me you take a long look at the three pointing back at you. And then I hope (& pray) that you take an honest look at where you've strayed & make an effort to right the ship.

Too many people are trying to lead. Trying to take whats laid before them & decide whats best for someone else. But to be a good leader you must first be a good follower. Too many skip that part. No perceived glory or authority in following. My father would call that too many Chiefs & not enough indians. I call it the refusal to look inside one's self & fix those problems before you judge those of another.

Maybe I'm being too judgmental. Maybe thats my hypocrisy. Or maybe I was directed to write this. And you were drawn to read it. Either way the thought has been put forth. It's in print. And like another text I'm thinking of you're allowed to take it out of context & twist it's meaning. You may also cross it with other opinions & make holidays out of it if you choose. You probably shouldn't but you will anyway. Or you could take it as it's worded. Not to question the meaning but just to follow. Isn't that what Faith is all about?

I do love this song. It makes me smile & cry at the same time. Take the time. LISTEN. Let it pull you. direct you. Change you.

And I got one more just to lighten it up. Hope it makes you smile. Puts some perspective on things. And know that I love you. I truly have love for you all.

V-day done

So I thought I'd share a story with you all. It's a sweet story. One of love & hope & promise. Maybe we'll finish it off as living happily ever after. Then again it is my story so probably not.

I wanted to share the story of my engagement night. Maybe it will set the bar a little higher for some of your expectations. Maybe not.

Oh, Valentine's. The best or worst of all possible holidays depending on your relationship status....and your attitude.

Now at this point I've done all the work. The planning & shopping & all that is done. I'm just gonna take you on my date that night. OK? You dressed & ready? Great! Let's go.

It's Saturday. Feb. 12th. The year doesnt matter anymore. We're going to our favorite little Italian joint. It's got a chef that trained under Mario Batali & they know us by name. But tonight is special. As we walk into the back dining room, off to one side, is a table with a vase with two dozen roses. Red & white. Theyre for you. Uh...her but you're following along.

Every head in the place turns to watch who's being treated so royally. And she is beaming. Some are surely wondering who the slave boy is with her. That'd be me. But I have secrets in store & I can see the love in her eyes. Let's have a drink. Bottle of wine or something different? I already knew the answer. They had popped the cork when I walked in. Along with the wine comes a gift. Nothing too crazy. We have a long night ahead. We'll order an appetizer. I already did that. The menu is set but she does have 3 choices for an entree so I wasnt a dick about it.

The appetizer comes. And with it, another gift. "More song! More wine!" We order an entree & she almost cant contain her excitement. What's next? Another gift? Of course. And then dessert. I'd share the gifts but use your imagination here. I had lots of stuff. Gift bags. Big boxes. Little boxes. Pretty things. Silky things. Little shiny things. We know how you like those.

I was in love. What can I say. Its who I am. It's who I aspire to be. But by the end of the meal most of the men in the room had just been schooled & they werent real happy with me. The women on the other hand were gushing. And I liked the attention. So did she.

So dessert comes. It was on fire. Good stuff. And another gift. Now I already told you this was an engagement date. The night I popped the question. So what do you think the dessert gift was?  Bzzzzzz. Nope. Wrong answer. We finished our meal & paid the check. Love is expensive. But worth every penny.


So on the way out, helping her with her coat, I ask if she just wants to go home or maybe an after dinner drink somewhere. She chose the latter. Good girl. Off we drive. No I'm not telling you where. You'll just have to wait. Downtown we go. And end up at the sundial. Thats the rotating lounge on top of the Westin. a.k.a. Peachtree Plaza.

We settle, have a few drinks. And a couple more. I gotta get rid of this lump in my throat. I'm about to take a giant step here. The place is crowded. So much so that a young couple has joined us. Seating was limited. But its a lounge so have a seat. Watch & learn young man.


I stand. She looks at me. I act is if I'm excusing myself and she lets me pass. But it's only to get more room. Any of you that know me know that I have a voice that, to put gently, carries. I start by saying that I'm having a great time. And that I love you. She blushes. I have no problem in the spotlight. She doesnt like to draw attention. Not to mention she knows that given the chance I'll embarass us both. But not this time.

I express how nice the place is & that I'm afraid of heights. But this is also the closest I may ever come to standing on top of the world & exclaiming my love for you. She reaches up to grab my hand & pull me down. So not to embarass her & as she does I drop all the way to one knee. Flip out the ring I've been playing with in my pocket for most of the evening & say. I love you. I never want to spend another day with anyone else. Will you marry me?


I found out later that I did, in fact, take her totally by surprise. She, like maybe you< thought it would come with all the other gifts at dinner if it was going to happen at all. Hey, I thought of that. I got this covered.

She did say yes. The crowd erupts with applause & congratulations. But not one person there bought us a drink or came by to shake a hand or see the ring. Just a little note. If you witness such an act. Show some class. By them a drink. Shake the man's hand. Tell the woman she looks beautiful & congrtulate her. What happened to old school values? Eh, whatever.


We stayed until closing. I dont know that I've ever seen a woman so happy with me. I dont know that I've ever been so happy or proud of myself. It was truly glorious.


We've since parted. Never fulfilling the promise. It's alot of why I am who I am today. But that night. That brief moment will stay with me til the day I leave this earth. And maybe it will stay with her & with you too.

