Day of the tire

Friday afternoon. Rush hour. Now normally I get off early enough that I dont worry too much about getting caught in traffic. Friday I was praying for bumper to bumper. And here's why.


It's time to change the tires on the truck. I already drove one of them off the rim a couple weeks ago & still havent had the money to get it fixed. The other front tire is howing bad signs of wear. So much so that I'm praying on the way to work for safe passage. Please God grant me safe passage. I'm trying the best I can & I need your help & grace to see me through. Please just let me get there & back. So you be the judge if my prayer was answered.


I leave work between 2:30 & 3:00. Headed home down 400 S. Middle lane, 68 mph. The left front tire explodes. Or so I thought. 60 degrees out so the window is down & the tread comes off the tire & slings past me so close I felt the breeze. Missed my arm by inches & it flew up & past. Violent shaking. Instability. Cars at speed on both sides of me. BRAKES! I fight to keep it in the lane, hit the signal & bail for the shoulder. Whew! Stopped. Damnit! I'm 40 miles from home. Just south of Alpharetta & I'm going to Riverdale. SHIT!


I have no spare. It's on the right side already. What am I gonna do. I almost gave up & just sat down to cry. Wait a minute. That tire has air in it still. It only threw the tread cap. Wow! Thats impressive. I back up on the shoulder about 50 ft & hit the off ramp. Tire slapping the inner fender well the whole way. I felt like a NASCAR driver trying to make the pits without destroying the vehicle in the process. I drive, very slowly on this thing to a parking lot where I can break out some tools & really assess the damage. There's a huge chunk of loose rubber still attached. I have to get that removed. Every time the wheel rolls its slinging this hunk of tire carcass into the fender. Its an awful noise. And the truck shakes so bad @ 20 mph I can barely limp it around. Where's a Wal-Mart? They have cheap tires.


So I'm around Perimeter Mall. Surely theres something around here. I pull in at a strip mall & ask for directions. I actually asked 3 people. Surprisingly I got 3 different answers. So with no real sense of where I was headed I venture off again. Hazard lights flashing. Tire carcass slapping. It's so loud & violent that people walking the streets are turning around looking for the shooter a block before I can get to them. It was bad. A Marta Station. HEY! I could carry the bad tire home on the train & have someone pick me up on the south side. Naw. Don't panic Greg. Just figure it out.

A-HA!!! A freakin Wal-Mart. And I only had to drive about 6 miles to find it. I drive around back. Looking around the corner the whole way to see the auto center. And as I am hunched up on the steering wheel I can feel my frustration grow more the farther round back I get. This must be the only Wal-Mart SUPERcenter that I've ever seen that has NO auto center. Screwed again. Come on! Really? Yep. No tires. But while I'm here I'll look for something to hack this chunk of tire off. I find a cheap hack saw for $4 & go to work in the parking lot. 30 minutes later the hunk of rubber gets tossed into the bed. But the fender is a mess. It could be worse but it ain't good.


OK so now I guess lets find a tire place. I ask 3 people at Wal-mart & again get 3 different answers. But one of them sounded competent so I follow his advice. He was also the only guy to see me in the parking lot & asked if he could be of help. He commented on how blessed I was that nothing more serious happened & how amazing it was to see the tire was still inflated. Commented on my ingenuity & helped all he could. Or all I would allow. But it hit me. I was blessed here. I could of went careening across 3 lanes of interstate & left a path of destruction in my wake. I could be sitting on the side of the road with a flat 40 miles from home. Instead I'm talking with a man that helped me put some perspective & a smile back on my face. And I'm not so sure it wasn't God himself using this guy as His vessel. But I'm still stressed. And this is far from over.


So I'm off again and now the tire slapping has stopped. No more damage being done to the truck & this thing is actually, sorta, driveable. I drive slowly the 3/4 of a mile to the Goodyear store @ the mall. So Wal-Mart doesn't do  tires here but Macy's does??? I walk into the shop, fire off the tire size to the kid behind the counter who looks at me like I'm speaking Swahili. The manager asks if he can help. I tell him the story & that I need the cheapest tire he's got. 5 minutes later I'm given an estimate for $250. $400 if I buy 2. I don't have that kind of money available right now. Sad I know but true. Hey! No problem. I can FINANCE tires. WTF has this world come to when it's a regular thing for people to have to finance tires? Thanx but no thanx.


I make a call to a friend close to home & ask for some help. Call around locally & find me some USED tires. CHEAP! Please. And while you do that I'm just gonna limp this thing toward home til it gives out. Maybe that will be close enough to a bar so I have some place to drown my sorrows while the calvary mounts up.


It's now after 4pm. Traffic is in full swing. Bumper to Bumper. Well at least I dont have to worry about goiing too fast or drawing attention to myself. I'm creeping along, Thru the 285 interchange. Thru the toll booth. And now traffic lightens. So I'm off on the shoulder. About 20mph. Hazard lights flashing again. Passing cops on the shoulder. Ocassionally having to jump into a lane to get around other cars & debris that litters the shoulder. Don't run anything over or I'm stuck right here.


I cant go faster than about 42 or the shaking is so bad I can hardly control the wheel in my hands. Thank you God for power steering. Thru the 400/85 merge & straight into downtown Atlanta. 6 lanes wide of parking lot. Off goe the hazards & creeping along. 5 oclock comes & goes. Past I-20 now & headed home. I made it to the southside. 25 miles gone. 20 to go.


All of the sudden, as if I don't already literally have my hands full theres a HERO truck behind me. I'd stop for him but there's nothing he can do for me so if you could turn off those lights & take the attention off me that would be cool. I mean the damn thing isnt registered. I'm a rolling infraction several times over. As I get to the 75/85 split I realize I'm gonna have to cross 3 lanes of traffice to get to 75. Cars going past at 75mph. And theres just no way thats happening. So I guess its backroads. I bail off @ Langford Pkwy and figure I'll go around the airport to Riverdale Rd but I have no idea how to get there.


I get some directions by phone but its tough to decipher & I'm a stress bunny. My back is so tight I can feel the muscles constrict as I move. So its down the Pkwy past where I should have gone & wind up @ 285. FUCK!!! This is worse than 75. Really dangerous & if you didnt already know Atlanta drivers have to be some of the most poorly skilled, impatient, rude drivers I've ever seen. And I've driven all over. Foreign countries even & these people suck. If you've lived in Atlanta your whole life & think you drive well you're WRONG!!! And being as you have no basis of fact to base anything on don't argue withe me. You suck. Deal with it.


So I limp down 285. Make it to Old National. Onto the back roads to Riverdale Rd. More back roads & I can see home. I'd drive it home on the rim at this point. Ahhhh, my driveway. I left work @ 2:40. It's now 6:50.

Saturday morning I'm gonna take it up to the tire store. 2 used tires that I get to choose & the total mounted & balanced......80 bucks total. One thing about living in a poor neighborhood is you can get stuff cheap if you look hard enough. And now I still have enough to put gas in the truck for work & eat.


BUT, somewhere along the way I tore something up in the braking system. I have a leak & no pedal pressure. Fixed or not I'm driving it to work on Monday. I'd take the bike but it needs a front tire too. And thats one vehicle you dont want an explosive blow out @ 70 mph with.


Now, do I have the worst luck? Or am I blessed beyond belief? You could debate either side but to look at the corpse of a tire & know what I just went through to get to where I am I think I'll go with the blessing. What do you think? And YES! I drove home 40 miles on this.

Day of the Union

So it's the State of the Union. Did you watch? Did you hear the rebuttal? Did you see the Tea Party response? No?

Why the Hell not? I'm gonna enclose a link for you to check out the highlights. You can spend a few minutes checking it out & pursuing what interests you.


But this is my blog so I'll state my own opinion here. My page. My rules. My views. Thats how this started so why change now


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41231291/ns/politics-white_house/?GT1=43001
Make sure to scroll all the way down on this one to get some interesting facts.


http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2011/state.of.the.union/?hpt=T1



I find it amusing in an ironic sort of way that I'm talking politics. It's a sport for old men. I guess I'm becoming an elder.


