Pre-anxiety day.

So my procedure isnt until Wed. @ 1;30.

But I'm already trying to prepare how the next 48 hrs are gonna go. Just being thorough??? I'm working toward an ativan afternoon is what I'm doing.

And if it doesn't get better than tomorrow could be a hair puller. Too bad I just got my haircut & of course she cut it too short & theres nothing to grab onto anymore.

I also have the fluid retention thing working for me.
See last week Doc said he wanted to try an "experiment" I figured that was his way of getting me to buy into taking this drug that I dont particularly like nor do I feel performs the way everyone says it should.

Then I had my clinic appt & after a day or so they called to check on me & I hadnt seen any change. The swelling comes & goes in severity but hasnt left this time. I'm abdominally bloated. It's all uncomfortable to the point of pain. Constant nagging pain.

I'm supposed to call in if I gain more than 2 lbs in a day or 5 lbs in a week. And I'm flirting with those numbers.

What to do. Cant miss this surgical procedure. So , suck it up for one more day & let the guru address the entire issue.

Originally I was prescribed 1mg of this new med a day. That has now gone to 2 mg twice a day & the clinic said I could get a 3rd dose in just keep the dosing 4-6 hrs apart.

Why arent I using the stuff from before? Was the dosing too high? Am I doing damage to myself with that drug? It seemed to work alot better.

I'm truly afraid I'm gonna have another hosp. stay to get the fluids off of me again. And thats a big fuckin needle. It's not alot of fun to have them stick you in the gut & suck out all the juice. Feels better a day or so later but the whole thing is like walls closing in on me.

Drug therapies not working. Next comes organ failures. I already dont have the memory or mental capacities due to lack of blood flow & thats a tough pill for me to swallow.

It's all supposed to reverse if I can get this lvad & my blood flow is back to normal but right now thats still a dream away.

I feel like I'm staring down a barrel of a gun.

Anyway, today I've had enough. I'm taking the anti-anxiety. I'm knocking my self out for the afternoon & eve. Nice shower first. Fresh jammies then I'm done. Not coping well today. Maybe that puts me in a good place for tomorrow & keeps my fluid intake down 2day. My 2nd doseages will just have to wait til this eve.

PEACE