We don't know what will happen. Tomorrow is not promised. But to seize the day, on that day will stay on the trophy case of my mind forever. Not to mention that may have been the best elevator ride down in the history of mankind. But that kids is another story.

Love generously. Give wholly. Share what you have & drink deep the times that are special to you. They may only come once in a lifetime. And you owe it to yourself to allow yourself to feel that deeply. I do love to be in love.

I hope you get a better picture of me in comparison to some of the other things written here. And I'm again proud. Proud that I put this down in print. Proud of the man that I am. And proud that I can still look back on this & know if I knew what was going to happen, I would do it all again.

 What can I say. I was in love. I hope I get to do it all over again someday. She may have left. But my love is mine. I get to share it in the grandest or simplest of ways. She took alot when she went away but she could never take that away from me.

My love to you.  Happy Valentine's day. 
Peace.

Valentine's day

Or as some have called it. Singles awareness day. Now thats just S.A.D.

I had a rough weekend. I helped a friend do some painting. No big deal but I havent been feeling well lately. Thats always has me concerned due to my heart ailment. So a steady, ever increasing level of anxiety showed up. Stayed almost all weekend. But then that same friend gave me an atavan,low dose, and that has me feeling like a new man this morning.

But damn am I outta shape. Still sore across the center of my back & shoulder area. But I didnt die so thats a good thing. Right? So I get through the weekend only to find that I'm right in the middle of commercial LOVE day. Fuck'em. I don't believe in it. Saturday was the anniversary of my engagement. I think I'll remember that day forever. I only wanted to do it once so I went all out. The kind of proposal you read & dream about. But the bitch is gone now so whats the point? Bitter? You bet your ass I am. I try not to be. I've trieed the whole forgiveness thing for my own sake. Didnt take. And if I'm to be totally honest there's a part of me thats still very much in love. And that ruins it for anyone else trying to get in. Sorry honey, the doors locked, barred & rigged with explosives. There is currently no entry into my heart. Who suffers? Well I do, of course. Vicious cycle that drags me down when I should be on my way up. Its a heavy load to carry on my way to the mountain top.


So, with a tear, I celebrate the love you have, or that you believe you have. I do love to be in love. I am the romantic. But, not today. I'll keep my head down & try to avoid the fodder. I'll also try not to think of days gone by when I welcomed this day. Should be easy enough. Once I get involved with work & such this will long be an afterthought. It's the times alone when I'll be a mess later tonight. But I'm gonna love me. When I get home after rush hour on my bike I'm going to make myself a meal that most would be very proud to have. I'm gonna soak in a hot tub. I said my back still hurts. And I'm going to think a little while on what else I have planned for myself. When I satrt to think of days gonbe by I'm gonna stomp on my own foot & write down plans for the future. That could be depressing enough but I'd rather be depressed in the here & now or in the future than wallow in the past. She left. She's gone. She's never coming back & I'm never gonna get an inkling of an explanation why she did any of it.


Maybe later I'll write down some of the stuff I have done for Valentines but for now I'm just gonna leave it here & be thankful I still have me to love along with my puppies who are MY family & my friends who seem to be coming out of a winters slumber that has taken years. I'm still here! I'm a little older & a little more sad but I'm still here. Where the fuck have you been? You "friends" that bailed when times got tough. Yeah I see you. When the world fell apart & you stood on the sidelines cuz you didnt want to choose a side or "get involved" I fucking see you. Fickle sonsofbitches. I'M STILL HERE! And only God can judge me. Y'know what? I think he kinda likes me. And maybe more importantly, I like me too.

I'll share my love today. Same as I do everyday. It's not a commercial holiday to me. It's alot more & I try to behave that way all the time. I dont need a calendar to remind me to have love in my heart or to share it with others. And if you do then maybe youre the one who's S.A.D.

Peace

no snow day

Yeah I said I would didnt I?

No snow. Well not enough to cause any problems. Still, its top story on the news. And I guess the thing that bugs me about it is that the people on the air seem to have no clue how this snow thing works. Not like its brain surgery. Just a little frozen rain is all. But we're talking about all these scientific things this a.m.


Funny. At least to me. It's like someone deathly afraid of spiders. EEEK!!! Snow! But now they're starting to understand that by this afternoon all of this precip will be history. And thats a major weather incident. Silly.


But it is pretty outside my back door. I got the big flaked sticky stuff here last night & its covered the braches & stuff to provide a backdrop for the critters that are moving about doing their morning hustle.

I dont have alot to say this a.m. I'm not looking forward to work. They've been kind of messing with us in that be a good corporate employee kind of way. I resent that shit. I've seen first hand how corporate America behaves & I dont trust them for anything. But the suits that still believe are trying to go Rah-Rah on us minions & its insulting. Plus if the bosses knew how quick corporate would cut them for the sake of the bottom line they might have a different view. But it is a means to an end. I do have a plan & so far its working so I'll stay with it


A story on Sunday alcohol sales. Really??? Fucking hypocrites. Do you know how many states still have Sunday blue laws? 3 Yep just 3 & I'm in one of them. Now I'm not a big drinker. Never really have been. It's the mentality that enrages me. The thinking is so antiquated. Who are you to legislate my morality?