I like what I hear in regards to finding new green energy sources. It's overdue. I fully support developing solar & alternative fuel power. I hear the Republican response to stop investing in foreign oil & to utilize America's resources but I don't hear them saying to get rid of oil. Oil is yesterday to me. We have to look toward the future or be found in the dust of those who would leave us behind.


I also fully support a heavy investment in both education & infrastructure. It boggles my mind how we of all countries have allowed our educational system to errode internally. And how are educators are not one of the most respected & compensated fields of employment. Our standards need to be higher. Our money needs to be focused on education.

 Additionally, the percentage of our infrastructure budget is a fraction of what it was 50 yrs ago. Yet, we have more of it. Anyone who owns a home knows if you do nothing to it after its built eventually it will fall apart on its own. Not only do you have to maintain a budget to keep it at its current standard but invest in its future well being. With a few improvements along the way. Money must be diverted to improve infrastructure. Our house is falling apart.


I also agreed with investing in communication & technology based businesses. If the internet is the future & we invented the internet & computer technologies then how do more S.Koreans have access to the net than Americans. How have the Chinese caught & passed us in some of these areas?


We are not utilizing our current strengths & I see Obama speaking to that tonight. That pleases me.


I'm gonna point a finger or two now. I think it's great that Congress did not sit seperated by party lines but intermingled with each other. I appreciate the carefully worded content by the Republican rebuttal but I still heard blame there. It irritates me that the evidence shows that these problems of ours have been in place, perpetuated even, for many years but staunch Republicans still try to point the finger at the Democrats. And take no responsibility for their own actions. The figures from 2000-2010 are staggering. And our leadership was not Democrat. So for all you Tea party members out there. I believe you attack to keep from having to explain & validate. Or compromise.


To me the Republican formal rebuttal seemed creepy from Rep. Paul Ryan. In a stepford wives/ automaton/ Big brother kinda way. He seemed so programmed. Kinda freaked me out. Especcially when he was talking about "less" government.  But there was some attempt to bridge the gap & make nice. I believe a better tack than previous years. And the Tea party response was creepy too. Hey!!! Bachman! What the hell are you looking at the whole time? The teleprompter? She's perky in an extremist sorta way. And to hear her cleverly worded retort. I felt a sense of dishonesty from her. A fake person. A choreographed soft shoe. Graphs & charts squarely placing blame. Buzz words in place of direction. Well worded rhetoric. Scary how good their writers are at incite, deflection & attack. Or maybe they aren't as good. I guess we'll see now that the house is Republican.


 But I do applaud the ideal the Tea party embraces regarding challenging & restructuring government. And to challenge the two party structure. At least in spirit. I want a goverment of, by, & for the people. Not of, by & for the corporation. Unfortunately thats where my biggest problem is with the Republican team & it's minor league affiliates. BTW, I consider myself an Independant. And believe that unless somebody's compensating you for your vote then you should be independant too. Apparently the Independants were the most negative about this speech overall.



I hear that people dont agree with Obama's policies but yet his approval rating is up. I hear people calling for him to be responsible regarding spending but also see the view of having to spend additional monies to identify & fix the problems before we again haphazardly cut across the board.



How does one, bureaucratically, remove bureaucracy?  Is that , by definition, impossible?


I don't believe that capitalism is the way life should be. Try this on for size. Do you consider yourself Christian? Religious? How about Spiritual? I should have targeted about 95% of you.

If money is the root of all evil then is captialism not evil incarnate? Where in the Almighty dollar is the truth, the way, the light?


I believe that the meek , shall indeed, inherit the Earth. I'm just not so sure of the condition it will be in when we finally get a hold of it.

what day? where?

So, I'm watching nothing. I was asleep actually. On the couch. Awakened by a dog that refuses to grasp the concept of bladder control until I sleep as long as I want.


Psshhhht! What's his deal?


Anyway, awakened to an infomercial. The Sleep Number Bed. Hmmmm, I'd bet that thing is more comfy than the couch. Well, I'm up now. I might as well look that thing up online. Open slides the back door. Dogs run outside & quickly lift a leg. I look up "The Sleep Number Bed!" Spoken in my best cheesy announcer voice. Starts at only $600.


 You've seen this. Right? The mattress that you control by adding or removing air to inflate it to the most comfortable setting for you? Cool huh?. And they even have the one with two controls for both sides of the bed. Wow! Even better I think.


Long pause, cigarette smoking. Cold air blows in with the dogs. And then it hits me. You want me to spend $1000 for an air mattress??? And then it hits me again! (slaps self in the forehead) (a little too hard) I've got an old aero bed & enough cushion. I counted by fives. My sleep number is 580.


OK So the plan today. Clean the house. The damn thing wont stay clean. And all I do is live here. I don't get it. May have a little side work on someone else's car. I do that from time to time. And I have a whole list of humdrum chores to be completed. I'd probably get more done if I turned on the radio instead of the TV & stepped away from the computer.


I have a dog that sheds & hardwood floors. I swept yesterday but as I look around (still in my morning daze) my floor is furry. If you or I lost that much hair we'd look like a pre-pubescent member of the Olympic swim team. And yet the dog doesnt look like he's dropped a strand. I've got dog hair tumbleweeds this morning. And I just swept this place!


I've got to quit masturbating. It's too difficult to do that, steer & open the bus door at the same time.


Oh quit your groaning. I get your kids to school on time every morning.


They're only late home when it's their turn to clean the windshield.

I stole that joke from Michael Kosta.

another same day. And the best I recall it went somethin like this.

SO I finished with 1981.

'82-'86 The school years.Now I debated on writing nothing about this time. It seems uneventful but then I start to see pieces. Fragments that were blocked or forgotten. I'll share a couple. But first let me set the stage a little.


I was very much a normal teenager. Normal being the subjective word here. I didnt think beyond sex, drugs & rock-n-roll. There was some angst, some rebellion. I pushed the envelope some. And my school chums recollections of me vary but I'm harder on & more critical of myself than anyone else. This was the time in my life when drugs entered for the first time. My sister had introduced me to pot in Missouri but it didnt really take. It was after the move that getting high & fitting in became the option I chose. It really is the easiest way. And teenagers do like the easy way out now dont we?


So I've got friends now. Dad is chasing this job & after we moved he left to work in another city & come home on the weekends. He had alot of reasons for doing this but when you look back on it he was trapped in a cycle of dysfunction too. It was easier to live the life he wanted while being away. I mean, think about it. Married with children but only on the weekends. Mon-Fri he could drink, drug, & womanize. He did alot of all of that & then some. This is the part of my life when Dad was the enemy and Mom seemed weak.


 Someone else's struggles to come to terms can often be viewed in any other light than the light of truth. Happens everyday to all of us. This was no exception. The rule I learned that I have carried is NEVER judge a book by it's cover. Unless you live it you can't judge it. People are flippant & it pisses me off. When do the masses search for enlightenment? Could we get to that time please? I'd be much happier. And so would they.


So it's a Friday night. Me & the boys are going to the Midnight movie. Rocky Horror I think. On the way we had drinks & drugs. We were primed & there were 5 of us packed into a VW bug. It was a testosterone filled party. We were having fun. I'm riding shotgun. The following scene will be remebered in slo-mo. Driving up the road, probably too fast, approaching a S turn. An overcorrection brings my attention forward & off the party in the back seat. Up on the 2 left wheels. Headlights. Steering correction brings the car back to 4 tires & then swings onto the 2 right sides. Herbie the love bug style. But with alot more panic. Darryl set the car of all four & hits the brakes. The car begins to skid. & slides around the car coming head on. Spins counterclockwise 270 degrees & reaches the edge of the embankment ass first. Down the hill. Rolling over from the left rear corner. 2 1/2 rolls til the bug rests on the drivers side. Stopped. Breath returns. We start to climb out. I can remember stepping on Darryl's head to get out. Not by accident but as more of a way of showing my disapproval.

We're all ok. We'd be sore tomorrow but right now we're good. The guys decide its a good idea to stand around the back of the car & have a post wreck smoke. Gas & fluids still spilling out. As a mechanic's son I know this aint a good idea. I scramble up the hill & walk to the edge of the roadway. And at that exact moment a girlfriend's sister & her boyfriend pull by. " Hey man, are you OK?" "Yeah. Hey can I get a ride?"  I'm out. They take me back to their place. Which is about 300 yds from my house. But I'd much rather have a little TLC in peace & quiet then go home.


