I used to know a guy. Couldnt forget him if I wanted to. Today is his Birthday

Let me introduce you to a friend of mine. Some folks knew him as James Ronald Miller. Those folks were usually the givers & the takers. Some folks knew him as Ronnie. Sometimes Uncle Ronnie. Some others still, knew him as J.R. And at that point if you werent on the inside then you had at least been welcomed into the fray.

Me? I knew him as Dad. And those that came after called him Paw Paw.
He would be 67 today

My Dad has been alot of things to alot of people. Born into a family of 5 older brothers. He may have been the baby but times were hard & he worked the land just like everybody else in that clan. He grew up a poor Missouri dirt farmer in the rocky hills of the Ozarks & one of the last great things he did before passing was to dine with a Chinese Admiral at his residence in Tokyo. Now it don't matter where you come from or how you got there. That's a helluva jump right there.

I'm gonna share some rememberances of my father. Let you in on the guy I used to know.

Now if you didnt already know this about me I was raised by a mechanic. An exceptionally good mechanic. And from the time Mom would let me in a garage I was the hold the light get me a wrench, no not that one, the other one boy.  But Dad just called me git-wood. Sometimes my sister calls me that to this day.

Dad & I worked on quite a few cars together. Him being an airline mechanic, highly trained & proud of his craft. I, being the molded into his light.....no, damnit. hold the light there. mechanic,son, prodigy. I learned all that from him. I can fix just about anything. Thanx Dad.

About these cars I was talking about. As I & he grew as a team we chose a direction off the beaten path. He had been studying the properties of turbines for 30 yrs & I was becoming a big fan on forced induction. Thats car talk ladies.

Turbocharging was still fledgling at this point. And we put twin turbos on a V8 Ford. 351C to be exact. And stuffed that into a 1970 Maverick. 3100 lbs with me in it.

The Day of the Turbo


We had literally worked for months in our spare time. The technology alone was enough to keep your nose stuffed in whatever you could find to read for a week at a time. It was challenging. And there were failures along the way that caused extensive re-working. But today is the day. Today its buttoned up for the last time. Today we get to see what its got.

Dad takes it out and drives like an old man does. I think he was about 45 or so. We cruise slowly thru town. Make a left onto the highway. Heading west on hwy 70. Next exit, 6 miles. Monitoring gauges, registering the feel of a new machine in the seat of your pants. Everything you've been over at least 3 times during a rebuild & it's brand new. You can feel the engine wants to run very smoothly & cleanly. It acts like a normal car. Very quiet. But theres some rumble. And it kinda tweets at ya thru these mufflers. Down the road we cruise. 50, 60, 65, vac. press. is at 0. almost as peak performance as you can get. It got 22 mpg if you could keep your foot out of it. A tractor trailer in front of us. Paced at 70. Stepped on the gas & this amazing little whistle comes upon you. The turbos turning 60k rpm & past the semi in a blink. More like a hop. Pretty cool. Down the road to the exit. Spin around at the Flying J. Check it all out & I'm in for the drive home.

Sitting at the top of the on-ramp. All systems check. Slow roll to about 25. Hard acceleration but smooth and its at 75 before I run out of lane. Lots of room in the pedal & the tach. And its steady pulling. I'm stabilized in the road. Good light. Empty in both directions as far as I can see. The pedal hits the floor thru high gear. It's a freakin missile. The grin, on my face, is the story that he told about this ride. A great accomplishment for the both of us. He would've called this story "The Grin" He was proud that day And so was I. We were proud of each other..

FIRE!!!


A few months after the unveiling we were trying some new things getting ready for a drag race coming up. We had been playing with fuel system stuff & were taking it out for testing. Close to home, Nothing major.

It coughed & bucked & the damn thing just wasnt right. Tweak here. tinker ther. Try again. We pull over again to make another tweak. Dad pulls the float bowl screw, dumps fuel onto a hot manifold & whoosh.


FIRE!!!

Uh, we're in the middle of nowhere. I run towards a house that we pulled over at. Theres a pump well & a full bucket. 5 gal worth. I RUN carrying a 5 gal bucket of water toward my car. I cant see much of dad but he's there. The fire had melted the fuel pump wires together & the car was pumping raw fuel onto itself. Feeding the fire. Dad stayed in it til he got the wires pulled loose. 5 gal later & a hvy duty extinguisher from a neighbor & it was out.

A few hundred dolars & some thrashing & we'd be ready for the drags. Inevitably on this one we figured out too late that the fire had melted a small piece of the distributor & it wouldnt do the thing til we got her fixed the following week. Bummer. But during that all day thrash we got to within a second of where it should have been & shaved 5 seconds off its first pass of the day. It wasnt right & we both knew it but we busted our asses all day in the hot sun. Perfect teamwork. Father & son shit. A bad day at the races is still a pretty good day with the right company.





The Splash


I had gotten a new rod & reel for Xmas. We were fishing in early March. It was kinda cold. Me on the rear deck. Mom in the middle, Dad in the front. It was his boat & all. "One man's junk" He had built this boat from a 16 ft V bottom hull that had been caved in from a tree falling on it in a Missouri tornado to the point that it was now a functional bass boat in Georgia. I was about 15. We're in a quiet little cove I'm hosing down my plastic with the original greasy assed Fish Formula. It got on my hands.The instant I realeased the cast I saw the rod & reel combo leave my hand. And I went after it.

The way dad told this story went something like this.

"Aw, I don't know what the hell happened." One minute we're calm in the water & the next the boat is leaning forward & then rocks back & almost knocked me outta my damn chair" And when I came up, Ther was a huge splash & Gregory was gone."

I dove off that boat arms wide open, full spread belly flop. I wrapped my arms together around the rod as the reel was pulling it to the bottom. But I got it. I break through the water with my parents looking at me in one of the more strange ways that they ever looked at me with. But I got it. Quickly it begins to dawn on everyone involved as to what just transpired & the laughing started. But I got it.

Dad asked later why I went in. I said cuz I knew how much that thing cost & Dad woulda killed me. He just laughed at me.

Now remember I said it was cold?  So I get dragged toward the bank & now must strip in the wood line. to get some warm clothes. But we dont really have any. We got some rain suits though. So I'm about naked now while Mom goes to digging in the compartment under the drvivers bench And comes up with a rain suit & without even thinking she hands it toward me. I look at it & say" Mom! That damn suit is clear"

Eventuall we found a brown one to cover my droopy drawered naked ass. I can't remember another time we laughed so hard or so long. Just me with my folks. "Yeah." Dad said. "Just a big fuckin' splash & you was gone."

Hockey???

I was makin some money. Following in the footsteps. For his Birthday I'm gonna take him out. Just him & me. Dinner, drinks, take in a Blues game. Thats the St. Louis hockey team if you dont know. We get settled in the cheaper seats of the old barn. Beer, Pretzel. It's all good. After the game gets started Dad says to me, Of all the damn sports how'd you pick hockey? It was the one sport he knew nothing about. Maybe that was why. Dunno really. But I was the coach & he was the student & it was great. During the game in walked a couple of nuns & sat down right in fornt of us. They werent there at the start of the game. It is a Catholic town. Hmmm, different. A fight on the ice breaks out & the guy across the aisle Screams out, "Kill the bastard!" And then immediately realizes his faux pas & says "I'm sorry sister" To which she replies " Thats OK I think they should be hittin the sonsofbitches more anyway." The whole section fell out laughing & my dad says while chuckling. "Hey! This is cool."

A few years later. He saw another hockey game with me. He had always been my coach growing up. Today he watched his son coach a Varsity High School hockey game.

A couple weeks after that I came to work after my weekend & brought with me the State Championship trophy into work. I took it back to my Dad's office & went to my duties. Around break I went back to his office & found him sitting with his back to me, one hand on my trophy. Kicked back in his chair. I've seen that big grin before. When he saw me he says, " So you won it huh?" "Yep dad, sure did.""Well damn son! Thats really something."" Yeah dad, I think so." "Hey guys." as he springs from his seat. "Look at this, My boy is the head coach of the State champiuon high school hockey team." "Thanks" to the guys But my dad was proud. Almost as if he won it. He did. He did it through me. And what I taught came at least partially from him.
 I'm glad to have been a part of it. And I'm glad my Dad got to experience that too. It was a neat thing to have as a grown man with his father.

 

The day I got the news my father passed is now a blur for the most part. I'm sitting in an empty home. A couple days after Thaksgiving. This was the first holiday alone for all of us. My sister had lost her husband. Died in Feb. My Dad had lost his Wife, my mom, in Jul. I lost my mother in law to be in Aug, & my fiancee left in Sep.. We were together & we had a good time but we were distant & alone. Constant shell shock. Like living thru a frosted piece of glass. A dream world. It's all going on around you but you're not really there.

Anyway, just home from that by a couple days & sitting in an empty home my doorbell rings & the door is being banged on & I leap from my nest & open the door to have my nephew collapse in my arms. Sobbing.

It takes several tries before I can understand the words. Grandpa's dead. What?!? A Ga. state patrol car had stopped at my sisters & she wasnt there. Neither was my nephew. But my 12 yr old niece was. Alone & this cop gave her the info that her Grandfather had died. And you wonder why I don't like cops.

She relayed it to him & he drove to me. I called & confirmed everything & then I had to call my sister. One of the tougher things I've ever had to do. Apparently he died in his sleep & when the guys at work couldnt get him on the phone they came lookin'.

The rest of the evening is drug induced, alcohol fueled, surrealism to the point of blackout.

I made it through the day. I had one little crack but made it through the day. Once I started the drive home in my dad's old truck & got thru the toll booth the tears streamed the rest of the way home.