You can have extra-marital affairs. You can have all kinds of sex scandals, embezzlement, wire-tapping, misappropriations of funds, assault, rape, murder, & mayhem but you dont think its a good idea for me to be able to buy a beer on Sunday because it goes against your interpretation of what my Christian values should entail.


The thing that really gets me is that the native Georgians seem to be almost brainwashed to it while the people that I know that have been outside this state seem to see it for what its worth. Almost like theyve grown up with it this way so why change? Whats the difference? Don't fix whats not perceived to be broken. I gotta get out of this state. And quite frankly, Colorado is looking better all the time.

A little more than a month before I can transfer. Or at least start the process. Of course things would probably be ok here if I could make a decent living. But thats a rant for another time.


You kids bundle up now. Its cold outside. Flirting with freezing temps this a.m. so be prepared. It's only gonna be in the 40's today.

Did I miss a day???

So... Did you miss me? No? Thats what I figured.

I got hit up this morning on FB. Ambushed by an I.M. Damn that technology. So why am I not writing? The easy answer is that I have nothing to say. Now that those of you that know me have stopped laughing maybe I should explain more.

I started writing to ease some pain or get some things out. Lately I haven't been quite as angry. Thats a good thing right? But as a side-effect I havent been compelled to write as much.

But don't fret, I'm still pissed off. Just not as much. BUt we do have snow in the forecast. Surely there will be something for me to bitch about.

Did you have fun in traffic yesterday? 285 was shut down due to a traffic fatality. And while I hesitate to say anything because of a young mans death I do have to be honest with myself. And these are the thoughts I had.
Yesterday's morning traffic recipe:
Start with 1 compact car heading west in the eastbound lanes.
Mix violently with 1 tractor trailer heading east.
Glaze with margarine. Approx. 6 tons
Bake til golden brown.


5 lanes covered with margarine on fire. Would have liked to have seen that.
Where's an overturned Orville Redenbacher truck when you need one?


If that accident would've happened on the south side at least we could ve  gotten some strippers out there & charged a cover. Subsidize the clean up costs & all.

PLus when I think of that much liquified butter I can only think of 2 things. Popcorn & strippers. Not necessarily in that order.

Now that I think of it. When I think of alot of things I correlate them with popcorn & strippers. But without the popcorn. Is that wrong?


Guess I'm hard up. Or maybe thats up hard. I'll figure it out later.


Ok kids. Its off to work. Cant wait for Michelle Obama to be in town today. She's gonna be here to discuss childhood obesity/ I have a thought on that.

Quit stuffing food in the damn kid! Dont buy the new Xbox. Buy the new Schwinn instead. Or how about this...Remeber chores? NO not clean your room chores. The go walk the dogs after youve pulled weeds & stacked wood chores. Y'know the shit that gets your hands dirty & breaks a sweat.

I coached for 15 yrs. I started with a few fat kids but dont think I ever had any at the end of the season.


Anyway, Cant wait for Obama. Just cant wait to see how bad she fucks up my afternoon commute.

Childhood obesity. GEESH!!! You know whos responsible for your kids being obese? YOU ARE!

What's that? Oh, they don't want to work hard & put forth effort? No shit! Thats a given. Crack the whip you pussy. They may not like you now for it but they'll respect you later. You'll respect yourself too.


Childhood obesity. Give me a fuckin break. Funny how technology is supposed to make things easier. You never seem to notice the things that new technology actually takes away.

Example: Social networking sites are inherently anti-social. Think about it.

Peace.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IoO5nkxT_4

Day of the tire

Friday afternoon. Rush hour. Now normally I get off early enough that I dont worry too much about getting caught in traffic. Friday I was praying for bumper to bumper. And here's why.


It's time to change the tires on the truck. I already drove one of them off the rim a couple weeks ago & still havent had the money to get it fixed. The other front tire is howing bad signs of wear. So much so that I'm praying on the way to work for safe passage. Please God grant me safe passage. I'm trying the best I can & I need your help & grace to see me through. Please just let me get there & back. So you be the judge if my prayer was answered.


I leave work between 2:30 & 3:00. Headed home down 400 S. Middle lane, 68 mph. The left front tire explodes. Or so I thought. 60 degrees out so the window is down & the tread comes off the tire & slings past me so close I felt the breeze. Missed my arm by inches & it flew up & past. Violent shaking. Instability. Cars at speed on both sides of me. BRAKES! I fight to keep it in the lane, hit the signal & bail for the shoulder. Whew! Stopped. Damnit! I'm 40 miles from home. Just south of Alpharetta & I'm going to Riverdale. SHIT!


I have no spare. It's on the right side already. What am I gonna do. I almost gave up & just sat down to cry. Wait a minute. That tire has air in it still. It only threw the tread cap. Wow! Thats impressive. I back up on the shoulder about 50 ft & hit the off ramp. Tire slapping the inner fender well the whole way. I felt like a NASCAR driver trying to make the pits without destroying the vehicle in the process. I drive, very slowly on this thing to a parking lot where I can break out some tools & really assess the damage. There's a huge chunk of loose rubber still attached. I have to get that removed. Every time the wheel rolls its slinging this hunk of tire carcass into the fender. Its an awful noise. And the truck shakes so bad @ 20 mph I can barely limp it around. Where's a Wal-Mart? They have cheap tires.