I think it was about 2:30 am Maybe closer to 3. I'm passed out in her bed. Her sister comes in to wake us. My Dad is standing at the door. Uh, WHY? How did he know where I was? Did he hear about the wreck? Is he worried? Did he come to save me? Nope. Upon reaching the doorstep, sluggish, sore & just awakening, I'm grabbed by the throat & lifted thru the doorframe. " Get your ass in that car right now." I must be in trouble. Sorry. But wait.



I wasnt in trouble for failing to report an accident or alleviating my parents fears. He was oblivious. Blind drunk. I was in trouble because I hadnt swept the garage properly. Not that I hadnt swept it at all but it was done wrongly. Lifted out of a friends place by the throat by an enraged drunk because dust remained. I was overlorded while I swept the garage @ 3a.m. I did it without saying a word. It was better that way. When I had finished to pass the white glove test all I wanted was sleep & rest. Nah, He has plans for me. Have a seat on an old milk crate. Sit here til the sun comes up & he's had enough time to wax philosophical & come down. Around 6 or so I was released freom bondage. This scene repeated itself in one form or another for several years. I think I remember it so vividly now because of the accident. As I look back now I can see the pain & dysfunction he was in. At the time was confusion & an overwhelming desire to just be left alone.


 Girls were soft & pretty & smelled good. They couldnt possibly understand but they could comfort. I'll take advantage of that & perpetuate the dysfunction a little more. It took much later in life to have the realization that every action has a consequence. Not some, ALL. The most trivial decision you make today. Think about who it affects & in what way. Can you go that deep? It will boggle your mind. And when poor decisions are made an adverse reaction occurs to the point of the breakdown of life as we know it.


Again, path toward enlightenment. Keep an eye on the big picture at all times & realize that what you do today touches someone tomorrow. Even if that wasnt your intent.


So thats enough for awhile. I'll finish highschool later & we'll start to get into some more substantial fuck ups.

A new day; The timeline

I've been wanting to do this for awhile. I'm gonna make a timeline of me. I'm sure that here is probably gonna be full of bad things but I may work my way into some of the good stuff too.


August 17th, 1968- Born in Aurora, MO
no,no,no Wayne's World was in IL. This place is a sleepy community close to the Ozark mountain area. Just a hillbilly.

1972- Sometime in spring. Kansas City, MO- Walking on the brick ledge that lined the driveway. Mom had told me not to do it. This time she caught me. She yelled at me  not to but as she did my concentration was taken away from being a curious boy & I took a wrong step, fell off & cracked my head wide open. I still remember it like it just happened. The ride to the hospital & my first stitches. One of my earliest memories.


1973- We moved to St.Peters, MO This is the place & time I consider home. My childhood was filled with promise. This is also the year that the airline went on strike. I can remember shelves downstairs filled with food. Stockpiled, no name, generic food. I can still see the white labels with black writing on the cans of generic beer. And while I didnt know any difference then I see now that at that time we were struggling. Things got better.


1975- maybe '76- My first trip abroad. Munich Germany. It's amazing how something from so long ago can stay with you.  I still have some of the souvenirs from that trip as a boy.


1976- Bicentennial. Alot of things happened that year. Mostly all good. Football, Baseball, Hockey. First girlfriend. First kiss. The hows & whys of patriotism. I have friends on Facebook from that time in my life.
What you see in the movies as the perfect life. That's what I lived. The block parties. The close friends. Street hockey,(Car!, game on) snow forts & snowball fights with the whole neighborhood, bicycles with baseball cards in the spokes, full on tackle football. The bruises, the blood, the skinned knees. Everything about it was right out of Norman Rockwell if he was wearing a leisure suit. A truly great childhood.


1978- Blood. Lots & lots of blood. Dad had been helping the inept neighbor chop wood. The neighbor missed & caught Dad's hand. Almost took the pinkie completely off. Fear in my father's eyes. My first terror experience. He's coming in as I'm opening the door. Met with blood & the sight. I cant ever foget the scene.


1979- coming home from being out. Late afternoon. I hopped the back fence. Dinner would be on soon. Who is that in my backyard? There's a couple of them. Those are cops. Guns? I can see my father through his bedroom window. Naked from what I can see. A shotgun in his hands, between his knees, barrel pointed toward the sky. Lots of yelling. Cops tried to grab me. I ran around front. Cars scattered in the street. Lights flashing, Neighbors, Mom. Chaos. Whisked away. The story never to be heard of or spoken of again. But I remember.



1981- The game changes. Reagan, PATCO strike, Dad follows his job to Atlanta, GA. We had to move. Going from 7th to 8th grade in school. Old friends gone. New friends & life different. Foreign. Fighting to fit in. I can remember the first day of school. I still had bell bottoms & hiking boots. Those got laughed at here. It was straight legs & Pony sneakers. 2 fights the first day. Kids are cruel. Southerners werent the hospitable people I'd heard they were. I don't belong here. This is also the time I realized that drinking was a real issue in my home.

Now I'm caught in a flood of memories. A blur of flashes. I'll come back & do some more later.

Just a random post

Oh, what to write about? I really dont know. There are so many things & yet no inspiration or desire to expose myself.



And then there's the thought of writing it down & manifesting the bad things into reality. I mean, I do have a history of fucked up stuff.


I could write a last will. I probably should. But not right now.


I think my block in writing over the past few days has more to do with my internal struggle to write down the demon than anything else. So I'm gonna give you a peek behind the curtain. And try to hold that closet door closed at the same time.


August 24th, 1995. Where were you? What were you doing. I had been 27 yrs old for a week on that date.
I was back living with my parents. A blessing actually. Back home from another relationship/roommate incident. Working a decent job but no major career move. But there was a plan. We had just had a great meal. Big juicy hamburgers off the grill with all the fixins. Sauteed onions. Slab cut bacon. You know, the kind you make at home that when youre done putting it together you wonder how the hell youre gonna fit it in your mouth. But you manage dont ya? Yeah. That awesome burger.



After dinner I curled up to watch TV. Dad went to get ready to leave for work. He worked midnights @ TWA. He would leave a few minutes before 11. I, on the other hand, could feel the indigestion coming on.
But it was a little different than your normal heartburn.



 I re-live this in my head alot. I know every nuance. I can't make it stop. It's nothing I want to keep. Eventually I hope to write it all down as it happened but it's terrifying to live through again & again. So I'll quit with the flowery.


On August 24th, 1995 I hade a massive heart attack. I've never been the same person. I never will be. And that part isn't all bad. But I literally live with pain & suffering to this day. And lately I have been feeling bad. I'm alone & it's scary. No insurance. No money. No one.

The shortness of breath. The vision starting to tunnel to dark. The fear. The Reaper. The physical strength I'll never have again. Why? How come? That might be a better posed question. In a grammatically challenged kinda way. I would never wish the experience on anyone ever.

And it's going to be my death.


I need to go to the Dr. I've thought about going to the hospital. I don't know what the right move is. Sounds strange right? I'm frozen. Caught in the headlights. I'm just erroding. I don't know why. Tortured by pain, regularly. But the torment is worse. "And I can't get myself to go away."

The quote is from Matchbox 20's "Longday" Go check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3leiVLew_vI

But I'll try the embed code on here & learn from my mistakes.


So I'm claiming the song as one of many that I lay claim to. I'll even give you one more. It's for Mom. As I sat on the couch at home (Mom's house) after my Mother died earlier that day, I heard this song on the radio. Now I know it wasnt written for this. But it struck me. I've never cried so hard for so long. I had it already recorded but  it just hit me in that moment. I had to keep playing it over & over. Almost as a prayer to Mom. It's "Movies" by Alien Ant Farm. Sounds weird I know but just give it a listen.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T8l9FL88gw


I hope you never hear these two songs the same way again.
I'm out. How's that for your morning coffee?

Day 11 Today was a good day

So its the long weekend and my how things have changed. Its Sunday afternoon and the football game is on.I should be farther ahead on my house cleaning & laundry but I'm just not. Try as I might I will never be described as a domestic goddess.