I miss you dad. Happy Birthday. I'll always try to make you proud.

a judgement day

So I only have a few minutes but I wanted to get something out. While I started this blog as a way to get some of the bed stuff out of me & onto a page I also knew that I could use this as a social experiment of sorts. And yesterday that manifested itself.

See I believe that by talking thru the internet you lose alot in the translation. One must be extra careful in one's wording & tone to be fully understood. I think we've all had the experience of being taken out of context due to the inability to be seen & heard in a real world kinda way.

Well through a series of FB commentes I ran into a "friend" that passed judgment. It was subtle & non-chalant but there just the same.

Let me put this as delicately as I can. FUCK YOU!!! You don't know me. You only think you do. You havent walked in my shoes cuz I only have one pair & I would know.

Apparently this person/these people believe it easy to take a few snipets of text & form a complete picture of another human being. Shame on you. This also happened to a friend of mine. Must've been something in the water or the moon's cycle yesterday or someone passed out the stupid pills or something.

What most people here dont know about me is that when face to face you may never know or think anything was wrong. I'm "quick with a joke or a light of your smoke"

Bottom line is it's offensive. And whats worse is you can actually watch the degradation of society in it. Who are you to judge? Who are any of us to judge? It's one thing to form an opinion based on a lot of information. It's something entirely different to judge & toss to the side because you dont feel another worthy to be in your life or to experience your presence.

I won't tell you who it was. I won't tell you what was said. I wouldnt dare to dignify it by giving it breath & life. But it's happened to us all @ one point or another. And it's just wrong.

Compassion is one of the beautiful things in this world in my opinion. Try & work on your own today please. Don't judge. Question. Try to understnad. Try to mentor. And if you cant do that then maybe I'm not the one with the problems. Maybe it's you.

Incomplete thought & blog but I gotta go.

Peace

SUN Day

It's Sunday morning. I'm up too early because of the dogs. I'm also up angry. Some days are like that here. I just read some emails & comments. Apparently my stories are having some effect on folks. I can't ask for any more. And I have yet to receive one bad comment since beginning this project. Thats cool too. But that may change at any time & today could be the day.


It's Sunday. A time for worship? NO. That would be Saturday. Saturday is the seventh day. Saturday is the day of rest & worship. And I'm about to get started so be prepared to get pissed off.

Look at your calendars. Which day does the week start with? Thats right. Sunday. And God said let there be light. And there was light. And that light was the Sun. And thats why its called SUNday. And so Sunday is day one. NOT day seven. Now from this point I could go all rogue on you with science vs. theological rhetoric but my point is not to alienate. My point is to make you think. To make you question. Not to question your own beliefs but rather to question those that came before you & what they preach as religious law.

I know ALOT of people that would be considered religious. Some of them are going to read this blog. Why don't you practice what is preached? Thats hypocrisy. It could also be considered blasphemous. You don't practice the book as its written. For a moment we'll leave the Old Testament behind & ask simply Why don't you practice the word of Jesus as it's been put before you? It angers me.

 I'm not Jewish. I'm Christian if you have to put a label on me. But the truth is I'm a seeker & I dont beliueve any world religion has it spot on. But there are common threads through most all world religions & its those threads that I base my beliefs on.

Hypocrisy drives me nuts. Especially when I find I'm the hypocrite but let me get back to my point. If you, as a Christian, believe then why don't you follow your own doctrines? I see the vanity at my local church. It's in an abandoned strip mall & yet the people arrive in droves, dressed to the nines. Why? Christ wore tattered robes & sandals ( when he had shoes). And yet here they are, preening, comparing, JUDGING. I show up in jeans & a t-shirt. A minority in more than one way. If sandals were good enough for Jesus then they're good enough for me. And they are more than good enough for you.

 I see the advertisement on the board outside. The pastor pictured in his best suit. He looks like a used car salesman & one I don't think I'd buy from. I wonder how long before I'm asked for money. Bono once said "My God isn't short of cash mister." Well my God doesnt need cash at all. Never has. Never will. But to tithe is a good thing. Not for the betterment of the church but for the betterment of the congregation & community. To be charitable is good. I can't remember where in the Bible it says to pay your preacher for preaching. I don't believe that my pastor should be the wealthiest man in the room. At least not monetarily. If churches are not for profit then why are you driving a car that most in your congregation could never afford? Why do you wear a thousand dollar suit in a town riddled with poverty?  The message could be awesome but I don't hear it. All I hear is hypocrisy. It's one thing to preach it. Most anyone can do that. It's another to live it. Jesus' church was the ground He walked upon.

It's not like I'm suggesting you be Christ-like. That is too much for anyone to ask of anyone else. But I am suggesting that you try. When you cut me off in traffic. When you cheat, lie & steal.( Oh yes you do)  When you covet the beautiful body that crosses your path. When you lust after the neighbor's new car. When you spew venom towards another behind their back. When you lose sight of the big picture & get lost in your own worldly pursuits. You have lost touch with what you claim to be your cornerstone of belief. And the worst part? You are oblivious to it. It never dawns on you that you have broken the covenants set before you.

I didnt ask you to believe. But I insist that if youre going to claim yourself a Christian then ACT like it. I see our society as a self absorbed teenager. One that throws a tantrun when they dont receive immediate gratification. One that shuns responsibility so they may do as they wish. One that interperets the perceived word of God in their own favor because it's too difficult to actually do it the way it's been set forth. Well folks, that's hypocrisy.

Now, like I said, I didnt ask you to believe. Frankly I don't think alot of you really do. It's a convenient social climbing step. But you wouldnt call yourself a professional ball player because you played catch on the weekend. Why do you call yourself a follower of Christ if you don't really follow along?

I hope youre pissed at me. I hope you question & comment. I hope that while you point that finger at me you take a long look at the three pointing back at you. And then I hope (& pray) that you take an honest look at where you've strayed & make an effort to right the ship.

Too many people are trying to lead. Trying to take whats laid before them & decide whats best for someone else. But to be a good leader you must first be a good follower. Too many skip that part. No perceived glory or authority in following. My father would call that too many Chiefs & not enough indians. I call it the refusal to look inside one's self & fix those problems before you judge those of another.

Maybe I'm being too judgmental. Maybe thats my hypocrisy. Or maybe I was directed to write this. And you were drawn to read it. Either way the thought has been put forth. It's in print. And like another text I'm thinking of you're allowed to take it out of context & twist it's meaning. You may also cross it with other opinions & make holidays out of it if you choose. You probably shouldn't but you will anyway. Or you could take it as it's worded. Not to question the meaning but just to follow. Isn't that what Faith is all about?

I do love this song. It makes me smile & cry at the same time. Take the time. LISTEN. Let it pull you. direct you. Change you.

And I got one more just to lighten it up. Hope it makes you smile. Puts some perspective on things. And know that I love you. I truly have love for you all.

V-day done

So I thought I'd share a story with you all. It's a sweet story. One of love & hope & promise. Maybe we'll finish it off as living happily ever after. Then again it is my story so probably not.

I wanted to share the story of my engagement night. Maybe it will set the bar a little higher for some of your expectations. Maybe not.

Oh, Valentine's. The best or worst of all possible holidays depending on your relationship status....and your attitude.

Now at this point I've done all the work. The planning & shopping & all that is done. I'm just gonna take you on my date that night. OK? You dressed & ready? Great! Let's go.

It's Saturday. Feb. 12th. The year doesnt matter anymore. We're going to our favorite little Italian joint. It's got a chef that trained under Mario Batali & they know us by name. But tonight is special. As we walk into the back dining room, off to one side, is a table with a vase with two dozen roses. Red & white. Theyre for you. Uh...her but you're following along.

Every head in the place turns to watch who's being treated so royally. And she is beaming. Some are surely wondering who the slave boy is with her. That'd be me. But I have secrets in store & I can see the love in her eyes. Let's have a drink. Bottle of wine or something different? I already knew the answer. They had popped the cork when I walked in. Along with the wine comes a gift. Nothing too crazy. We have a long night ahead. We'll order an appetizer. I already did that. The menu is set but she does have 3 choices for an entree so I wasnt a dick about it.

The appetizer comes. And with it, another gift. "More song! More wine!" We order an entree & she almost cant contain her excitement. What's next? Another gift? Of course. And then dessert. I'd share the gifts but use your imagination here. I had lots of stuff. Gift bags. Big boxes. Little boxes. Pretty things. Silky things. Little shiny things. We know how you like those.

I was in love. What can I say. Its who I am. It's who I aspire to be. But by the end of the meal most of the men in the room had just been schooled & they werent real happy with me. The women on the other hand were gushing. And I liked the attention. So did she.

So dessert comes. It was on fire. Good stuff. And another gift. Now I already told you this was an engagement date. The night I popped the question. So what do you think the dessert gift was?  Bzzzzzz. Nope. Wrong answer. We finished our meal & paid the check. Love is expensive. But worth every penny.


So on the way out, helping her with her coat, I ask if she just wants to go home or maybe an after dinner drink somewhere. She chose the latter. Good girl. Off we drive. No I'm not telling you where. You'll just have to wait. Downtown we go. And end up at the sundial. Thats the rotating lounge on top of the Westin. a.k.a. Peachtree Plaza.

We settle, have a few drinks. And a couple more. I gotta get rid of this lump in my throat. I'm about to take a giant step here. The place is crowded. So much so that a young couple has joined us. Seating was limited. But its a lounge so have a seat. Watch & learn young man.