So I'm around Perimeter Mall. Surely theres something around here. I pull in at a strip mall & ask for directions. I actually asked 3 people. Surprisingly I got 3 different answers. So with no real sense of where I was headed I venture off again. Hazard lights flashing. Tire carcass slapping. It's so loud & violent that people walking the streets are turning around looking for the shooter a block before I can get to them. It was bad. A Marta Station. HEY! I could carry the bad tire home on the train & have someone pick me up on the south side. Naw. Don't panic Greg. Just figure it out.

A-HA!!! A freakin Wal-Mart. And I only had to drive about 6 miles to find it. I drive around back. Looking around the corner the whole way to see the auto center. And as I am hunched up on the steering wheel I can feel my frustration grow more the farther round back I get. This must be the only Wal-Mart SUPERcenter that I've ever seen that has NO auto center. Screwed again. Come on! Really? Yep. No tires. But while I'm here I'll look for something to hack this chunk of tire off. I find a cheap hack saw for $4 & go to work in the parking lot. 30 minutes later the hunk of rubber gets tossed into the bed. But the fender is a mess. It could be worse but it ain't good.


OK so now I guess lets find a tire place. I ask 3 people at Wal-mart & again get 3 different answers. But one of them sounded competent so I follow his advice. He was also the only guy to see me in the parking lot & asked if he could be of help. He commented on how blessed I was that nothing more serious happened & how amazing it was to see the tire was still inflated. Commented on my ingenuity & helped all he could. Or all I would allow. But it hit me. I was blessed here. I could of went careening across 3 lanes of interstate & left a path of destruction in my wake. I could be sitting on the side of the road with a flat 40 miles from home. Instead I'm talking with a man that helped me put some perspective & a smile back on my face. And I'm not so sure it wasn't God himself using this guy as His vessel. But I'm still stressed. And this is far from over.


So I'm off again and now the tire slapping has stopped. No more damage being done to the truck & this thing is actually, sorta, driveable. I drive slowly the 3/4 of a mile to the Goodyear store @ the mall. So Wal-Mart doesn't do  tires here but Macy's does??? I walk into the shop, fire off the tire size to the kid behind the counter who looks at me like I'm speaking Swahili. The manager asks if he can help. I tell him the story & that I need the cheapest tire he's got. 5 minutes later I'm given an estimate for $250. $400 if I buy 2. I don't have that kind of money available right now. Sad I know but true. Hey! No problem. I can FINANCE tires. WTF has this world come to when it's a regular thing for people to have to finance tires? Thanx but no thanx.


I make a call to a friend close to home & ask for some help. Call around locally & find me some USED tires. CHEAP! Please. And while you do that I'm just gonna limp this thing toward home til it gives out. Maybe that will be close enough to a bar so I have some place to drown my sorrows while the calvary mounts up.


It's now after 4pm. Traffic is in full swing. Bumper to Bumper. Well at least I dont have to worry about goiing too fast or drawing attention to myself. I'm creeping along, Thru the 285 interchange. Thru the toll booth. And now traffic lightens. So I'm off on the shoulder. About 20mph. Hazard lights flashing again. Passing cops on the shoulder. Ocassionally having to jump into a lane to get around other cars & debris that litters the shoulder. Don't run anything over or I'm stuck right here.


I cant go faster than about 42 or the shaking is so bad I can hardly control the wheel in my hands. Thank you God for power steering. Thru the 400/85 merge & straight into downtown Atlanta. 6 lanes wide of parking lot. Off goe the hazards & creeping along. 5 oclock comes & goes. Past I-20 now & headed home. I made it to the southside. 25 miles gone. 20 to go.


All of the sudden, as if I don't already literally have my hands full theres a HERO truck behind me. I'd stop for him but there's nothing he can do for me so if you could turn off those lights & take the attention off me that would be cool. I mean the damn thing isnt registered. I'm a rolling infraction several times over. As I get to the 75/85 split I realize I'm gonna have to cross 3 lanes of traffice to get to 75. Cars going past at 75mph. And theres just no way thats happening. So I guess its backroads. I bail off @ Langford Pkwy and figure I'll go around the airport to Riverdale Rd but I have no idea how to get there.


I get some directions by phone but its tough to decipher & I'm a stress bunny. My back is so tight I can feel the muscles constrict as I move. So its down the Pkwy past where I should have gone & wind up @ 285. FUCK!!! This is worse than 75. Really dangerous & if you didnt already know Atlanta drivers have to be some of the most poorly skilled, impatient, rude drivers I've ever seen. And I've driven all over. Foreign countries even & these people suck. If you've lived in Atlanta your whole life & think you drive well you're WRONG!!! And being as you have no basis of fact to base anything on don't argue withe me. You suck. Deal with it.


So I limp down 285. Make it to Old National. Onto the back roads to Riverdale Rd. More back roads & I can see home. I'd drive it home on the rim at this point. Ahhhh, my driveway. I left work @ 2:40. It's now 6:50.

Saturday morning I'm gonna take it up to the tire store. 2 used tires that I get to choose & the total mounted & balanced......80 bucks total. One thing about living in a poor neighborhood is you can get stuff cheap if you look hard enough. And now I still have enough to put gas in the truck for work & eat.


BUT, somewhere along the way I tore something up in the braking system. I have a leak & no pedal pressure. Fixed or not I'm driving it to work on Monday. I'd take the bike but it needs a front tire too. And thats one vehicle you dont want an explosive blow out @ 70 mph with.