So let me tell you about my weekend. Friday I took a co-worker to the airport. Sat in traffic with someone that I really didnt know for about 1 1/2 hrs. Not bad but I would have rathered taken care of other things. So I'm a little behind. Saturday I had things that should have been done but after a decnt nights rest And the thermometer on the way up I took off toward a friends on the bike. Yeah I had to bundle up & the roads still had small patches of ice pack but it was worth it.

See I've been talking to a girl. Kinda has me all'o flutter. Somes aspects are a little scary & maybe not right on the bullseye but that's ok. I like the feeling. I think I'll enjoy it awhile.


So I went out on the bike. My communing with nature time. The bright radiant sun opposed by the chill of 45 degree  ambient temps at speed touching any exposed skin or light layers. The ole' girl likes the chill though. You can tell by the crack of the pipes & the feeling of her pulling against the reins a bit. She wants to run & so I twist my hand til the tears come from the wind getting in.. Long stretch of sunlit pavement. No oncoming traffic. No roads leading in as far as I can see. I'm at 100 before you get to 50 in that cage. Damn its cold now. But what a rush. I click thru 4th into 5th & kick back awhile. Hi God! How am I doin'? I'm trying. Best I can. What would you have me do?

Silence except for Bleu. That bitch is a screamer. Losing my tail pipe awhile back doesnt keep her any quieter. Just enjoying my place in this day & what He will allow me to see & be apart of.I think of Ice Cube. "Today was a good day."


On my way home I'm in the most treacherous part of the road. Way icy. Narrow ruts to ride thru. I had marked it in my head on the way out but it's on me again. I brake & the car in front of me swerves. And then I see it. Can I get stopped in time? Van behind me. Too close behind. Easy on the front binders. Then down thru 4th, 3rd, clutch, 2nd, On the fronts & rears. Easy on the ice. Clutch release. Pull it in one more time & slide toward the right of the lane. Van goes by. And there sits a well groomed black female shih tzu. I pull of onto the side road. Step off the bike & cll the dog. She comes to me. She is lost. You can tell. Wearing a collar with no tag & dragging a leash. I walk with her til she starts to head home & then its back to the bike. I cant leave it where its sitting, running. AS I throw a leg across I catch a blur. She's back out on the main road. I'm not sure how I got ther but I got between the car & the dog. All of us live to tell the tale. Whew. I couldn't let her die. And she was going to if I didnt intervene. I found the dogs owner & not a second too soon or she was coming home with me. I saved a life. Yeah ok so it was a dog but still. God was there. He made it happen. He gave me the choice to make. I chose the right path. And thats the part that feels so good.. Hate to see a lady in distress. Sorry to kiss & run. " Yeah, Today was a good day."



Now I 've got lots more to tell but I wanted to share that one on its own. But there is one thing I want you to remember. Y'know that big burly guy in the leather you shy away from. That guy with the loud pipes Drowning out your already too loud radio. That scruffy looking dude that you judge at the traffic light. Well today that guy just saved your dog's life. Would you have stopped in your car. Would you have walked the subdivision for a few minutes because the visual in your head was a crying little girl that just lost her puppy. Or would you have just missed her & kept on driving like so many around me did? I choose different things. I am different from you. Not better. Not worse. Don't judge my leather. Read the pins of the charities I helped worn with pride. Don't honk at me to get out of your way. Show me the respect I show you that you never even acknowledge. I rode my bike today. I became one with my surroundings. Pulse matching the V-twin roar. I did a good thing. I saved a life & re-connected family members.


Promise me this. When you see my dog in the street stop please. Either one of them may lead you to me. I may be in need of help. But the closeness you will feel toward your Higher power for doing what was jsut the right thing is the most powerful feeling you may ever have. Yep. Today was a good day.

Day 8 What happened to common sense & logic

I awoke early this morning. Refreshed but up way too early. While watching the morning news I saw a story about GA's civil rights leaders upset because a couple of counties have decided to use MLK Jr. day as a snow make up day.Upset may be too light a term.



Surely we can do better. Surely we have bigger issues to tackle. Has the snow affected our brains that much? My first & immediate thought was what would MLK want us to do? My belief is upon seeing the condition of his home state he would want the children educated. It's just another day.


 And what better way to honor the man then to come together as a group. Maybe a short pep rally or an extended homeroom to honor the man would curtail the vigor in which these civil rights leaders protest. Which is better for civil rights? To spend the day at home playing Xbox or to be educated. When the question is poised that way the answer seems easy.

What I havent seen at all this week is theses same civil rights leaders protesting the conditions of our roadways or the fact that the bus lines aren't running. And we all know who predominantly rides public transit now don't we. But, not a peep on that issue.


The direction of our values seem to be iced over. What's really important seems to be melting away. I recall an old saying which says to pick your battles. On the surface this could seem as if these leaders are fighting to preserve our current way of life & honor tradition. But when our way of life is worse than our parents & some of those traditions are to blame shouldn't we re-evaluate? See, I don't judge a man by the color of his skin but by the content of his character. And these characters should take some time to think what is best for the youth of today. The leaders of tomorrow. The first step is indeed a quality education. And we can make a difference with every day. Or we could take the day off & bitch about the banks being closed. What do you want for your children?

Day 7 Therapy sucks

NO!!! This blog site sucks. After more than an hour of typing & pouring out my soul onto a page the site is "not responding" I just lost everything. And let me tell you it was the best thing ever written in the history of man. Clear, concise, eloquent, poetic, funny & heart wrenching all at the same time. Award winning shit to be sure & you will never see it. Lost forever which has some irony considering how I feel most of the time. Not misunderstood. Incapable of being understood because it's gone. Forever lost.
It may not be as good as before but I will try.
Therapy sucks for a number of reasons. First, as you go through the motions & make some revelations you progress. Progress is a good thing right? As you enter these transitional phases you leave a part of you behind. You no longer know who you think you are. You instead stand on the cliff of the unknown. You are changing. Change can be scary. And so, not only do you live with the pain but also add in a new shot of fear.
Nope. I tried. Not happening. The muse is no longer upon me. Frustration has set in. The setting sun is bright in my face. Unable to see the keyboard. Not able to move my computer. Time to stop.

It did it again. And my time here is about done. Maybe it's God's way of telling me.....Dude!!! You can't publish that shit. People will call the authorities.

Oh I'm so distraught. I need someone to talk to. Someone to tell my secrets. To let in again. An overwhelming need to be vulnerable. And thats where I come to the realization that I have truly lost my freakin mind.
This post is scattered today.It was much more focused earlier & I was making progress. Apparently progress will have to wait for another time.

Day 6. Slip sliding away

Oh what a day. Computer problems @ home. Driving problems to work today. But I had an idea. I thought I'd write it here so it's published. Dont steal it or I'll sue your ass. LOL



So the roads in Atl are atrocious. Piss poor planning. And now they're sub-contracting road cleaning from construction companies. How much is that costing? And who has profitted? Well the heads of major corporations thats who. Well I had an idea. Gimme some feedback on this & try & stay with me.



First, ask for corporate sponsorship for future road cleanings in winter weather. Why? Well if the roads are clear then the employees get to work & lost days are a thing of the past. Why would they do that Greg? To improve their bottom line of course but also because it wont really cost them anything. How you ask? By purchasing act of God riders on insurance policies. Thats how. So by buying a policy to cover their expenses if we have more than a couple inches of snow or a qtr inch of ice. They cover the cost of sponsorship. You following along? The fat cats in their corporate hi-rises dont lose a penny. The roads are cleared in an acceptable fashion & time frame & the only ones who pay are the insurance companies but because they invest the premiuims first & this only happens every few years then literally no one loses.



Now thats the thought I had. Can it be done? Yeah I think so but further research would have to be done. If youre in the insurance industry or an executive for a major corp. then tell me what you think. BUt this is dated so unless you have a publication of a similar idea dated a day earlier then dont be taking my idea. lmao.



And then when we have a snow storm in the future the salt trucks would say stay back 200 feet. DO NOT PASS. Instead relax, Have a Coke & a smile. Is this brilliant or do I need to up my doseage?