I stand. She looks at me. I act is if I'm excusing myself and she lets me pass. But it's only to get more room. Any of you that know me know that I have a voice that, to put gently, carries. I start by saying that I'm having a great time. And that I love you. She blushes. I have no problem in the spotlight. She doesnt like to draw attention. Not to mention she knows that given the chance I'll embarass us both. But not this time.

I express how nice the place is & that I'm afraid of heights. But this is also the closest I may ever come to standing on top of the world & exclaiming my love for you. She reaches up to grab my hand & pull me down. So not to embarass her & as she does I drop all the way to one knee. Flip out the ring I've been playing with in my pocket for most of the evening & say. I love you. I never want to spend another day with anyone else. Will you marry me?


I found out later that I did, in fact, take her totally by surprise. She, like maybe you< thought it would come with all the other gifts at dinner if it was going to happen at all. Hey, I thought of that. I got this covered.

She did say yes. The crowd erupts with applause & congratulations. But not one person there bought us a drink or came by to shake a hand or see the ring. Just a little note. If you witness such an act. Show some class. By them a drink. Shake the man's hand. Tell the woman she looks beautiful & congrtulate her. What happened to old school values? Eh, whatever.


We stayed until closing. I dont know that I've ever seen a woman so happy with me. I dont know that I've ever been so happy or proud of myself. It was truly glorious.


We've since parted. Never fulfilling the promise. It's alot of why I am who I am today. But that night. That brief moment will stay with me til the day I leave this earth. And maybe it will stay with her & with you too.

We don't know what will happen. Tomorrow is not promised. But to seize the day, on that day will stay on the trophy case of my mind forever. Not to mention that may have been the best elevator ride down in the history of mankind. But that kids is another story.

Love generously. Give wholly. Share what you have & drink deep the times that are special to you. They may only come once in a lifetime. And you owe it to yourself to allow yourself to feel that deeply. I do love to be in love.

I hope you get a better picture of me in comparison to some of the other things written here. And I'm again proud. Proud that I put this down in print. Proud of the man that I am. And proud that I can still look back on this & know if I knew what was going to happen, I would do it all again.

 What can I say. I was in love. I hope I get to do it all over again someday. She may have left. But my love is mine. I get to share it in the grandest or simplest of ways. She took alot when she went away but she could never take that away from me.

My love to you.  Happy Valentine's day. 
Peace.

Valentine's day

Or as some have called it. Singles awareness day. Now thats just S.A.D.

I had a rough weekend. I helped a friend do some painting. No big deal but I havent been feeling well lately. Thats always has me concerned due to my heart ailment. So a steady, ever increasing level of anxiety showed up. Stayed almost all weekend. But then that same friend gave me an atavan,low dose, and that has me feeling like a new man this morning.

But damn am I outta shape. Still sore across the center of my back & shoulder area. But I didnt die so thats a good thing. Right? So I get through the weekend only to find that I'm right in the middle of commercial LOVE day. Fuck'em. I don't believe in it. Saturday was the anniversary of my engagement. I think I'll remember that day forever. I only wanted to do it once so I went all out. The kind of proposal you read & dream about. But the bitch is gone now so whats the point? Bitter? You bet your ass I am. I try not to be. I've trieed the whole forgiveness thing for my own sake. Didnt take. And if I'm to be totally honest there's a part of me thats still very much in love. And that ruins it for anyone else trying to get in. Sorry honey, the doors locked, barred & rigged with explosives. There is currently no entry into my heart. Who suffers? Well I do, of course. Vicious cycle that drags me down when I should be on my way up. Its a heavy load to carry on my way to the mountain top.


So, with a tear, I celebrate the love you have, or that you believe you have. I do love to be in love. I am the romantic. But, not today. I'll keep my head down & try to avoid the fodder. I'll also try not to think of days gone by when I welcomed this day. Should be easy enough. Once I get involved with work & such this will long be an afterthought. It's the times alone when I'll be a mess later tonight. But I'm gonna love me. When I get home after rush hour on my bike I'm going to make myself a meal that most would be very proud to have. I'm gonna soak in a hot tub. I said my back still hurts. And I'm going to think a little while on what else I have planned for myself. When I satrt to think of days gonbe by I'm gonna stomp on my own foot & write down plans for the future. That could be depressing enough but I'd rather be depressed in the here & now or in the future than wallow in the past. She left. She's gone. She's never coming back & I'm never gonna get an inkling of an explanation why she did any of it.


Maybe later I'll write down some of the stuff I have done for Valentines but for now I'm just gonna leave it here & be thankful I still have me to love along with my puppies who are MY family & my friends who seem to be coming out of a winters slumber that has taken years. I'm still here! I'm a little older & a little more sad but I'm still here. Where the fuck have you been? You "friends" that bailed when times got tough. Yeah I see you. When the world fell apart & you stood on the sidelines cuz you didnt want to choose a side or "get involved" I fucking see you. Fickle sonsofbitches. I'M STILL HERE! And only God can judge me. Y'know what? I think he kinda likes me. And maybe more importantly, I like me too.

I'll share my love today. Same as I do everyday. It's not a commercial holiday to me. It's alot more & I try to behave that way all the time. I dont need a calendar to remind me to have love in my heart or to share it with others. And if you do then maybe youre the one who's S.A.D.

Peace

no snow day

Yeah I said I would didnt I?

No snow. Well not enough to cause any problems. Still, its top story on the news. And I guess the thing that bugs me about it is that the people on the air seem to have no clue how this snow thing works. Not like its brain surgery. Just a little frozen rain is all. But we're talking about all these scientific things this a.m.


Funny. At least to me. It's like someone deathly afraid of spiders. EEEK!!! Snow! But now they're starting to understand that by this afternoon all of this precip will be history. And thats a major weather incident. Silly.


But it is pretty outside my back door. I got the big flaked sticky stuff here last night & its covered the braches & stuff to provide a backdrop for the critters that are moving about doing their morning hustle.

I dont have alot to say this a.m. I'm not looking forward to work. They've been kind of messing with us in that be a good corporate employee kind of way. I resent that shit. I've seen first hand how corporate America behaves & I dont trust them for anything. But the suits that still believe are trying to go Rah-Rah on us minions & its insulting. Plus if the bosses knew how quick corporate would cut them for the sake of the bottom line they might have a different view. But it is a means to an end. I do have a plan & so far its working so I'll stay with it


A story on Sunday alcohol sales. Really??? Fucking hypocrites. Do you know how many states still have Sunday blue laws? 3 Yep just 3 & I'm in one of them. Now I'm not a big drinker. Never really have been. It's the mentality that enrages me. The thinking is so antiquated. Who are you to legislate my morality?

You can have extra-marital affairs. You can have all kinds of sex scandals, embezzlement, wire-tapping, misappropriations of funds, assault, rape, murder, & mayhem but you dont think its a good idea for me to be able to buy a beer on Sunday because it goes against your interpretation of what my Christian values should entail.


The thing that really gets me is that the native Georgians seem to be almost brainwashed to it while the people that I know that have been outside this state seem to see it for what its worth. Almost like theyve grown up with it this way so why change? Whats the difference? Don't fix whats not perceived to be broken. I gotta get out of this state. And quite frankly, Colorado is looking better all the time.

A little more than a month before I can transfer. Or at least start the process. Of course things would probably be ok here if I could make a decent living. But thats a rant for another time.


You kids bundle up now. Its cold outside. Flirting with freezing temps this a.m. so be prepared. It's only gonna be in the 40's today.

Did I miss a day???

So... Did you miss me? No? Thats what I figured.

I got hit up this morning on FB. Ambushed by an I.M. Damn that technology. So why am I not writing? The easy answer is that I have nothing to say. Now that those of you that know me have stopped laughing maybe I should explain more.

I started writing to ease some pain or get some things out. Lately I haven't been quite as angry. Thats a good thing right? But as a side-effect I havent been compelled to write as much.

But don't fret, I'm still pissed off. Just not as much. BUt we do have snow in the forecast. Surely there will be something for me to bitch about.

Did you have fun in traffic yesterday? 285 was shut down due to a traffic fatality. And while I hesitate to say anything because of a young mans death I do have to be honest with myself. And these are the thoughts I had.
Yesterday's morning traffic recipe:
Start with 1 compact car heading west in the eastbound lanes.
Mix violently with 1 tractor trailer heading east.
Glaze with margarine. Approx. 6 tons
Bake til golden brown.


5 lanes covered with margarine on fire. Would have liked to have seen that.
Where's an overturned Orville Redenbacher truck when you need one?


If that accident would've happened on the south side at least we could ve  gotten some strippers out there & charged a cover. Subsidize the clean up costs & all.

PLus when I think of that much liquified butter I can only think of 2 things. Popcorn & strippers. Not necessarily in that order.

Now that I think of it. When I think of alot of things I correlate them with popcorn & strippers. But without the popcorn. Is that wrong?


Guess I'm hard up. Or maybe thats up hard. I'll figure it out later.


Ok kids. Its off to work. Cant wait for Michelle Obama to be in town today. She's gonna be here to discuss childhood obesity/ I have a thought on that.

Quit stuffing food in the damn kid! Dont buy the new Xbox. Buy the new Schwinn instead. Or how about this...Remeber chores? NO not clean your room chores. The go walk the dogs after youve pulled weeds & stacked wood chores. Y'know the shit that gets your hands dirty & breaks a sweat.

I coached for 15 yrs. I started with a few fat kids but dont think I ever had any at the end of the season.


Anyway, Cant wait for Obama. Just cant wait to see how bad she fucks up my afternoon commute.

Childhood obesity. GEESH!!! You know whos responsible for your kids being obese? YOU ARE!