Now, do I have the worst luck? Or am I blessed beyond belief? You could debate either side but to look at the corpse of a tire & know what I just went through to get to where I am I think I'll go with the blessing. What do you think? And YES! I drove home 40 miles on this.

Day of the Union

So it's the State of the Union. Did you watch? Did you hear the rebuttal? Did you see the Tea Party response? No?

Why the Hell not? I'm gonna enclose a link for you to check out the highlights. You can spend a few minutes checking it out & pursuing what interests you.


But this is my blog so I'll state my own opinion here. My page. My rules. My views. Thats how this started so why change now


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41231291/ns/politics-white_house/?GT1=43001
Make sure to scroll all the way down on this one to get some interesting facts.


http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2011/state.of.the.union/?hpt=T1



I find it amusing in an ironic sort of way that I'm talking politics. It's a sport for old men. I guess I'm becoming an elder.


I like what I hear in regards to finding new green energy sources. It's overdue. I fully support developing solar & alternative fuel power. I hear the Republican response to stop investing in foreign oil & to utilize America's resources but I don't hear them saying to get rid of oil. Oil is yesterday to me. We have to look toward the future or be found in the dust of those who would leave us behind.


I also fully support a heavy investment in both education & infrastructure. It boggles my mind how we of all countries have allowed our educational system to errode internally. And how are educators are not one of the most respected & compensated fields of employment. Our standards need to be higher. Our money needs to be focused on education.

 Additionally, the percentage of our infrastructure budget is a fraction of what it was 50 yrs ago. Yet, we have more of it. Anyone who owns a home knows if you do nothing to it after its built eventually it will fall apart on its own. Not only do you have to maintain a budget to keep it at its current standard but invest in its future well being. With a few improvements along the way. Money must be diverted to improve infrastructure. Our house is falling apart.


I also agreed with investing in communication & technology based businesses. If the internet is the future & we invented the internet & computer technologies then how do more S.Koreans have access to the net than Americans. How have the Chinese caught & passed us in some of these areas?


We are not utilizing our current strengths & I see Obama speaking to that tonight. That pleases me.


I'm gonna point a finger or two now. I think it's great that Congress did not sit seperated by party lines but intermingled with each other. I appreciate the carefully worded content by the Republican rebuttal but I still heard blame there. It irritates me that the evidence shows that these problems of ours have been in place, perpetuated even, for many years but staunch Republicans still try to point the finger at the Democrats. And take no responsibility for their own actions. The figures from 2000-2010 are staggering. And our leadership was not Democrat. So for all you Tea party members out there. I believe you attack to keep from having to explain & validate. Or compromise.


To me the Republican formal rebuttal seemed creepy from Rep. Paul Ryan. In a stepford wives/ automaton/ Big brother kinda way. He seemed so programmed. Kinda freaked me out. Especcially when he was talking about "less" government.  But there was some attempt to bridge the gap & make nice. I believe a better tack than previous years. And the Tea party response was creepy too. Hey!!! Bachman! What the hell are you looking at the whole time? The teleprompter? She's perky in an extremist sorta way. And to hear her cleverly worded retort. I felt a sense of dishonesty from her. A fake person. A choreographed soft shoe. Graphs & charts squarely placing blame. Buzz words in place of direction. Well worded rhetoric. Scary how good their writers are at incite, deflection & attack. Or maybe they aren't as good. I guess we'll see now that the house is Republican.


 But I do applaud the ideal the Tea party embraces regarding challenging & restructuring government. And to challenge the two party structure. At least in spirit. I want a goverment of, by, & for the people. Not of, by & for the corporation. Unfortunately thats where my biggest problem is with the Republican team & it's minor league affiliates. BTW, I consider myself an Independant. And believe that unless somebody's compensating you for your vote then you should be independant too. Apparently the Independants were the most negative about this speech overall.



I hear that people dont agree with Obama's policies but yet his approval rating is up. I hear people calling for him to be responsible regarding spending but also see the view of having to spend additional monies to identify & fix the problems before we again haphazardly cut across the board.



How does one, bureaucratically, remove bureaucracy?  Is that , by definition, impossible?


I don't believe that capitalism is the way life should be. Try this on for size. Do you consider yourself Christian? Religious? How about Spiritual? I should have targeted about 95% of you.

If money is the root of all evil then is captialism not evil incarnate? Where in the Almighty dollar is the truth, the way, the light?


I believe that the meek , shall indeed, inherit the Earth. I'm just not so sure of the condition it will be in when we finally get a hold of it.

what day? where?

So, I'm watching nothing. I was asleep actually. On the couch. Awakened by a dog that refuses to grasp the concept of bladder control until I sleep as long as I want.


Psshhhht! What's his deal?


Anyway, awakened to an infomercial. The Sleep Number Bed. Hmmmm, I'd bet that thing is more comfy than the couch. Well, I'm up now. I might as well look that thing up online. Open slides the back door. Dogs run outside & quickly lift a leg. I look up "The Sleep Number Bed!" Spoken in my best cheesy announcer voice. Starts at only $600.


 You've seen this. Right? The mattress that you control by adding or removing air to inflate it to the most comfortable setting for you? Cool huh?. And they even have the one with two controls for both sides of the bed. Wow! Even better I think.