Day 5 Snow day 2

ok. so I'm home again today. Ice has the highways completely shut down. And only now on the news has anyone made a comment about how much money the city is losing because of the lack of ability to service the roadways. I'm so glad our leaders & reporters are on top of things. I'd hate to think they were dense & short-sighted.
Its so bad that police officers are walking down the highways with hammers & shovels chipping out the tires of vehicles that have sat in one place for so long they have frozen to the interstate. So glad to see our tax dollars at work so efficiently. REALLY? walking truck to truck? Apparently the truckers that have had to sit overnight are pissed & theyre starting to let it show. But of course none of that will be shown. Because the southerners are doing the best they can. REALLY? Youre gonna use the "I'm a southerner so I dont know any better" defense? I guess it would be different if we lived in a society where we were able to beam pertinent information thru the airwaves, to space & back in the blink of an eye, to ask for assistance from areas of the country that deal with this on a much more regualr basis.
My prediction? Next will be the lack of ability to get to medical care. People will die because we only have 45 trucks in the entire metro area to service thousands of miles of roadways.You cant get to the hospitals. The ambulances cant get to you. Doesnt any of this piss you off?
I will say this. GA power got a phone call from me yesterday to inform them I had a power outage. Within 30 minutes a truck was on-scene. Power restored within an hour &1/2. Kudos.
But then there are the countless number of idiots. YEP I said it. IDIOTS who leave the house with 1/8 a tank of gas, run dry in traffic & abandon there vehicles in the middle of the damn road & just walk away. Where I come from when you came back your car would be plowed over or pushed off the road by a snowplow into a ditch. Here? theyre calling in a tow truck to gingerly move you to the side of the road. Wouldnt want to ding soccer mom's Beemer now would we? Doesnt matter that while you are performing that maneuver 30 others ran out of gas. Not to mention the thousands stuck in icy gridlock.
Nope I'll stay home today & try not to fall off my holier than thou soap box
What happened to common sense? Is it no longer politically correct?

Day 4. Frustration a familiar friend

And so after a morning of writng about my frustrations about life, work, love, the snow storm & everything else under the sun my power goes out. It was only out about an hour but in the process I lost everything I had written. AARRGGGGJHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAkes me wanna.......Well, you figure it out. Is this God's way of telling me something? Is there such a thing as a run of bad luck? Cuz I dont remember having an opposing run of good luck. Or does that come after I'm able to survive the bad?

Should I start again?

Now alot of you dont know that I've had a couple near death experiences. I'm sure youve heard stories about people who have had them. Well let me tell you something. It changes you. For the better in alot of ways. The little things that most people take for granted are what I live to see everyday. Those humdrum things you never pay attention to are what keeps me going. I have a finer appreciation for things. And am infinitely more patient & calm. Plus I dont just go through the motions too much anymore. Now I do still have to make a conscious effort with alot of things but not always. I'm just different now. More zen-like if you will. For awhile I've been seeking a path to enlightenment. That brought me closer. Does that make me better? Nah. But I do wish I could give what I have received to all of you. Just without having to go thru the experience. I wouldnt wish that part on anyone.

But weird things happen too. Kids and animals are attracted to me. Birds come close when I sit in my rocking chair. Wind seems to sing. Trees seem to wave as I pass by rather than just swaying in the breeze. I'm highly in tune with my body. I feel everything. I can anticipate actions & reactions. Its just weird. But mostly in an enjoyable way.

Of course there are bad things too. I FEEL everything. That causes anxiety. I'm highly emotional.I'm lonely even when with people. I feel different. Like people cant understand. Most have shown they dont. My impending sense of mortality never leaves. I know I could go at any moment of any day. Thats scary. Like now. Right now. I have a constant fear of death which causes me seperation from others. I didnt get married or have children in large part to the fact I didnt want to leave them or hurt them with my passing. The irony? I've been like this for 15 yrs. Any child I wouldve had would be close to adulthood. And by statistical standards I would be on at least my 2nd marriage. LOL

Besides the women & the family this has been my greatest source of pain & suffering. It torments me on a daily basis. Can you put yourself in my shoes? Youre on the outside looking in. What would you do? Any suggestions? Here's my fear. I will make my fear become my reality. Just as I have with so many other things. Yet its inside me with no way out. You cant escape your own shadow kinda thing.

Is it creeping you out? Cuz it  makes my skin crawl. Yet another reason why I crave love & affection. Vicious circle. No way on. No way off. Thnk I'll take a break now. Gotta get myself in a different place. MAybe I'll come back later with some comedy or a hot, torrid escapade. For now, I'm gonna have a drink & curl up in a ball for awhile. I escape with sleep. But sometimes even tht is no escape. Sometimes the dreams come. Violent enough to shoot me straight out of bed. It never ends. But the end is what I fear. Which would you choose?

Day 3 part deux. Let's talk about sex ,baby.

SEX!!! Oh I got your attention now don't I? Well before I become a Harlequin romance novel I'm gonna talk about some heartbreak & some scientific aspects. 

One of my dysfunctions in life has been to equate sex as love. The more sex I get the more it means that someone loves me. Right? Wrong!

My belief is one night stands & short lived relationships based on sex are just two dysfunctional ships passing in the night. But that wasnt always the case. I have had alot of women. And alot of women have had me. In my earliest days I consciously knew of ,& used, sex as a tool of learning. What makes her tick? What feels good. If it felt good to that one will it feel good to this one? What techniques are most effective. Who is that little man in the boat & how can I get him to row my way? G-spot? Is there an A thru F? Do you know what the G stands for? I do.

So I studied. Personal experiments, book study, therapy. HEY!!! I could be good at this. And so it began. Kama Sutra? Tantra? No orgasms. Controlled orgasms. Multiple orgasms. Orifice? Which orifice? Step right up & spin the wheel. All became of interest. And for the most part here is my conclusion after a lifetime of study. Sex is mechanical. It can be incorporated into the cerebral but the actual act of getting off is mechanical. Shocking & ground breaking revelations I know.

For guys it's as easy as the instructions on a shampoo bottle. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Which, by the way, if you follow the instructions on a shampoo bottle properly & to the letter then one bottle of shampoo is good for one shower. Think about it.

Women are more like a medicine bottle. You know the one's that are "child-proof". You try to force the damn thing open but the best way is to slow down & use your mind in conjunction with the muscles. Then the cap comes off easily. Now what was all that previous frustration for? This is one time when it is in a man's best interests to read the fucking instructions or ask for fucking directions. Literally.

Now let's get to the good stuff. I cant figure out if I should start from the most recent & work back or the first & work forward. I think the latter is more reader friendly. Plus the last significant woman is gonna fill up more than one chapter for sure.

My first girlfriend ever was Julie Albert. 2nd grade. Now I did get into trouble when I was 4 for disrobing the neighbor girl under the swingset but I only mention it to allow you to see that my obsession with the opposite sex has been there for as long as I can remember. Girls never had cooties for me until much later in life & Julie well she was the first real kiss. Recess. Again at the swingset. And theres another swingset incident but it was later in life & it's X-rated so I'll save that one for just me. But to answer the question in your mind. Yes you can but it takes some doing. Anyway, Julie was the first of many to kiss. I don't remember why we broke up but I do remember being slapped in the face. Training for later.

Now between grade school & high school I learned alot but nothing significant happened so I'll jump forward. My first real experience with the lies told in a relationship started with Donna P. She was a hottie & I really liked her. Alot. We took our time & I sincerely comitted to her even though prior to that committment I played around alot. She eventually left me for another. But she lied about it. Why can't people just be honest about their feelings or lack thereof? Anyone who's ever been cheated on wonders the same thing I'm sure.

After Donna I slept around alot. Some of you know that about me. Developed quite the reputation during school. But we did have fun didnt we? At least when I wasnt scamming other guys girlfriends & screwing them in the back seats of cars. I'd like to say that I feel shame over some of those actions but thats just not the case. It happened. I'm not proud of the guy I was but I was that guy. 