What's that? Oh, they don't want to work hard & put forth effort? No shit! Thats a given. Crack the whip you pussy. They may not like you now for it but they'll respect you later. You'll respect yourself too.


Childhood obesity. Give me a fuckin break. Funny how technology is supposed to make things easier. You never seem to notice the things that new technology actually takes away.

Example: Social networking sites are inherently anti-social. Think about it.

Peace.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IoO5nkxT_4

Day of the tire

Friday afternoon. Rush hour. Now normally I get off early enough that I dont worry too much about getting caught in traffic. Friday I was praying for bumper to bumper. And here's why.


It's time to change the tires on the truck. I already drove one of them off the rim a couple weeks ago & still havent had the money to get it fixed. The other front tire is howing bad signs of wear. So much so that I'm praying on the way to work for safe passage. Please God grant me safe passage. I'm trying the best I can & I need your help & grace to see me through. Please just let me get there & back. So you be the judge if my prayer was answered.


I leave work between 2:30 & 3:00. Headed home down 400 S. Middle lane, 68 mph. The left front tire explodes. Or so I thought. 60 degrees out so the window is down & the tread comes off the tire & slings past me so close I felt the breeze. Missed my arm by inches & it flew up & past. Violent shaking. Instability. Cars at speed on both sides of me. BRAKES! I fight to keep it in the lane, hit the signal & bail for the shoulder. Whew! Stopped. Damnit! I'm 40 miles from home. Just south of Alpharetta & I'm going to Riverdale. SHIT!


I have no spare. It's on the right side already. What am I gonna do. I almost gave up & just sat down to cry. Wait a minute. That tire has air in it still. It only threw the tread cap. Wow! Thats impressive. I back up on the shoulder about 50 ft & hit the off ramp. Tire slapping the inner fender well the whole way. I felt like a NASCAR driver trying to make the pits without destroying the vehicle in the process. I drive, very slowly on this thing to a parking lot where I can break out some tools & really assess the damage. There's a huge chunk of loose rubber still attached. I have to get that removed. Every time the wheel rolls its slinging this hunk of tire carcass into the fender. Its an awful noise. And the truck shakes so bad @ 20 mph I can barely limp it around. Where's a Wal-Mart? They have cheap tires.


So I'm around Perimeter Mall. Surely theres something around here. I pull in at a strip mall & ask for directions. I actually asked 3 people. Surprisingly I got 3 different answers. So with no real sense of where I was headed I venture off again. Hazard lights flashing. Tire carcass slapping. It's so loud & violent that people walking the streets are turning around looking for the shooter a block before I can get to them. It was bad. A Marta Station. HEY! I could carry the bad tire home on the train & have someone pick me up on the south side. Naw. Don't panic Greg. Just figure it out.

A-HA!!! A freakin Wal-Mart. And I only had to drive about 6 miles to find it. I drive around back. Looking around the corner the whole way to see the auto center. And as I am hunched up on the steering wheel I can feel my frustration grow more the farther round back I get. This must be the only Wal-Mart SUPERcenter that I've ever seen that has NO auto center. Screwed again. Come on! Really? Yep. No tires. But while I'm here I'll look for something to hack this chunk of tire off. I find a cheap hack saw for $4 & go to work in the parking lot. 30 minutes later the hunk of rubber gets tossed into the bed. But the fender is a mess. It could be worse but it ain't good.


OK so now I guess lets find a tire place. I ask 3 people at Wal-mart & again get 3 different answers. But one of them sounded competent so I follow his advice. He was also the only guy to see me in the parking lot & asked if he could be of help. He commented on how blessed I was that nothing more serious happened & how amazing it was to see the tire was still inflated. Commented on my ingenuity & helped all he could. Or all I would allow. But it hit me. I was blessed here. I could of went careening across 3 lanes of interstate & left a path of destruction in my wake. I could be sitting on the side of the road with a flat 40 miles from home. Instead I'm talking with a man that helped me put some perspective & a smile back on my face. And I'm not so sure it wasn't God himself using this guy as His vessel. But I'm still stressed. And this is far from over.


So I'm off again and now the tire slapping has stopped. No more damage being done to the truck & this thing is actually, sorta, driveable. I drive slowly the 3/4 of a mile to the Goodyear store @ the mall. So Wal-Mart doesn't do  tires here but Macy's does??? I walk into the shop, fire off the tire size to the kid behind the counter who looks at me like I'm speaking Swahili. The manager asks if he can help. I tell him the story & that I need the cheapest tire he's got. 5 minutes later I'm given an estimate for $250. $400 if I buy 2. I don't have that kind of money available right now. Sad I know but true. Hey! No problem. I can FINANCE tires. WTF has this world come to when it's a regular thing for people to have to finance tires? Thanx but no thanx.


I make a call to a friend close to home & ask for some help. Call around locally & find me some USED tires. CHEAP! Please. And while you do that I'm just gonna limp this thing toward home til it gives out. Maybe that will be close enough to a bar so I have some place to drown my sorrows while the calvary mounts up.


It's now after 4pm. Traffic is in full swing. Bumper to Bumper. Well at least I dont have to worry about goiing too fast or drawing attention to myself. I'm creeping along, Thru the 285 interchange. Thru the toll booth. And now traffic lightens. So I'm off on the shoulder. About 20mph. Hazard lights flashing again. Passing cops on the shoulder. Ocassionally having to jump into a lane to get around other cars & debris that litters the shoulder. Don't run anything over or I'm stuck right here.


I cant go faster than about 42 or the shaking is so bad I can hardly control the wheel in my hands. Thank you God for power steering. Thru the 400/85 merge & straight into downtown Atlanta. 6 lanes wide of parking lot. Off goe the hazards & creeping along. 5 oclock comes & goes. Past I-20 now & headed home. I made it to the southside. 25 miles gone. 20 to go.


All of the sudden, as if I don't already literally have my hands full theres a HERO truck behind me. I'd stop for him but there's nothing he can do for me so if you could turn off those lights & take the attention off me that would be cool. I mean the damn thing isnt registered. I'm a rolling infraction several times over. As I get to the 75/85 split I realize I'm gonna have to cross 3 lanes of traffice to get to 75. Cars going past at 75mph. And theres just no way thats happening. So I guess its backroads. I bail off @ Langford Pkwy and figure I'll go around the airport to Riverdale Rd but I have no idea how to get there.


I get some directions by phone but its tough to decipher & I'm a stress bunny. My back is so tight I can feel the muscles constrict as I move. So its down the Pkwy past where I should have gone & wind up @ 285. FUCK!!! This is worse than 75. Really dangerous & if you didnt already know Atlanta drivers have to be some of the most poorly skilled, impatient, rude drivers I've ever seen. And I've driven all over. Foreign countries even & these people suck. If you've lived in Atlanta your whole life & think you drive well you're WRONG!!! And being as you have no basis of fact to base anything on don't argue withe me. You suck. Deal with it.


So I limp down 285. Make it to Old National. Onto the back roads to Riverdale Rd. More back roads & I can see home. I'd drive it home on the rim at this point. Ahhhh, my driveway. I left work @ 2:40. It's now 6:50.

Saturday morning I'm gonna take it up to the tire store. 2 used tires that I get to choose & the total mounted & balanced......80 bucks total. One thing about living in a poor neighborhood is you can get stuff cheap if you look hard enough. And now I still have enough to put gas in the truck for work & eat.


BUT, somewhere along the way I tore something up in the braking system. I have a leak & no pedal pressure. Fixed or not I'm driving it to work on Monday. I'd take the bike but it needs a front tire too. And thats one vehicle you dont want an explosive blow out @ 70 mph with.


Now, do I have the worst luck? Or am I blessed beyond belief? You could debate either side but to look at the corpse of a tire & know what I just went through to get to where I am I think I'll go with the blessing. What do you think? And YES! I drove home 40 miles on this.

Day of the Union

So it's the State of the Union. Did you watch? Did you hear the rebuttal? Did you see the Tea Party response? No?

Why the Hell not? I'm gonna enclose a link for you to check out the highlights. You can spend a few minutes checking it out & pursuing what interests you.


But this is my blog so I'll state my own opinion here. My page. My rules. My views. Thats how this started so why change now


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41231291/ns/politics-white_house/?GT1=43001
Make sure to scroll all the way down on this one to get some interesting facts.


http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2011/state.of.the.union/?hpt=T1



I find it amusing in an ironic sort of way that I'm talking politics. It's a sport for old men. I guess I'm becoming an elder.


I like what I hear in regards to finding new green energy sources. It's overdue. I fully support developing solar & alternative fuel power. I hear the Republican response to stop investing in foreign oil & to utilize America's resources but I don't hear them saying to get rid of oil. Oil is yesterday to me. We have to look toward the future or be found in the dust of those who would leave us behind.


I also fully support a heavy investment in both education & infrastructure. It boggles my mind how we of all countries have allowed our educational system to errode internally. And how are educators are not one of the most respected & compensated fields of employment. Our standards need to be higher. Our money needs to be focused on education.

 Additionally, the percentage of our infrastructure budget is a fraction of what it was 50 yrs ago. Yet, we have more of it. Anyone who owns a home knows if you do nothing to it after its built eventually it will fall apart on its own. Not only do you have to maintain a budget to keep it at its current standard but invest in its future well being. With a few improvements along the way. Money must be diverted to improve infrastructure. Our house is falling apart.


I also agreed with investing in communication & technology based businesses. If the internet is the future & we invented the internet & computer technologies then how do more S.Koreans have access to the net than Americans. How have the Chinese caught & passed us in some of these areas?