Long pause, cigarette smoking. Cold air blows in with the dogs. And then it hits me. You want me to spend $1000 for an air mattress??? And then it hits me again! (slaps self in the forehead) (a little too hard) I've got an old aero bed & enough cushion. I counted by fives. My sleep number is 580.


OK So the plan today. Clean the house. The damn thing wont stay clean. And all I do is live here. I don't get it. May have a little side work on someone else's car. I do that from time to time. And I have a whole list of humdrum chores to be completed. I'd probably get more done if I turned on the radio instead of the TV & stepped away from the computer.


I have a dog that sheds & hardwood floors. I swept yesterday but as I look around (still in my morning daze) my floor is furry. If you or I lost that much hair we'd look like a pre-pubescent member of the Olympic swim team. And yet the dog doesnt look like he's dropped a strand. I've got dog hair tumbleweeds this morning. And I just swept this place!


I've got to quit masturbating. It's too difficult to do that, steer & open the bus door at the same time.


Oh quit your groaning. I get your kids to school on time every morning.


They're only late home when it's their turn to clean the windshield.

I stole that joke from Michael Kosta.

another same day. And the best I recall it went somethin like this.

SO I finished with 1981.

'82-'86 The school years.Now I debated on writing nothing about this time. It seems uneventful but then I start to see pieces. Fragments that were blocked or forgotten. I'll share a couple. But first let me set the stage a little.


I was very much a normal teenager. Normal being the subjective word here. I didnt think beyond sex, drugs & rock-n-roll. There was some angst, some rebellion. I pushed the envelope some. And my school chums recollections of me vary but I'm harder on & more critical of myself than anyone else. This was the time in my life when drugs entered for the first time. My sister had introduced me to pot in Missouri but it didnt really take. It was after the move that getting high & fitting in became the option I chose. It really is the easiest way. And teenagers do like the easy way out now dont we?


So I've got friends now. Dad is chasing this job & after we moved he left to work in another city & come home on the weekends. He had alot of reasons for doing this but when you look back on it he was trapped in a cycle of dysfunction too. It was easier to live the life he wanted while being away. I mean, think about it. Married with children but only on the weekends. Mon-Fri he could drink, drug, & womanize. He did alot of all of that & then some. This is the part of my life when Dad was the enemy and Mom seemed weak.


 Someone else's struggles to come to terms can often be viewed in any other light than the light of truth. Happens everyday to all of us. This was no exception. The rule I learned that I have carried is NEVER judge a book by it's cover. Unless you live it you can't judge it. People are flippant & it pisses me off. When do the masses search for enlightenment? Could we get to that time please? I'd be much happier. And so would they.


So it's a Friday night. Me & the boys are going to the Midnight movie. Rocky Horror I think. On the way we had drinks & drugs. We were primed & there were 5 of us packed into a VW bug. It was a testosterone filled party. We were having fun. I'm riding shotgun. The following scene will be remebered in slo-mo. Driving up the road, probably too fast, approaching a S turn. An overcorrection brings my attention forward & off the party in the back seat. Up on the 2 left wheels. Headlights. Steering correction brings the car back to 4 tires & then swings onto the 2 right sides. Herbie the love bug style. But with alot more panic. Darryl set the car of all four & hits the brakes. The car begins to skid. & slides around the car coming head on. Spins counterclockwise 270 degrees & reaches the edge of the embankment ass first. Down the hill. Rolling over from the left rear corner. 2 1/2 rolls til the bug rests on the drivers side. Stopped. Breath returns. We start to climb out. I can remember stepping on Darryl's head to get out. Not by accident but as more of a way of showing my disapproval.

We're all ok. We'd be sore tomorrow but right now we're good. The guys decide its a good idea to stand around the back of the car & have a post wreck smoke. Gas & fluids still spilling out. As a mechanic's son I know this aint a good idea. I scramble up the hill & walk to the edge of the roadway. And at that exact moment a girlfriend's sister & her boyfriend pull by. " Hey man, are you OK?" "Yeah. Hey can I get a ride?"  I'm out. They take me back to their place. Which is about 300 yds from my house. But I'd much rather have a little TLC in peace & quiet then go home.


I think it was about 2:30 am Maybe closer to 3. I'm passed out in her bed. Her sister comes in to wake us. My Dad is standing at the door. Uh, WHY? How did he know where I was? Did he hear about the wreck? Is he worried? Did he come to save me? Nope. Upon reaching the doorstep, sluggish, sore & just awakening, I'm grabbed by the throat & lifted thru the doorframe. " Get your ass in that car right now." I must be in trouble. Sorry. But wait.



I wasnt in trouble for failing to report an accident or alleviating my parents fears. He was oblivious. Blind drunk. I was in trouble because I hadnt swept the garage properly. Not that I hadnt swept it at all but it was done wrongly. Lifted out of a friends place by the throat by an enraged drunk because dust remained. I was overlorded while I swept the garage @ 3a.m. I did it without saying a word. It was better that way. When I had finished to pass the white glove test all I wanted was sleep & rest. Nah, He has plans for me. Have a seat on an old milk crate. Sit here til the sun comes up & he's had enough time to wax philosophical & come down. Around 6 or so I was released freom bondage. This scene repeated itself in one form or another for several years. I think I remember it so vividly now because of the accident. As I look back now I can see the pain & dysfunction he was in. At the time was confusion & an overwhelming desire to just be left alone.