The next significant woman was Kelly B. I was 17. She was 24. She actually worked with my mother & rented a room from my folks. Thanx mom. A live in girlfriend. For Me? How did you know thats what I wanted? Lovemaking took on a whole new perspective. And this was the first woman I was prepared to marry. Fresh out of high school & too young for an adult woman this was destined for failure but we spent a couple great years together. And the lessons learned are still used to this day. But there were too many drugs involved & she left me for someone that could fund her rock-n-roll lifestyle. It just so happened that this particular guy turned out to be bat shit crazy. Like he believed little green men made mountains. No kidding. What a blow to my ego. What kind of loser must I be to lose out to a guy like that? Never mind the drug fueled mentality that she had to make that decision. I put it all on me. Whats wrong with me? What did I do? What didnt I do? Why? Why? Why?

While Kelly only gets a paragraph here she screwed up my head but good. Years it took to forget & forgive. If I'm to be honest I still carry some scars from Kelly. But she got hers. During some sort of episode I heard thru the grapevine that he beat her badly & threw her out on the lawn with nothing. Years later during a visit I called her. Just to catch up. She never spoke a word. Too freaked out by my call I guess. Her loss. But during this particular episode I had moved back to St.Louis & met another. I messed her up & for that I am truly sorry. She's next.

Stephanie M.was her name. And this time I was the older one. But I didnt properly handle the previous break-up & she eventually paid the price. In the end she hurt me too but if I am to be honest then at least some of it I brought on myself. It began at my place of work. And it began very passionately. Now that I look back on it alot of our relationship was based on sex. But damn if that part wasnt good. It was one of those incredibly hot fires that cant last but puts off amazing heat while it burns. Crazy stuff. Public stuff. Whats the craziest place? Describe your wildest time. She's the girl. The good times were really good but the bad times were really bad. Here's the story. At least the part that hurts. 

Something in me had not yet healed from Kelly. Now I know alot hadn't healed. Or been dealt with in a healthy manner but little in my life was healthy. After a couple of years of being together I knew I loved her but not the way that I should. Something was gnawing at me. Like a dog & a bone. Chewing away & it left me restless. During a trip back to Atlanta I took Steph with me. I had the chance to meet with Kelly. I needed some closure. Truth is I was torn & wanted to re-kindle in some fantastical way. That was never going to happen so lets just find out what happened & why. For my own sanity.



I left Steph @ my sisters place where I found out later she was crushed & in tears. Had I known maybe I wouldve reacted differently. But I didnt & I'm sure she carried a grudge & a resentment that would later manifest itself in some awful behaviors designed to pay me back. I tried to explain my actions at the time but it didnt seem to register with her. She was still young & had not experienced affairs of the heart like this. And then there were the drugs. There was always the drugs. Trying to kill it all away. The memories would cloud but never disappear.



 We were on again off again for awhile but it was ruined. And I have to take some, if not all, of the responsibilty for that part. I'm sorry Stephanie. You didnt deserve that. I was screwed up & while that is no excuse it is the reason & I apologize. I hope you havent carried that demon as I have carried mine. That thought keeps me up at night sometimes. What did I do? How could I ? But in truth I have forgiven myself for that part. And this is why.

After we broke up I seduced a few girls. Broke the code again. Don't date or have sex with the current or ex-girlfrined of someone in your inner circle. It's amazing I didnt get my ass kicked more. I deserved it.

Karma. It is a bitch. One night at work I get a phone call from one of my closest friends. The thought of it now still makes me sick to my stomach. He called to relieve himself of his guilt. He had just slept with Stephanie. Surely her attempt to hurt me as I did her. It worked. It still hurts. You called me at work? It couldnt wait? So glad you feel better. I clocked out early. I clocked out of more than just work. She won but that wasnt good enough for her. A few months later I left for college.

College is a great time. Parties, women, drugs. Class? I'm supposed to go to class? I don't have time for that. I'm way too busy getting high & screwing my life up for class. 

On a trip home from school I got a phone call from A guy I went to junior high with. Steve was an intimidating guy in jr.high. Big & intimidating. A real bad ass if you can be such a thing at 13. He was now with Steph & apparently her honor was to be defended. I was a bit scared. Not gonna lie. When the actual confrontation took place & we met face to face he hadnt grown an inch since he was 13. Now I'm not a big guy but I had 3-4 inches & 30 lbs on him. At the point of contact he realized that maybe a mistake was made. I mean I did show up for the challenge after all & the intimidator was me this time. I let him go & scoffed at her attempt to again cause me pain. The adult on this one. The bigger man. Literally & figuratively. Privately I was in alot of pain. She had already stuck the knife in once. Now she was trying to twist it. I wouldnt let her this time but she wasnt finished yet.

Back at college I received a package. A stack of love notes from Stephanie to a friend of mine & his return letters. Wrapped neatly in a pair of panties I had bought for her. OK I'm mentally fucked at this point. On a trip home I was invited to a Halloween party at a friends hunting cabin. Middle of nowhere. Cooler full of homemade drink. Big bag of weed & his sis ran a fireworks stand so we had a trunk full of explosives. What more do you need?

I'm on the roof shooting off roman candles when up drives Stephanie & this former friend. Drunk as I was I jumped off the roof & confronted him. Backed him around the cabin towards the bon fire & proceeded to beat him with a burning stick. Later I dismantled his car & drained the oil in the parking lot of his apartment. And yet still did not feel better. Ok maybe a little. That was some devious shit you pulled. You deserved your ass beating & I'd do it again.

After that I occasionally saw Stephanie. We even did the ex sex thing. But there was always the history. And at this point if we werent trying to make each other feel good we were trying to sabotage each other. Very destructive. And it did indeed scar me. Years went by. No significant girlfriends. None that need talking about. I always wondered why my relationships would only progress to a certain point. Now you have an idea as to why too. 

Next is Charlene. Now if you think Stephanie was evil just wait til you meet Charlene. And the worst part is I still have love for them all. How bass-ackwards is that? But she will have to wait for another time. There are other stories to tell before I get to her. And after this writing my strength is gone. My emotions raw. Try as I might I cant get into my head enough to show you the true picture but I think you get the drift.

Here's what I have learned about relationships. Honor is very important. So is honesty. I've heard the term brutally honest used. There is no such thing. There is honesty & there is cruelty. If you cannot control your own words then youre not being honest with yourself about your feelings. Therefore you cant truly be honest with another. It's empirically important to be honest with yourself first before you can ever get to that point with another. Before you point that finger at me take a good look at the three pointing back at you.

I'm in a different place now in my life then I was then. I'm ready, finally, for a truly loving relationship. Sometimes I think its too late. What a shame if that were true. I'm ready to be the man for a loving healthy woman. What a waste it would be to let all the things I've learned fall by the wayside. But I remain hopeful even after all of this. And you havent heard the worst of it yet. Somewhere out there is the woman for me. She's experienced pain & loss. She's learned her life lessons & is ready to treat a man the way he should be treated. And she will accept nothing but my very best. In turn she's willing to give me her all. Her everything. I pray for that woman to hurry up & get here. I deserve her. And she deserves me.

Day 3 So I skipped yesterday. Sue me.

Its been an interesting couple of days over this weekend. Responses in regards to this blog. New friendships already taking root because of this thing I created. Or, more appropriately, was created through me. While I do have my own personal motivations it has been pointed out to me that writing in a place that is open to the public does have it's responsibilities. So be it. But I will not temper. I will not sugar coat. My life hasnt been sugar-coated & neither will its reflection. Not for you? Change the damn channel. I'll repeat an excerpt from day one. This is for me.


I've contemplted what I would talk about today. It has me stuck. Theres alot to get to. Should I start where I left off with my family? Maybe. That stuff has got to come out. Should I talk about my health? Eventually I must, but if I write it down then it's permanent & I'm not ready for those consequences yet. Strong as I may, or may not, be some things I am scared of. And thats the biggee. It's not going anywhere anytime soon. I'll procrastinate on that one for awhile. Maybe I should write a little humorous tid bit or two. Quote someone famous or a movie I like. And yet no muse is upon me.