We are not utilizing our current strengths & I see Obama speaking to that tonight. That pleases me.


I'm gonna point a finger or two now. I think it's great that Congress did not sit seperated by party lines but intermingled with each other. I appreciate the carefully worded content by the Republican rebuttal but I still heard blame there. It irritates me that the evidence shows that these problems of ours have been in place, perpetuated even, for many years but staunch Republicans still try to point the finger at the Democrats. And take no responsibility for their own actions. The figures from 2000-2010 are staggering. And our leadership was not Democrat. So for all you Tea party members out there. I believe you attack to keep from having to explain & validate. Or compromise.


To me the Republican formal rebuttal seemed creepy from Rep. Paul Ryan. In a stepford wives/ automaton/ Big brother kinda way. He seemed so programmed. Kinda freaked me out. Especcially when he was talking about "less" government.  But there was some attempt to bridge the gap & make nice. I believe a better tack than previous years. And the Tea party response was creepy too. Hey!!! Bachman! What the hell are you looking at the whole time? The teleprompter? She's perky in an extremist sorta way. And to hear her cleverly worded retort. I felt a sense of dishonesty from her. A fake person. A choreographed soft shoe. Graphs & charts squarely placing blame. Buzz words in place of direction. Well worded rhetoric. Scary how good their writers are at incite, deflection & attack. Or maybe they aren't as good. I guess we'll see now that the house is Republican.


 But I do applaud the ideal the Tea party embraces regarding challenging & restructuring government. And to challenge the two party structure. At least in spirit. I want a goverment of, by, & for the people. Not of, by & for the corporation. Unfortunately thats where my biggest problem is with the Republican team & it's minor league affiliates. BTW, I consider myself an Independant. And believe that unless somebody's compensating you for your vote then you should be independant too. Apparently the Independants were the most negative about this speech overall.



I hear that people dont agree with Obama's policies but yet his approval rating is up. I hear people calling for him to be responsible regarding spending but also see the view of having to spend additional monies to identify & fix the problems before we again haphazardly cut across the board.



How does one, bureaucratically, remove bureaucracy?  Is that , by definition, impossible?


I don't believe that capitalism is the way life should be. Try this on for size. Do you consider yourself Christian? Religious? How about Spiritual? I should have targeted about 95% of you.

If money is the root of all evil then is captialism not evil incarnate? Where in the Almighty dollar is the truth, the way, the light?


I believe that the meek , shall indeed, inherit the Earth. I'm just not so sure of the condition it will be in when we finally get a hold of it.

what day? where?

So, I'm watching nothing. I was asleep actually. On the couch. Awakened by a dog that refuses to grasp the concept of bladder control until I sleep as long as I want.


Psshhhht! What's his deal?


Anyway, awakened to an infomercial. The Sleep Number Bed. Hmmmm, I'd bet that thing is more comfy than the couch. Well, I'm up now. I might as well look that thing up online. Open slides the back door. Dogs run outside & quickly lift a leg. I look up "The Sleep Number Bed!" Spoken in my best cheesy announcer voice. Starts at only $600.


 You've seen this. Right? The mattress that you control by adding or removing air to inflate it to the most comfortable setting for you? Cool huh?. And they even have the one with two controls for both sides of the bed. Wow! Even better I think.


Long pause, cigarette smoking. Cold air blows in with the dogs. And then it hits me. You want me to spend $1000 for an air mattress??? And then it hits me again! (slaps self in the forehead) (a little too hard) I've got an old aero bed & enough cushion. I counted by fives. My sleep number is 580.


OK So the plan today. Clean the house. The damn thing wont stay clean. And all I do is live here. I don't get it. May have a little side work on someone else's car. I do that from time to time. And I have a whole list of humdrum chores to be completed. I'd probably get more done if I turned on the radio instead of the TV & stepped away from the computer.


I have a dog that sheds & hardwood floors. I swept yesterday but as I look around (still in my morning daze) my floor is furry. If you or I lost that much hair we'd look like a pre-pubescent member of the Olympic swim team. And yet the dog doesnt look like he's dropped a strand. I've got dog hair tumbleweeds this morning. And I just swept this place!


I've got to quit masturbating. It's too difficult to do that, steer & open the bus door at the same time.


Oh quit your groaning. I get your kids to school on time every morning.


They're only late home when it's their turn to clean the windshield.

I stole that joke from Michael Kosta.

another same day. And the best I recall it went somethin like this.

SO I finished with 1981.

'82-'86 The school years.Now I debated on writing nothing about this time. It seems uneventful but then I start to see pieces. Fragments that were blocked or forgotten. I'll share a couple. But first let me set the stage a little.


I was very much a normal teenager. Normal being the subjective word here. I didnt think beyond sex, drugs & rock-n-roll. There was some angst, some rebellion. I pushed the envelope some. And my school chums recollections of me vary but I'm harder on & more critical of myself than anyone else. This was the time in my life when drugs entered for the first time. My sister had introduced me to pot in Missouri but it didnt really take. It was after the move that getting high & fitting in became the option I chose. It really is the easiest way. And teenagers do like the easy way out now dont we?


So I've got friends now. Dad is chasing this job & after we moved he left to work in another city & come home on the weekends. He had alot of reasons for doing this but when you look back on it he was trapped in a cycle of dysfunction too. It was easier to live the life he wanted while being away. I mean, think about it. Married with children but only on the weekends. Mon-Fri he could drink, drug, & womanize. He did alot of all of that & then some. This is the part of my life when Dad was the enemy and Mom seemed weak.


 Someone else's struggles to come to terms can often be viewed in any other light than the light of truth. Happens everyday to all of us. This was no exception. The rule I learned that I have carried is NEVER judge a book by it's cover. Unless you live it you can't judge it. People are flippant & it pisses me off. When do the masses search for enlightenment? Could we get to that time please? I'd be much happier. And so would they.


So it's a Friday night. Me & the boys are going to the Midnight movie. Rocky Horror I think. On the way we had drinks & drugs. We were primed & there were 5 of us packed into a VW bug. It was a testosterone filled party. We were having fun. I'm riding shotgun. The following scene will be remebered in slo-mo. Driving up the road, probably too fast, approaching a S turn. An overcorrection brings my attention forward & off the party in the back seat. Up on the 2 left wheels. Headlights. Steering correction brings the car back to 4 tires & then swings onto the 2 right sides. Herbie the love bug style. But with alot more panic. Darryl set the car of all four & hits the brakes. The car begins to skid. & slides around the car coming head on. Spins counterclockwise 270 degrees & reaches the edge of the embankment ass first. Down the hill. Rolling over from the left rear corner. 2 1/2 rolls til the bug rests on the drivers side. Stopped. Breath returns. We start to climb out. I can remember stepping on Darryl's head to get out. Not by accident but as more of a way of showing my disapproval.

We're all ok. We'd be sore tomorrow but right now we're good. The guys decide its a good idea to stand around the back of the car & have a post wreck smoke. Gas & fluids still spilling out. As a mechanic's son I know this aint a good idea. I scramble up the hill & walk to the edge of the roadway. And at that exact moment a girlfriend's sister & her boyfriend pull by. " Hey man, are you OK?" "Yeah. Hey can I get a ride?"  I'm out. They take me back to their place. Which is about 300 yds from my house. But I'd much rather have a little TLC in peace & quiet then go home.


I think it was about 2:30 am Maybe closer to 3. I'm passed out in her bed. Her sister comes in to wake us. My Dad is standing at the door. Uh, WHY? How did he know where I was? Did he hear about the wreck? Is he worried? Did he come to save me? Nope. Upon reaching the doorstep, sluggish, sore & just awakening, I'm grabbed by the throat & lifted thru the doorframe. " Get your ass in that car right now." I must be in trouble. Sorry. But wait.



I wasnt in trouble for failing to report an accident or alleviating my parents fears. He was oblivious. Blind drunk. I was in trouble because I hadnt swept the garage properly. Not that I hadnt swept it at all but it was done wrongly. Lifted out of a friends place by the throat by an enraged drunk because dust remained. I was overlorded while I swept the garage @ 3a.m. I did it without saying a word. It was better that way. When I had finished to pass the white glove test all I wanted was sleep & rest. Nah, He has plans for me. Have a seat on an old milk crate. Sit here til the sun comes up & he's had enough time to wax philosophical & come down. Around 6 or so I was released freom bondage. This scene repeated itself in one form or another for several years. I think I remember it so vividly now because of the accident. As I look back now I can see the pain & dysfunction he was in. At the time was confusion & an overwhelming desire to just be left alone.


 Girls were soft & pretty & smelled good. They couldnt possibly understand but they could comfort. I'll take advantage of that & perpetuate the dysfunction a little more. It took much later in life to have the realization that every action has a consequence. Not some, ALL. The most trivial decision you make today. Think about who it affects & in what way. Can you go that deep? It will boggle your mind. And when poor decisions are made an adverse reaction occurs to the point of the breakdown of life as we know it.


Again, path toward enlightenment. Keep an eye on the big picture at all times & realize that what you do today touches someone tomorrow. Even if that wasnt your intent.


So thats enough for awhile. I'll finish highschool later & we'll start to get into some more substantial fuck ups.

A new day; The timeline

I've been wanting to do this for awhile. I'm gonna make a timeline of me. I'm sure that here is probably gonna be full of bad things but I may work my way into some of the good stuff too.


August 17th, 1968- Born in Aurora, MO
no,no,no Wayne's World was in IL. This place is a sleepy community close to the Ozark mountain area. Just a hillbilly.