 Girls were soft & pretty & smelled good. They couldnt possibly understand but they could comfort. I'll take advantage of that & perpetuate the dysfunction a little more. It took much later in life to have the realization that every action has a consequence. Not some, ALL. The most trivial decision you make today. Think about who it affects & in what way. Can you go that deep? It will boggle your mind. And when poor decisions are made an adverse reaction occurs to the point of the breakdown of life as we know it.


Again, path toward enlightenment. Keep an eye on the big picture at all times & realize that what you do today touches someone tomorrow. Even if that wasnt your intent.


So thats enough for awhile. I'll finish highschool later & we'll start to get into some more substantial fuck ups.

A new day; The timeline

I've been wanting to do this for awhile. I'm gonna make a timeline of me. I'm sure that here is probably gonna be full of bad things but I may work my way into some of the good stuff too.


August 17th, 1968- Born in Aurora, MO
no,no,no Wayne's World was in IL. This place is a sleepy community close to the Ozark mountain area. Just a hillbilly.

1972- Sometime in spring. Kansas City, MO- Walking on the brick ledge that lined the driveway. Mom had told me not to do it. This time she caught me. She yelled at me  not to but as she did my concentration was taken away from being a curious boy & I took a wrong step, fell off & cracked my head wide open. I still remember it like it just happened. The ride to the hospital & my first stitches. One of my earliest memories.


1973- We moved to St.Peters, MO This is the place & time I consider home. My childhood was filled with promise. This is also the year that the airline went on strike. I can remember shelves downstairs filled with food. Stockpiled, no name, generic food. I can still see the white labels with black writing on the cans of generic beer. And while I didnt know any difference then I see now that at that time we were struggling. Things got better.


1975- maybe '76- My first trip abroad. Munich Germany. It's amazing how something from so long ago can stay with you.  I still have some of the souvenirs from that trip as a boy.


1976- Bicentennial. Alot of things happened that year. Mostly all good. Football, Baseball, Hockey. First girlfriend. First kiss. The hows & whys of patriotism. I have friends on Facebook from that time in my life.
What you see in the movies as the perfect life. That's what I lived. The block parties. The close friends. Street hockey,(Car!, game on) snow forts & snowball fights with the whole neighborhood, bicycles with baseball cards in the spokes, full on tackle football. The bruises, the blood, the skinned knees. Everything about it was right out of Norman Rockwell if he was wearing a leisure suit. A truly great childhood.


1978- Blood. Lots & lots of blood. Dad had been helping the inept neighbor chop wood. The neighbor missed & caught Dad's hand. Almost took the pinkie completely off. Fear in my father's eyes. My first terror experience. He's coming in as I'm opening the door. Met with blood & the sight. I cant ever foget the scene.


1979- coming home from being out. Late afternoon. I hopped the back fence. Dinner would be on soon. Who is that in my backyard? There's a couple of them. Those are cops. Guns? I can see my father through his bedroom window. Naked from what I can see. A shotgun in his hands, between his knees, barrel pointed toward the sky. Lots of yelling. Cops tried to grab me. I ran around front. Cars scattered in the street. Lights flashing, Neighbors, Mom. Chaos. Whisked away. The story never to be heard of or spoken of again. But I remember.



1981- The game changes. Reagan, PATCO strike, Dad follows his job to Atlanta, GA. We had to move. Going from 7th to 8th grade in school. Old friends gone. New friends & life different. Foreign. Fighting to fit in. I can remember the first day of school. I still had bell bottoms & hiking boots. Those got laughed at here. It was straight legs & Pony sneakers. 2 fights the first day. Kids are cruel. Southerners werent the hospitable people I'd heard they were. I don't belong here. This is also the time I realized that drinking was a real issue in my home.

Now I'm caught in a flood of memories. A blur of flashes. I'll come back & do some more later.

Just a random post

Oh, what to write about? I really dont know. There are so many things & yet no inspiration or desire to expose myself.



And then there's the thought of writing it down & manifesting the bad things into reality. I mean, I do have a history of fucked up stuff.


I could write a last will. I probably should. But not right now.


I think my block in writing over the past few days has more to do with my internal struggle to write down the demon than anything else. So I'm gonna give you a peek behind the curtain. And try to hold that closet door closed at the same time.


August 24th, 1995. Where were you? What were you doing. I had been 27 yrs old for a week on that date.
I was back living with my parents. A blessing actually. Back home from another relationship/roommate incident. Working a decent job but no major career move. But there was a plan. We had just had a great meal. Big juicy hamburgers off the grill with all the fixins. Sauteed onions. Slab cut bacon. You know, the kind you make at home that when youre done putting it together you wonder how the hell youre gonna fit it in your mouth. But you manage dont ya? Yeah. That awesome burger.



After dinner I curled up to watch TV. Dad went to get ready to leave for work. He worked midnights @ TWA. He would leave a few minutes before 11. I, on the other hand, could feel the indigestion coming on.
But it was a little different than your normal heartburn.



 I re-live this in my head alot. I know every nuance. I can't make it stop. It's nothing I want to keep. Eventually I hope to write it all down as it happened but it's terrifying to live through again & again. So I'll quit with the flowery.