But I do have this to say. Thank You. To those that have commented in private. To those that have helped along my journey with this. In the few short days since this began I have received lovely comments. For that I am humbled & honored. But what you will see & hear over the next few weeks will cause you to stir. Force you  to question. Tug at your heart strings and alter your perceptions. I'd apologize but it wouldnt be sincere. I'm not sorry. I've tried in earnest to be the fixer. The people pleaser. To be the glue that held it together. It's the co-dependant in me. It either went unnoticed or unappreciated. In some cases used against me. And so I'll swing to the other side. Not really by choice but more out of necessity. So If I come across gruff, angry & unfriendly here it's because I have no other outlet. Would you rather I kept it in til I snapped? Didnt think so. If you judge me by the words here then you don't know me. And if you judge at all then I don't want to know you.

I find that music has been the one constant for me. I was a DJ for awhile. I lightly studied music & it's theories. That side isnt my thing. The engineering aspect suits me more. From a very young age I was the guy in the concert T-shirt. The one that spent hours alone making mix tapes & listening. Always listening to the sounds that make up our world. Someone once said that music is the soundtrack to our lives. Corny? Eh, maybe. But I believe truer words were never spoken. Lyrics from another seem to fit in so many instances & I will quote popular music her often.Sometimes others speak what I feel better than I can. A verse has stuck in my head for days now. I'm going to rid myself of it here today. It's by Trent Reznor. Nine Inch Nails. Remade by Johnny Cash shortly before his own death. It's called Hurt.


 " I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.
Focused on the pain. The only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole. That old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything.
What have I become? My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know, goes away in the end."


What I find is that when you strip away the music the lyrics themselves often carry much more punch. Why? Probably because your mind has only the written word to concentrate on. For me lyrical content often penetrates much deeper when I read it than when I'm singing along in the car. Hopefully it's the same for you & it makes a difference. But it's ok if it doesn't.

 I'm gonna take a break for awhile. Come back more focused. The thing is as I begin to feel the therapeutic effects of this blog I find that what I want is to write, constantly. But without direction it's just rambling and doesnt serve the purpose for which it is intended. So I'll temper myself & keep these ramblings to a minimum.


My advice for today is tell someone you love them. If you have no one close then it doesnt matter who. Want a good laugh? While in line at the store just tell the person in front of you that you love them & watch the reaction. Their perception of your sanity is not, necessarily, your reality.


Peace.

Day 2 part 2. Journaling???

I thought as the evening winds down I would spend a little time relieving myself of some of the things I have carried for far too long. It may or may not be enjoyable reading but as I said before this is for me. I just happen to be willing to share. So if you don't like it then go away.
I'm going to start from some early memories. Most of which are bad. Why? I'm not bitching, whining or complaining. I am releasing. I'm going to re-live these moments (hopefully for the last time) & analyze them as an adult rather than experiencing them as a child. Make sense? Let's get started.
I'm going to start @ age 9 & my Grandfather. I was an athlete as a child. A good one if I do say so myself. And as a kid I had dreams of becoming a pro football player. My grandpa played college ball & apparently was being scouted for the pros. This was when they had no facemasks. A different time. A different world. But his father forced him to give up his dreams & instead become a dentist. Anyway, while on a vacation to my grandparents home I expressed my childhood desire & was promptly informed that I wouldn't ever be a pro ball player. I would never be good enough. I would never amount to much of anything because of who my father was. He came from the wrong side of the tracks in my G-pa's opinion & wasnt good enough for him or his daughter. Because I was his seed I was destined to be a loser too. Now I am paraphrasing but only slightly.
 I forgot to mention that I am the only male on that side of the family. I was always treated as the black sheep. Even before I was old enough to know what that was or to have done anything to deserve that monicker. Later as a rebellious teen I welcomed the label. By 13 or 14 I hated that man & did so til the day he died. Good riddance. What an awful feeling for me to have.
 I'm long past the guilt of having that feeling as a child but it scarred me. But let's take another look. What kind of man dashes a child's hopes & dreams while simultaneously verbally shredding his father in the same sentence? I'll never know his motivation nor do I care anymore really. What I know is I did nothing to deserve it. And what a shell of a man to direct his anger toward a defenseless, impressionable child. Not really a man at all. Just a bitter immature act from a drunk that always portrayed himself as having something or being someone. And he did so at the peril of his wife & own security. He lost everyhting trying to keep up appearances. So much so that several years later, hat in hand, asked my mother who in turn asked my father for a place to live for he & my grandmother.
My father welcomed him into our home. Why? because my "loser" of a father had a heart. Loved his wife & would do anything to see her happy. Well, kinda. Another story in there for sure.
To finish off Grandpa let's finish the top stories. Holidays with multiple generations of alcoholics is always a good time. If you're not related to them that is. If you happen to be then it's hell with bows & lights. And alcohol. Lots of alcohol. The stories of Xmas & Thanxgiving with them span every year but I have blocked out or forgotten alot. But I do remember the last one. After moving to GA  my g-parents came down for Xmas. G=pa got drunk & didn't like something. Anything could have triggered him. This time escapes me as to exactly why but it's not important. So after getting drunk & angry he decided to leave...in the car. G-ma tried to stop him by keeping the keys but he physically seperated her from them & in the process struck both my mother & my sister as well as his own wife. Tough guy.
As he walked out the door I yelled to him "I hope you know you've made everyone very happy. Merry Christmas!" Just the fuel he needed to attack me. Well bring it on fat man. Finally my chance. 14-15 yrs old. Not yet a man but close enough to take on an old fat guy thats hammered. As he strode across the room to get to his insubordinate grandson I smiled. Cocky teenager. And he was about to get the ass kicking of his life. He swung once. I blocked it. He swung again. Same hand. Big mistake. As I dodged the second feeble attempt I was already raring back to release all the hate & pain & frustration I had in me toward him. And then it happened. My soon to be brother-in law grabbed me from behind. hooking my clenched fist in his own arm & preventing me from hitting the old guy.
 To this day I am conflicted. On some days I would give anything to be able to release my pent up aggression toward this asshole & just clock that miserable fucker one good time. On other days I thank my brother in law for stopping me. See, what isnt painted in this picture yet is he was standing with his back to a staircase. Had I connected with all the fury that was in me I would've knocked him thru the cheap railing to a fall of 10-15 ft. straight down. Maybe killed him. Which would be worse? to have to live with my anger & bitterness or the guilt of killing G-pa on Xmas. Neither is good but one would've been worse than the other.
As it was he left. Only to get lost in a strange town with no way of contacting anyone. After several hours he found his way & returned a shell. Broken, crying, feeble from the experience. Did I rub it in? You bet your ass I did. 15 yr old punk kid full of rage at his target. You're damn right I did. Karma is a bitch you cantankerous, miserable fuck. Gotta love that holiday spirit. When quality time is spent with those you love & memories are made that last a lifetime. Each year around the holidays I think of my G-parents. None of those rememberances are ever pleasant. We'll save Grandma for another time but she ain't no prize herself. She still walks the earth. 92 yrs old. I havent seen or spoken to her in years. Don't care to ever see her again. She knows why even if she has a hard time admitting it to herself.
But I promised myself to release & not retain so let's try this on instead. I forgive you Grandpa. For you know not what you have done. The pattern dies with you. I refuse to perpetuate the dysfunction anymore. The things in your youth formed the man you became as they did with me. Did you deserve them? Probably no more than I did. But I will not let them, or you, dictate any longer. Goodbye to you.

Day 2 trying again with today's headlines

Today's headlines: Atlanta,GA; Criminal mastermind robs wing shack & gas station next door to each other. Now that is a ballsy move. But this super genius forgot one small detail. Don't commit felony armed robbery from the back of a taxi. That's right. He took a cab to the target & afterward the driver took him to his home. After several hours & tear gas canisters the police finally arrested him barricaded in his own attic. Brilliant!

 And now that we've all had our astonished chuckle I'd like for you to look at this from a different perspective. What made this man commit this crime & how should he be punished? Times are hard. As hard as it has ever been. Great Depression hard. Would you re-consider throwing him under the jail if you knew he did it to feed his children? How about to keep the heat on. Not to buy drugs or a pattern of behavior but because it had become so difficult to provide what most of you take for granted. Food & shelter. Would he then be worthy of mercy? What if he were a veteran? I'm not saying walk away scott free. I'm saying to have those extenuating circumstances taken into account & find this guy an opportunity to repay society in other ways beside incarceration. Would you be open to that?