1972- Sometime in spring. Kansas City, MO- Walking on the brick ledge that lined the driveway. Mom had told me not to do it. This time she caught me. She yelled at me  not to but as she did my concentration was taken away from being a curious boy & I took a wrong step, fell off & cracked my head wide open. I still remember it like it just happened. The ride to the hospital & my first stitches. One of my earliest memories.


1973- We moved to St.Peters, MO This is the place & time I consider home. My childhood was filled with promise. This is also the year that the airline went on strike. I can remember shelves downstairs filled with food. Stockpiled, no name, generic food. I can still see the white labels with black writing on the cans of generic beer. And while I didnt know any difference then I see now that at that time we were struggling. Things got better.


1975- maybe '76- My first trip abroad. Munich Germany. It's amazing how something from so long ago can stay with you.  I still have some of the souvenirs from that trip as a boy.


1976- Bicentennial. Alot of things happened that year. Mostly all good. Football, Baseball, Hockey. First girlfriend. First kiss. The hows & whys of patriotism. I have friends on Facebook from that time in my life.
What you see in the movies as the perfect life. That's what I lived. The block parties. The close friends. Street hockey,(Car!, game on) snow forts & snowball fights with the whole neighborhood, bicycles with baseball cards in the spokes, full on tackle football. The bruises, the blood, the skinned knees. Everything about it was right out of Norman Rockwell if he was wearing a leisure suit. A truly great childhood.


1978- Blood. Lots & lots of blood. Dad had been helping the inept neighbor chop wood. The neighbor missed & caught Dad's hand. Almost took the pinkie completely off. Fear in my father's eyes. My first terror experience. He's coming in as I'm opening the door. Met with blood & the sight. I cant ever foget the scene.


1979- coming home from being out. Late afternoon. I hopped the back fence. Dinner would be on soon. Who is that in my backyard? There's a couple of them. Those are cops. Guns? I can see my father through his bedroom window. Naked from what I can see. A shotgun in his hands, between his knees, barrel pointed toward the sky. Lots of yelling. Cops tried to grab me. I ran around front. Cars scattered in the street. Lights flashing, Neighbors, Mom. Chaos. Whisked away. The story never to be heard of or spoken of again. But I remember.



1981- The game changes. Reagan, PATCO strike, Dad follows his job to Atlanta, GA. We had to move. Going from 7th to 8th grade in school. Old friends gone. New friends & life different. Foreign. Fighting to fit in. I can remember the first day of school. I still had bell bottoms & hiking boots. Those got laughed at here. It was straight legs & Pony sneakers. 2 fights the first day. Kids are cruel. Southerners werent the hospitable people I'd heard they were. I don't belong here. This is also the time I realized that drinking was a real issue in my home.

Now I'm caught in a flood of memories. A blur of flashes. I'll come back & do some more later.

Just a random post

Oh, what to write about? I really dont know. There are so many things & yet no inspiration or desire to expose myself.



And then there's the thought of writing it down & manifesting the bad things into reality. I mean, I do have a history of fucked up stuff.


I could write a last will. I probably should. But not right now.


I think my block in writing over the past few days has more to do with my internal struggle to write down the demon than anything else. So I'm gonna give you a peek behind the curtain. And try to hold that closet door closed at the same time.


August 24th, 1995. Where were you? What were you doing. I had been 27 yrs old for a week on that date.
I was back living with my parents. A blessing actually. Back home from another relationship/roommate incident. Working a decent job but no major career move. But there was a plan. We had just had a great meal. Big juicy hamburgers off the grill with all the fixins. Sauteed onions. Slab cut bacon. You know, the kind you make at home that when youre done putting it together you wonder how the hell youre gonna fit it in your mouth. But you manage dont ya? Yeah. That awesome burger.



After dinner I curled up to watch TV. Dad went to get ready to leave for work. He worked midnights @ TWA. He would leave a few minutes before 11. I, on the other hand, could feel the indigestion coming on.
But it was a little different than your normal heartburn.



 I re-live this in my head alot. I know every nuance. I can't make it stop. It's nothing I want to keep. Eventually I hope to write it all down as it happened but it's terrifying to live through again & again. So I'll quit with the flowery.


On August 24th, 1995 I hade a massive heart attack. I've never been the same person. I never will be. And that part isn't all bad. But I literally live with pain & suffering to this day. And lately I have been feeling bad. I'm alone & it's scary. No insurance. No money. No one.

The shortness of breath. The vision starting to tunnel to dark. The fear. The Reaper. The physical strength I'll never have again. Why? How come? That might be a better posed question. In a grammatically challenged kinda way. I would never wish the experience on anyone ever.

And it's going to be my death.


I need to go to the Dr. I've thought about going to the hospital. I don't know what the right move is. Sounds strange right? I'm frozen. Caught in the headlights. I'm just erroding. I don't know why. Tortured by pain, regularly. But the torment is worse. "And I can't get myself to go away."

The quote is from Matchbox 20's "Longday" Go check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3leiVLew_vI

But I'll try the embed code on here & learn from my mistakes.


So I'm claiming the song as one of many that I lay claim to. I'll even give you one more. It's for Mom. As I sat on the couch at home (Mom's house) after my Mother died earlier that day, I heard this song on the radio. Now I know it wasnt written for this. But it struck me. I've never cried so hard for so long. I had it already recorded but  it just hit me in that moment. I had to keep playing it over & over. Almost as a prayer to Mom. It's "Movies" by Alien Ant Farm. Sounds weird I know but just give it a listen.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T8l9FL88gw


I hope you never hear these two songs the same way again.
I'm out. How's that for your morning coffee?

Day 11 Today was a good day

So its the long weekend and my how things have changed. Its Sunday afternoon and the football game is on.I should be farther ahead on my house cleaning & laundry but I'm just not. Try as I might I will never be described as a domestic goddess.


So let me tell you about my weekend. Friday I took a co-worker to the airport. Sat in traffic with someone that I really didnt know for about 1 1/2 hrs. Not bad but I would have rathered taken care of other things. So I'm a little behind. Saturday I had things that should have been done but after a decnt nights rest And the thermometer on the way up I took off toward a friends on the bike. Yeah I had to bundle up & the roads still had small patches of ice pack but it was worth it.

See I've been talking to a girl. Kinda has me all'o flutter. Somes aspects are a little scary & maybe not right on the bullseye but that's ok. I like the feeling. I think I'll enjoy it awhile.


So I went out on the bike. My communing with nature time. The bright radiant sun opposed by the chill of 45 degree  ambient temps at speed touching any exposed skin or light layers. The ole' girl likes the chill though. You can tell by the crack of the pipes & the feeling of her pulling against the reins a bit. She wants to run & so I twist my hand til the tears come from the wind getting in.. Long stretch of sunlit pavement. No oncoming traffic. No roads leading in as far as I can see. I'm at 100 before you get to 50 in that cage. Damn its cold now. But what a rush. I click thru 4th into 5th & kick back awhile. Hi God! How am I doin'? I'm trying. Best I can. What would you have me do?

Silence except for Bleu. That bitch is a screamer. Losing my tail pipe awhile back doesnt keep her any quieter. Just enjoying my place in this day & what He will allow me to see & be apart of.I think of Ice Cube. "Today was a good day."


On my way home I'm in the most treacherous part of the road. Way icy. Narrow ruts to ride thru. I had marked it in my head on the way out but it's on me again. I brake & the car in front of me swerves. And then I see it. Can I get stopped in time? Van behind me. Too close behind. Easy on the front binders. Then down thru 4th, 3rd, clutch, 2nd, On the fronts & rears. Easy on the ice. Clutch release. Pull it in one more time & slide toward the right of the lane. Van goes by. And there sits a well groomed black female shih tzu. I pull of onto the side road. Step off the bike & cll the dog. She comes to me. She is lost. You can tell. Wearing a collar with no tag & dragging a leash. I walk with her til she starts to head home & then its back to the bike. I cant leave it where its sitting, running. AS I throw a leg across I catch a blur. She's back out on the main road. I'm not sure how I got ther but I got between the car & the dog. All of us live to tell the tale. Whew. I couldn't let her die. And she was going to if I didnt intervene. I found the dogs owner & not a second too soon or she was coming home with me. I saved a life. Yeah ok so it was a dog but still. God was there. He made it happen. He gave me the choice to make. I chose the right path. And thats the part that feels so good.. Hate to see a lady in distress. Sorry to kiss & run. " Yeah, Today was a good day."



Now I 've got lots more to tell but I wanted to share that one on its own. But there is one thing I want you to remember. Y'know that big burly guy in the leather you shy away from. That guy with the loud pipes Drowning out your already too loud radio. That scruffy looking dude that you judge at the traffic light. Well today that guy just saved your dog's life. Would you have stopped in your car. Would you have walked the subdivision for a few minutes because the visual in your head was a crying little girl that just lost her puppy. Or would you have just missed her & kept on driving like so many around me did? I choose different things. I am different from you. Not better. Not worse. Don't judge my leather. Read the pins of the charities I helped worn with pride. Don't honk at me to get out of your way. Show me the respect I show you that you never even acknowledge. I rode my bike today. I became one with my surroundings. Pulse matching the V-twin roar. I did a good thing. I saved a life & re-connected family members.


Promise me this. When you see my dog in the street stop please. Either one of them may lead you to me. I may be in need of help. But the closeness you will feel toward your Higher power for doing what was jsut the right thing is the most powerful feeling you may ever have. Yep. Today was a good day.

Day 8 What happened to common sense & logic

I awoke early this morning. Refreshed but up way too early. While watching the morning news I saw a story about GA's civil rights leaders upset because a couple of counties have decided to use MLK Jr. day as a snow make up day.Upset may be too light a term.