On August 24th, 1995 I hade a massive heart attack. I've never been the same person. I never will be. And that part isn't all bad. But I literally live with pain & suffering to this day. And lately I have been feeling bad. I'm alone & it's scary. No insurance. No money. No one.

The shortness of breath. The vision starting to tunnel to dark. The fear. The Reaper. The physical strength I'll never have again. Why? How come? That might be a better posed question. In a grammatically challenged kinda way. I would never wish the experience on anyone ever.

And it's going to be my death.


I need to go to the Dr. I've thought about going to the hospital. I don't know what the right move is. Sounds strange right? I'm frozen. Caught in the headlights. I'm just erroding. I don't know why. Tortured by pain, regularly. But the torment is worse. "And I can't get myself to go away."

The quote is from Matchbox 20's "Longday" Go check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3leiVLew_vI

But I'll try the embed code on here & learn from my mistakes.


So I'm claiming the song as one of many that I lay claim to. I'll even give you one more. It's for Mom. As I sat on the couch at home (Mom's house) after my Mother died earlier that day, I heard this song on the radio. Now I know it wasnt written for this. But it struck me. I've never cried so hard for so long. I had it already recorded but  it just hit me in that moment. I had to keep playing it over & over. Almost as a prayer to Mom. It's "Movies" by Alien Ant Farm. Sounds weird I know but just give it a listen.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T8l9FL88gw


I hope you never hear these two songs the same way again.
I'm out. How's that for your morning coffee?

Day 11 Today was a good day

So its the long weekend and my how things have changed. Its Sunday afternoon and the football game is on.I should be farther ahead on my house cleaning & laundry but I'm just not. Try as I might I will never be described as a domestic goddess.


So let me tell you about my weekend. Friday I took a co-worker to the airport. Sat in traffic with someone that I really didnt know for about 1 1/2 hrs. Not bad but I would have rathered taken care of other things. So I'm a little behind. Saturday I had things that should have been done but after a decnt nights rest And the thermometer on the way up I took off toward a friends on the bike. Yeah I had to bundle up & the roads still had small patches of ice pack but it was worth it.

See I've been talking to a girl. Kinda has me all'o flutter. Somes aspects are a little scary & maybe not right on the bullseye but that's ok. I like the feeling. I think I'll enjoy it awhile.


So I went out on the bike. My communing with nature time. The bright radiant sun opposed by the chill of 45 degree  ambient temps at speed touching any exposed skin or light layers. The ole' girl likes the chill though. You can tell by the crack of the pipes & the feeling of her pulling against the reins a bit. She wants to run & so I twist my hand til the tears come from the wind getting in.. Long stretch of sunlit pavement. No oncoming traffic. No roads leading in as far as I can see. I'm at 100 before you get to 50 in that cage. Damn its cold now. But what a rush. I click thru 4th into 5th & kick back awhile. Hi God! How am I doin'? I'm trying. Best I can. What would you have me do?

Silence except for Bleu. That bitch is a screamer. Losing my tail pipe awhile back doesnt keep her any quieter. Just enjoying my place in this day & what He will allow me to see & be apart of.I think of Ice Cube. "Today was a good day."


On my way home I'm in the most treacherous part of the road. Way icy. Narrow ruts to ride thru. I had marked it in my head on the way out but it's on me again. I brake & the car in front of me swerves. And then I see it. Can I get stopped in time? Van behind me. Too close behind. Easy on the front binders. Then down thru 4th, 3rd, clutch, 2nd, On the fronts & rears. Easy on the ice. Clutch release. Pull it in one more time & slide toward the right of the lane. Van goes by. And there sits a well groomed black female shih tzu. I pull of onto the side road. Step off the bike & cll the dog. She comes to me. She is lost. You can tell. Wearing a collar with no tag & dragging a leash. I walk with her til she starts to head home & then its back to the bike. I cant leave it where its sitting, running. AS I throw a leg across I catch a blur. She's back out on the main road. I'm not sure how I got ther but I got between the car & the dog. All of us live to tell the tale. Whew. I couldn't let her die. And she was going to if I didnt intervene. I found the dogs owner & not a second too soon or she was coming home with me. I saved a life. Yeah ok so it was a dog but still. God was there. He made it happen. He gave me the choice to make. I chose the right path. And thats the part that feels so good.. Hate to see a lady in distress. Sorry to kiss & run. " Yeah, Today was a good day."



Now I 've got lots more to tell but I wanted to share that one on its own. But there is one thing I want you to remember. Y'know that big burly guy in the leather you shy away from. That guy with the loud pipes Drowning out your already too loud radio. That scruffy looking dude that you judge at the traffic light. Well today that guy just saved your dog's life. Would you have stopped in your car. Would you have walked the subdivision for a few minutes because the visual in your head was a crying little girl that just lost her puppy. Or would you have just missed her & kept on driving like so many around me did? I choose different things. I am different from you. Not better. Not worse. Don't judge my leather. Read the pins of the charities I helped worn with pride. Don't honk at me to get out of your way. Show me the respect I show you that you never even acknowledge. I rode my bike today. I became one with my surroundings. Pulse matching the V-twin roar. I did a good thing. I saved a life & re-connected family members.


Promise me this. When you see my dog in the street stop please. Either one of them may lead you to me. I may be in need of help. But the closeness you will feel toward your Higher power for doing what was jsut the right thing is the most powerful feeling you may ever have. Yep. Today was a good day.