Here's my point. Most "criminals" in jail for an extended period of time are not there for violent crimes. Trust me I know. Most are there for drugs & most of those are minor possession charges. In fact, most people in jail are regular people who have fallen on hard times. Does it sound like I'm soft on crime? Well I'm not. But I do believe that the laws are written to expedite the court process and in that process alot of people (most with court appointed attys) are sentenced just as if they had commited violent crime. Don't believe that? Go sit in court for one day & watch. Then come talk to me.

 I think the better idea is to have this man repay what was stolen by working it off & simultaneously provide him with the help & resources he needs to find a job. In the process you create jobs to assist the public. Guess what? the unemployment figures that are so high do NOT include the people in jails. So, in fact, there are much more than 10% unemployed. But if the government gave that figure then people would be devastated to know the real figure of people unemployed in this country is closer to 20% of the total population. That figure approaches 50 MILLION people in this country. BUT, the prisoners have food & shelter. Did the lightbulb go on yet?

 How about this? You become unemployed. The fact is that for every 10k in salary you expect to receive you must look for a job for 4 months. Most well-off people who handle their money correctly should have 6 mos. to a year of income in savings. Do you? So if I'm underprivileged living paycheck to paycheck & become unemployed I must immediately find a job that doesn't exist. When that doesn't happen then I have a few options. Some of which most of us believe we wouldn't even consider but those of us that do have never been truly without. Argue all you want about what you would do but when the time comes you will do whatever you have to to feed those babies & yourself. Here's the catch you would actually be better cared for in prison than on the street. Food, shelter, medical & dental. All taken care of. What must you do to receive such benefits free from the government? That's easy. Armed robbery should get you taken care of for quite some time. How's that for a different perspective?

Next Headline; London, England: A distraught girl with over 1400 friends on FB posts her own suicide note & attempt. Instead of her "friends" lending a helping hand or supportive ear they argue online about how wrong she is or what a drama queen she was. They have an online attack/debate but no one...NO ONE lends a hand. She was found dead the following morning. No one came to her aid. Instead they chastised & mocked. It was a subject which the masses talked & argued about for hours online yet still no one came or called.

  Don't ask yourself what would I have done. The answers are all the same & you dont really know til it's upon you. Don't ask yourself what kind of friend am I or what kinds of friends do I have. Instead ask yourself HOW can I be a friend today, tomorrow & the rest of your days. There are people out there that need you. That need someone, anyone, to break the cycle. There are some on my friends list that would jump at the chance to be of assistance to a total stranger. And some that bury their head in the sand & wish away the problems.

 From a personal perspective, I have been in both places. I have been on the brink. I have been without  food & heat while being evicted. I have considered death as a viable alternative. And let me tell you something. Strangers helped more than any of my so called friends. Not all of you knew of my trials & tribulations. Some did. Some were there as much as possible & I will defend them til the day I die for there compassion. Some of you passed judgment & left me to rot. I forgive you. I will not forget. And if & when the tables are turned maybe I will help you. Then again, maybe I'll wait til you're face down in the mud & step on your neck. Some who I consider friends were not aware. I couldn't bring myself to ask for assistance. That's on me not anyone else. But,lose everything and then try to admit that & swallow your pride to ask for assistance. It's hard to do. To admit failure & need. But the response I got when I finally reached the edge & cried uncle was less than inspirational. I found myself judged privately & publically. And apparently found undeserving.

 EVERYONE is deserving of compassion. Can you empathize? Do you? I mean really detach yourself from your life & for one brief moment place yourself in someone else's shoes. Can you avoid judgment of another and just feel what they feel? Without the thought of this is what they should do or that is the way they should handle the crisis. Next time someone is in need maybe you become the hero for no other reason than you were observant enough to realize someone's cry for help. And then ACTED on it. Next time maybe you don't feel disdain for the man on the street corner with the sign for help but instead pull over & talk to the guy before just tossing him the $0.18 you had in your pocket. Next time maybe it's you with the sign, crying for help. Now, should I pass judgment or the fucking potatoes?

Day 1 exploring the unknown.

So, I'm taking a trip into the unknown. We all are. Everyday. But this, this is for me & those who choose to follow.
Maybe I'll make a friend or two along the way but that's not what this is about. It's about releasing the inner demons onto a page. Journal? When it's all said & done maybe too much. But I'm gonna try this & see how it fits.
So many thoughts creep in during any given day. Some happy, some sad, but all carry more weight than I can handle so I'll lay them down here & keep progressing on my path.
I suppose some history is in order. And I promise to get to all of that but to actually write it all down now is too monumentous a task for one undertaking. So I'll move at my own pace. And if it's not fast enough then maybe you should move to another lane & go on by. Please use your turn signal & watch out for bikers. We're people too.
Let's start from the beginning. And I will try to simplify & paraphrase as much as possible with this part. " I was born a poor black child." No....Wait! That's Steve Martin.
I was a kid once. Still hold onto those values that were taught & idealisms that were developed on their own. I am an idealist. To a fault. Sometimes I think all the ideals my parents wanted to preserve were passed onto their youngest child & unfortunately they stuck.
Spent my youngest days in Missouri & still consider it home. Currently reside in Georgia & can't wait to get the hell outta here. This state is so ass-backwards its not even funny. Did you know that GA. is second only to NY in the amount of prisoners held in custody? Now why do you think that is? The laws here are a joke. Manipulated by the "good-ole boy network". Within the past few years it seems to have gotten worse. Cookie cutter politicians with no real motivation to help the public. Some of the worst unemployment in the country. Which only mirrors the condition of the school system. But I digress.
I've been fortunate in my youth. Too much so I think. I've traveled the world. No. Not everywhere but you get the point. And now for some truth. Painful as it might be. Born & raised by 2 dysfunctional parents. And so dysfunction has been in my life forever....until about a year ago. That part comes later.
 Connie & Ronnie. My folks. I do so love them. They are missed with every breath I take. Mom passed in 2007. July 8th. Her 63rd birthday. Due to complications from cancer. No more pain Mom. And I would've given everything I am not to see her suffer in her final months. But I'd also never take away the time I spent nurse-maiding her the way she did for me all those years. I honor my mother's final wishes with a vengeance that only she & I will ever know. That burden can be heavy at times but is my sworn duty & I will not fail you. Even when those that are close to me don't understand my motivations. Promises made will be promises kept til the day I die.
Dad? Well, Dad was a guy that could make friends with anyone. He became my best friend after my teen years & a couple stints in rehab. And my hero on more than one occassion. Not many can say that their father was their best friend. I can. I do & I will. He too died in 2007. Four months after Mom. Died of a broken heart that masked itself as a massive stroke in his sleep. Just a couple days after the last time I saw him @ Thanksgiving. I would have gladly been there for him in his final hours but that just wasnt his style. Dad was John Wayne, Steve McQueen, The absent minded professor, & Austin Coil rolled up into one. I will never know a better mechanic or a better friend. And neither will you.
Reminscing for me now is an undertaking in futility. That path goes but one direction & it is straight to the hell that has become my own mind. Looking back is painful. As painful as the moments themselves. I seem to be trapped in them whenever the thoughts flash. In public they're masked with a smile but privately they bring me to tears, as they do now, every single time. Even the happiest of moments. So I'm ripping off the rear view mirror as much as I can & not looking back if I can avoid it. Easier said than done. I will honor my parents to my own demise if called for. Can you understand that devotion? Will you sacrifice for the memory of? It is the only way I know now.
And we haven't yet begun on the extended family or the women in my life. But those stories can wait for another day. Another time. I didn't realize how taxing a few paragraphs could be. And I'll have to work on holding back. If I'm gonna do this then I may as well just spill it all. Eventually I will point that bright light of interrogation on myself. For now, I'm going through this as it unfolds before me. Maybe I'll get something out of the truth as I've seen it . Maybe you will too.Bob Marley wrote in his song " No woman, No cry"- " In this great future, you can't forget your past." I can never forget. In some cases I still can't forgive. But I'm trying the best I can.