Surely we can do better. Surely we have bigger issues to tackle. Has the snow affected our brains that much? My first & immediate thought was what would MLK want us to do? My belief is upon seeing the condition of his home state he would want the children educated. It's just another day.


 And what better way to honor the man then to come together as a group. Maybe a short pep rally or an extended homeroom to honor the man would curtail the vigor in which these civil rights leaders protest. Which is better for civil rights? To spend the day at home playing Xbox or to be educated. When the question is poised that way the answer seems easy.

What I havent seen at all this week is theses same civil rights leaders protesting the conditions of our roadways or the fact that the bus lines aren't running. And we all know who predominantly rides public transit now don't we. But, not a peep on that issue.


The direction of our values seem to be iced over. What's really important seems to be melting away. I recall an old saying which says to pick your battles. On the surface this could seem as if these leaders are fighting to preserve our current way of life & honor tradition. But when our way of life is worse than our parents & some of those traditions are to blame shouldn't we re-evaluate? See, I don't judge a man by the color of his skin but by the content of his character. And these characters should take some time to think what is best for the youth of today. The leaders of tomorrow. The first step is indeed a quality education. And we can make a difference with every day. Or we could take the day off & bitch about the banks being closed. What do you want for your children?

Day 7 Therapy sucks

NO!!! This blog site sucks. After more than an hour of typing & pouring out my soul onto a page the site is "not responding" I just lost everything. And let me tell you it was the best thing ever written in the history of man. Clear, concise, eloquent, poetic, funny & heart wrenching all at the same time. Award winning shit to be sure & you will never see it. Lost forever which has some irony considering how I feel most of the time. Not misunderstood. Incapable of being understood because it's gone. Forever lost.
It may not be as good as before but I will try.
Therapy sucks for a number of reasons. First, as you go through the motions & make some revelations you progress. Progress is a good thing right? As you enter these transitional phases you leave a part of you behind. You no longer know who you think you are. You instead stand on the cliff of the unknown. You are changing. Change can be scary. And so, not only do you live with the pain but also add in a new shot of fear.
Nope. I tried. Not happening. The muse is no longer upon me. Frustration has set in. The setting sun is bright in my face. Unable to see the keyboard. Not able to move my computer. Time to stop.

It did it again. And my time here is about done. Maybe it's God's way of telling me.....Dude!!! You can't publish that shit. People will call the authorities.

Oh I'm so distraught. I need someone to talk to. Someone to tell my secrets. To let in again. An overwhelming need to be vulnerable. And thats where I come to the realization that I have truly lost my freakin mind.
This post is scattered today.It was much more focused earlier & I was making progress. Apparently progress will have to wait for another time.

Day 6. Slip sliding away

Oh what a day. Computer problems @ home. Driving problems to work today. But I had an idea. I thought I'd write it here so it's published. Dont steal it or I'll sue your ass. LOL



So the roads in Atl are atrocious. Piss poor planning. And now they're sub-contracting road cleaning from construction companies. How much is that costing? And who has profitted? Well the heads of major corporations thats who. Well I had an idea. Gimme some feedback on this & try & stay with me.



First, ask for corporate sponsorship for future road cleanings in winter weather. Why? Well if the roads are clear then the employees get to work & lost days are a thing of the past. Why would they do that Greg? To improve their bottom line of course but also because it wont really cost them anything. How you ask? By purchasing act of God riders on insurance policies. Thats how. So by buying a policy to cover their expenses if we have more than a couple inches of snow or a qtr inch of ice. They cover the cost of sponsorship. You following along? The fat cats in their corporate hi-rises dont lose a penny. The roads are cleared in an acceptable fashion & time frame & the only ones who pay are the insurance companies but because they invest the premiuims first & this only happens every few years then literally no one loses.



Now thats the thought I had. Can it be done? Yeah I think so but further research would have to be done. If youre in the insurance industry or an executive for a major corp. then tell me what you think. BUt this is dated so unless you have a publication of a similar idea dated a day earlier then dont be taking my idea. lmao.



And then when we have a snow storm in the future the salt trucks would say stay back 200 feet. DO NOT PASS. Instead relax, Have a Coke & a smile. Is this brilliant or do I need to up my doseage?

Day 5 Snow day 2

ok. so I'm home again today. Ice has the highways completely shut down. And only now on the news has anyone made a comment about how much money the city is losing because of the lack of ability to service the roadways. I'm so glad our leaders & reporters are on top of things. I'd hate to think they were dense & short-sighted.
Its so bad that police officers are walking down the highways with hammers & shovels chipping out the tires of vehicles that have sat in one place for so long they have frozen to the interstate. So glad to see our tax dollars at work so efficiently. REALLY? walking truck to truck? Apparently the truckers that have had to sit overnight are pissed & theyre starting to let it show. But of course none of that will be shown. Because the southerners are doing the best they can. REALLY? Youre gonna use the "I'm a southerner so I dont know any better" defense? I guess it would be different if we lived in a society where we were able to beam pertinent information thru the airwaves, to space & back in the blink of an eye, to ask for assistance from areas of the country that deal with this on a much more regualr basis.
My prediction? Next will be the lack of ability to get to medical care. People will die because we only have 45 trucks in the entire metro area to service thousands of miles of roadways.You cant get to the hospitals. The ambulances cant get to you. Doesnt any of this piss you off?
I will say this. GA power got a phone call from me yesterday to inform them I had a power outage. Within 30 minutes a truck was on-scene. Power restored within an hour &1/2. Kudos.
But then there are the countless number of idiots. YEP I said it. IDIOTS who leave the house with 1/8 a tank of gas, run dry in traffic & abandon there vehicles in the middle of the damn road & just walk away. Where I come from when you came back your car would be plowed over or pushed off the road by a snowplow into a ditch. Here? theyre calling in a tow truck to gingerly move you to the side of the road. Wouldnt want to ding soccer mom's Beemer now would we? Doesnt matter that while you are performing that maneuver 30 others ran out of gas. Not to mention the thousands stuck in icy gridlock.
Nope I'll stay home today & try not to fall off my holier than thou soap box
What happened to common sense? Is it no longer politically correct?

Day 4. Frustration a familiar friend

And so after a morning of writng about my frustrations about life, work, love, the snow storm & everything else under the sun my power goes out. It was only out about an hour but in the process I lost everything I had written. AARRGGGGJHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAkes me wanna.......Well, you figure it out. Is this God's way of telling me something? Is there such a thing as a run of bad luck? Cuz I dont remember having an opposing run of good luck. Or does that come after I'm able to survive the bad?

Should I start again?

Now alot of you dont know that I've had a couple near death experiences. I'm sure youve heard stories about people who have had them. Well let me tell you something. It changes you. For the better in alot of ways. The little things that most people take for granted are what I live to see everyday. Those humdrum things you never pay attention to are what keeps me going. I have a finer appreciation for things. And am infinitely more patient & calm. Plus I dont just go through the motions too much anymore. Now I do still have to make a conscious effort with alot of things but not always. I'm just different now. More zen-like if you will. For awhile I've been seeking a path to enlightenment. That brought me closer. Does that make me better? Nah. But I do wish I could give what I have received to all of you. Just without having to go thru the experience. I wouldnt wish that part on anyone.

But weird things happen too. Kids and animals are attracted to me. Birds come close when I sit in my rocking chair. Wind seems to sing. Trees seem to wave as I pass by rather than just swaying in the breeze. I'm highly in tune with my body. I feel everything. I can anticipate actions & reactions. Its just weird. But mostly in an enjoyable way.

Of course there are bad things too. I FEEL everything. That causes anxiety. I'm highly emotional.I'm lonely even when with people. I feel different. Like people cant understand. Most have shown they dont. My impending sense of mortality never leaves. I know I could go at any moment of any day. Thats scary. Like now. Right now. I have a constant fear of death which causes me seperation from others. I didnt get married or have children in large part to the fact I didnt want to leave them or hurt them with my passing. The irony? I've been like this for 15 yrs. Any child I wouldve had would be close to adulthood. And by statistical standards I would be on at least my 2nd marriage. LOL

Besides the women & the family this has been my greatest source of pain & suffering. It torments me on a daily basis. Can you put yourself in my shoes? Youre on the outside looking in. What would you do? Any suggestions? Here's my fear. I will make my fear become my reality. Just as I have with so many other things. Yet its inside me with no way out. You cant escape your own shadow kinda thing.

Is it creeping you out? Cuz it  makes my skin crawl. Yet another reason why I crave love & affection. Vicious circle. No way on. No way off. Thnk I'll take a break now. Gotta get myself in a different place. MAybe I'll come back later with some comedy or a hot, torrid escapade. For now, I'm gonna have a drink & curl up in a ball for awhile. I escape with sleep. But sometimes even tht is no escape. Sometimes the dreams come. Violent enough to shoot me straight out of bed. It never ends. But the end is what I fear. Which would you choose?

Day 3 part deux. Let's talk about sex ,baby.

SEX!!! Oh I got your attention now don't I? Well before I become a Harlequin romance novel I'm gonna talk about some heartbreak & some scientific aspects. 

One of my dysfunctions in life has been to equate sex as love. The more sex I get the more it means that someone loves me. Right? Wrong!

My belief is one night stands & short lived relationships based on sex are just two dysfunctional ships passing in the night. But that wasnt always the case. I have had alot of women. And alot of women have had me. In my earliest days I consciously knew of ,& used, sex as a tool of learning. What makes her tick? What feels good. If it felt good to that one will it feel good to this one? What techniques are most effective. Who is that little man in the boat & how can I get him to row my way? G-spot? Is there an A thru F? Do you know what the G stands for? I do.

So I studied. Personal experiments, book study, therapy. HEY!!! I could be good at this. And so it began. Kama Sutra? Tantra? No orgasms. Controlled orgasms. Multiple orgasms. Orifice? Which orifice? Step right up & spin the wheel. All became of interest. And for the most part here is my conclusion after a lifetime of study. Sex is mechanical. It can be incorporated into the cerebral but the actual act of getting off is mechanical. Shocking & ground breaking revelations I know.

For guys it's as easy as the instructions on a shampoo bottle. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Which, by the way, if you follow the instructions on a shampoo bottle properly & to the letter then one bottle of shampoo is good for one shower. Think about it.

Women are more like a medicine bottle. You know the one's that are "child-proof". You try to force the damn thing open but the best way is to slow down & use your mind in conjunction with the muscles. Then the cap comes off easily. Now what was all that previous frustration for? This is one time when it is in a man's best interests to read the fucking instructions or ask for fucking directions. Literally.

Now let's get to the good stuff. I cant figure out if I should start from the most recent & work back or the first & work forward. I think the latter is more reader friendly. Plus the last significant woman is gonna fill up more than one chapter for sure.

My first girlfriend ever was Julie Albert. 2nd grade. Now I did get into trouble when I was 4 for disrobing the neighbor girl under the swingset but I only mention it to allow you to see that my obsession with the opposite sex has been there for as long as I can remember. Girls never had cooties for me until much later in life & Julie well she was the first real kiss. Recess. Again at the swingset. And theres another swingset incident but it was later in life & it's X-rated so I'll save that one for just me. But to answer the question in your mind. Yes you can but it takes some doing. Anyway, Julie was the first of many to kiss. I don't remember why we broke up but I do remember being slapped in the face. Training for later.

Now between grade school & high school I learned alot but nothing significant happened so I'll jump forward. My first real experience with the lies told in a relationship started with Donna P. She was a hottie & I really liked her. Alot. We took our time & I sincerely comitted to her even though prior to that committment I played around alot. She eventually left me for another. But she lied about it. Why can't people just be honest about their feelings or lack thereof? Anyone who's ever been cheated on wonders the same thing I'm sure.

After Donna I slept around alot. Some of you know that about me. Developed quite the reputation during school. But we did have fun didnt we? At least when I wasnt scamming other guys girlfriends & screwing them in the back seats of cars. I'd like to say that I feel shame over some of those actions but thats just not the case. It happened. I'm not proud of the guy I was but I was that guy. 

The next significant woman was Kelly B. I was 17. She was 24. She actually worked with my mother & rented a room from my folks. Thanx mom. A live in girlfriend. For Me? How did you know thats what I wanted? Lovemaking took on a whole new perspective. And this was the first woman I was prepared to marry. Fresh out of high school & too young for an adult woman this was destined for failure but we spent a couple great years together. And the lessons learned are still used to this day. But there were too many drugs involved & she left me for someone that could fund her rock-n-roll lifestyle. It just so happened that this particular guy turned out to be bat shit crazy. Like he believed little green men made mountains. No kidding. What a blow to my ego. What kind of loser must I be to lose out to a guy like that? Never mind the drug fueled mentality that she had to make that decision. I put it all on me. Whats wrong with me? What did I do? What didnt I do? Why? Why? Why?

While Kelly only gets a paragraph here she screwed up my head but good. Years it took to forget & forgive. If I'm to be honest I still carry some scars from Kelly. But she got hers. During some sort of episode I heard thru the grapevine that he beat her badly & threw her out on the lawn with nothing. Years later during a visit I called her. Just to catch up. She never spoke a word. Too freaked out by my call I guess. Her loss. But during this particular episode I had moved back to St.Louis & met another. I messed her up & for that I am truly sorry. She's next.

Stephanie M.was her name. And this time I was the older one. But I didnt properly handle the previous break-up & she eventually paid the price. In the end she hurt me too but if I am to be honest then at least some of it I brought on myself. It began at my place of work. And it began very passionately. Now that I look back on it alot of our relationship was based on sex. But damn if that part wasnt good. It was one of those incredibly hot fires that cant last but puts off amazing heat while it burns. Crazy stuff. Public stuff. Whats the craziest place? Describe your wildest time. She's the girl. The good times were really good but the bad times were really bad. Here's the story. At least the part that hurts. 

Something in me had not yet healed from Kelly. Now I know alot hadn't healed. Or been dealt with in a healthy manner but little in my life was healthy. After a couple of years of being together I knew I loved her but not the way that I should. Something was gnawing at me. Like a dog & a bone. Chewing away & it left me restless. During a trip back to Atlanta I took Steph with me. I had the chance to meet with Kelly. I needed some closure. Truth is I was torn & wanted to re-kindle in some fantastical way. That was never going to happen so lets just find out what happened & why. For my own sanity.



I left Steph @ my sisters place where I found out later she was crushed & in tears. Had I known maybe I wouldve reacted differently. But I didnt & I'm sure she carried a grudge & a resentment that would later manifest itself in some awful behaviors designed to pay me back. I tried to explain my actions at the time but it didnt seem to register with her. She was still young & had not experienced affairs of the heart like this. And then there were the drugs. There was always the drugs. Trying to kill it all away. The memories would cloud but never disappear.



 We were on again off again for awhile but it was ruined. And I have to take some, if not all, of the responsibilty for that part. I'm sorry Stephanie. You didnt deserve that. I was screwed up & while that is no excuse it is the reason & I apologize. I hope you havent carried that demon as I have carried mine. That thought keeps me up at night sometimes. What did I do? How could I ? But in truth I have forgiven myself for that part. And this is why.

After we broke up I seduced a few girls. Broke the code again. Don't date or have sex with the current or ex-girlfrined of someone in your inner circle. It's amazing I didnt get my ass kicked more. I deserved it.

Karma. It is a bitch. One night at work I get a phone call from one of my closest friends. The thought of it now still makes me sick to my stomach. He called to relieve himself of his guilt. He had just slept with Stephanie. Surely her attempt to hurt me as I did her. It worked. It still hurts. You called me at work? It couldnt wait? So glad you feel better. I clocked out early. I clocked out of more than just work. She won but that wasnt good enough for her. A few months later I left for college.

College is a great time. Parties, women, drugs. Class? I'm supposed to go to class? I don't have time for that. I'm way too busy getting high & screwing my life up for class. 

On a trip home from school I got a phone call from A guy I went to junior high with. Steve was an intimidating guy in jr.high. Big & intimidating. A real bad ass if you can be such a thing at 13. He was now with Steph & apparently her honor was to be defended. I was a bit scared. Not gonna lie. When the actual confrontation took place & we met face to face he hadnt grown an inch since he was 13. Now I'm not a big guy but I had 3-4 inches & 30 lbs on him. At the point of contact he realized that maybe a mistake was made. I mean I did show up for the challenge after all & the intimidator was me this time. I let him go & scoffed at her attempt to again cause me pain. The adult on this one. The bigger man. Literally & figuratively. Privately I was in alot of pain. She had already stuck the knife in once. Now she was trying to twist it. I wouldnt let her this time but she wasnt finished yet.

Back at college I received a package. A stack of love notes from Stephanie to a friend of mine & his return letters. Wrapped neatly in a pair of panties I had bought for her. OK I'm mentally fucked at this point. On a trip home I was invited to a Halloween party at a friends hunting cabin. Middle of nowhere. Cooler full of homemade drink. Big bag of weed & his sis ran a fireworks stand so we had a trunk full of explosives. What more do you need?

I'm on the roof shooting off roman candles when up drives Stephanie & this former friend. Drunk as I was I jumped off the roof & confronted him. Backed him around the cabin towards the bon fire & proceeded to beat him with a burning stick. Later I dismantled his car & drained the oil in the parking lot of his apartment. And yet still did not feel better. Ok maybe a little. That was some devious shit you pulled. You deserved your ass beating & I'd do it again.

After that I occasionally saw Stephanie. We even did the ex sex thing. But there was always the history. And at this point if we werent trying to make each other feel good we were trying to sabotage each other. Very destructive. And it did indeed scar me. Years went by. No significant girlfriends. None that need talking about. I always wondered why my relationships would only progress to a certain point. Now you have an idea as to why too. 

Next is Charlene. Now if you think Stephanie was evil just wait til you meet Charlene. And the worst part is I still have love for them all. How bass-ackwards is that? But she will have to wait for another time. There are other stories to tell before I get to her. And after this writing my strength is gone. My emotions raw. Try as I might I cant get into my head enough to show you the true picture but I think you get the drift.

Here's what I have learned about relationships. Honor is very important. So is honesty. I've heard the term brutally honest used. There is no such thing. There is honesty & there is cruelty. If you cannot control your own words then youre not being honest with yourself about your feelings. Therefore you cant truly be honest with another. It's empirically important to be honest with yourself first before you can ever get to that point with another. Before you point that finger at me take a good look at the three pointing back at you.

I'm in a different place now in my life then I was then. I'm ready, finally, for a truly loving relationship. Sometimes I think its too late. What a shame if that were true. I'm ready to be the man for a loving healthy woman. What a waste it would be to let all the things I've learned fall by the wayside. But I remain hopeful even after all of this. And you havent heard the worst of it yet. Somewhere out there is the woman for me. She's experienced pain & loss. She's learned her life lessons & is ready to treat a man the way he should be treated. And she will accept nothing but my very best. In turn she's willing to give me her all. Her everything. I pray for that woman to hurry up & get here. I deserve her. And she deserves me.