HOT DAY #1

It got hot out there. I want to try to do things & I just can't. I'm not even allowed. And the next 2 days are supposed to be even hotter. Guess I'll be doing my walks first thing in the am. Early a.m. Maybe sneak in a late evening one.

I cant work upper body everyday. Gonna skip today & start tomorrow. I'm restricted to no more than 10 lbs. But it was suggested I start lower than that & build into more weight over several weeks time.

I'm following instructions. The people guiding me Have more degrees than the thermometer hit today so,  wtf do I know? Little steps.

Sis got a few job leads. We went to her school after the hosp. She needs a job badly. I know this. The nephew is trying to move out but that aint happening quite yet. But its coming. The niece is going off to school in about 6 weeks. I'm hoping I make some good progress before all that happens. I don't want to be alone all the time again. I wont worry about it right now but its in the back of my head, whispering, & my first instinct is fear. Maybe anxiety is a better way to put it.

We'll cross that bridge when we get there. As long as I'm doing well then Sis should definitely be putting all her efforts into good employment. My pain will subside with some time. I know it will. They told me so. What I feel like today will feel different tomorrow & the Dr knew exactly where I was feeling pain & how it moves around & all the little aches & pains that come with this. So I'm gonna trust his judgment.

If I follow instructions then I should feel better week by week. There are things I have to look out for but basically its a slow process. We already knew that. Its keeping the mind working & performing little tasks. But I do get bored with those quickly. I need some friends to hang with. Talk to on the phone & stuff. I'll try to get my room in tip top shape. I have a couple little hobbies I can throw in intermittently. Just take it as it comes.

It sounds boring. Kinda like this blog today. Fogged over from the pain killers. That I growing used to And arent doing all that I want done. Gotta suffer some I guess.

I was told however by Sis & Doc that I may have a higher tolerance for pain. I thought just the opposite but apparently I dont cry uncle as fast as the next guy. Years of experience & training in that. I said I wanted to be considered a tough SOB. But Sis said taking pain doesnt make me tough. What a buzzkill.

What I know is this. I've experienced alot over the years & its only accumulated in volume.I wouldnt wish my pains on anyone. 44 this year.Just a month & a little bit before my birthday. I creak & crackle like a haggard old man. But the new infusion from the heart pump has me looking forward more. My breathing. my mind, my desire to want to are all coming back in a big way. Its the body thats keeping me at a slow pace.
I'm supposed to be feeling this way. Its like a hot rod waiting on the line for that last yellow before the green, Like a bull in a chute just before the idiot on his back nods his head. Its almost like tension, or anticipation.

Anyway, everything seems to be getting sharper but I have a long way to go before I'm healed. I was reminded several times that my chest was split open for a couple days. Guess you dont bounce back from that so quick. I should start my hobbies. I'd go back to building models if I could keep my hands from having the shakes. Gotta find more alternatives.

Got any suggestions?? I can use the help & would love to hear from you. Throw your 2 cents in. If you were sick & couldnt really do anything what would you do to occupy your time & mind???

I look forward to hearing some responses


PEACE

A week Day

So it's day 7. One full week out of the hospital & while I'm still scared I have also made progress every day.

Last night 2 friends hitched up their trailer & went & got my bike. And my grill. I rode along & picked up a few miscellaneous items. Was rushing around the house which is a total disaster since no one has been living ther for months & I wasnt that into cleaning when I was so sick. The place is a mess.

But there I was, rushing around, picking up little things I needed. Carrying a little more weight than recommended. & they took over the rest. Bike, supplies, Grill. All loaded & strapped into place in a few minutes time.

I have been worried sick about that bike being alone in that neighborhood for SO long & in just a few minutes it was loaded & whisked away to happier places. A huge weight off my shoulders.

And even with that I forgot to grab some things in my rush. Eventually I'll get them or be healthy enough to go clean the place up some. Standing in the middle of my disassembled living room I had the thought that I'll never live alone again. That could be a good thing or a bad thing but I will always have to have someone around for help with things. It;s a hard pill to swallow.

So its back into the truck & off we go. Headed for home. Stopped once to grab a drink for the road and away we went. The unload was quicker than the load itself. Had 3 extra sets of hands with Sis, & niece & friend. It was done. FINALLY.

Sis and niece had gone to eat mexican. They brought me home something. chili rellenos & a chicken enchilada. Yeah I know. Probably shouldnt eat that stuff. Thought the rellenos was gonna get me but it was the enchilada sauce that bit back. Turned my stomach into a gymnast in training for the Olympic games. I'm here to tell ya. Like I dont have enough to deal with.

It was tasty. And I hadnt eaten in awhile. I ate every thing on the plates. Sucked it up like I was never gonna eat again. Took my meds. Milled about for a few. Put some things away. Tried to tidy up my space. In a small place there's a place for everything & everything MUST be in its place.

I'm still working on getting all that down pat & cleaning out what doesnt belong. It's gonna take awhile with my limited capacities but I'm making progress every day. Thats what counts.

But then the exhaustion hit. No TV. Just slumber. I was asleep a little after 10pm. I woke up around 4am. Had a drink & a little something to settle the stomach and feed the beast. Then back to bed & didnt wake up again til almost 9.

I guess I overdid it a bit. But this morning I feel good. A little tired. A little sore. A little sick from the med cocktail. But all that will pass as I get moving along with my day.

Don't see this as being a big day. May go out to do a couple of things. When I get off here I'm taking my morning walk. I may do it without the walker to aid me. I didnt take it with me last night & did OK. Just more progress. And thats making me happy. I'm not focusing on all the things around me as much as just focused on my little bubble. And in that way the little things seem much bigger. And as I grow so will the bubble. I know this. Just have to stay disciplined.

Tomorrow? Well its my first clinic day. I dont know what to expect but I know they're not gonna cook me & eat me so we'll see what happens. Then its a follow up appt later in the day with the surgeon to check on all my wounds & incisions he made. I figure that to be a big day that will lead to a tiresome evening. I wish I hadnt forgotten my radio. I have no music when in private except the same tunes off my phone.

Damnit! rushed around too much. Never even looked at my list or would have seen it on there. Maybe I can give a gentle nudge to Sis today about getting a cable guy out here for a hook up.

So, off I go. Morning walk. I'm a little late for it but it waits for me. Today I venture outside the proprty lines of this place & walk down the roda a little ways. Put some incline & decline in the walk. Soon I hope to be doing thatn on grassy knolls. But not quite yet. One thing at a time.

So far, so good. I hope you have a good day too. That you are able to see your accomplishments & triumphs regardless of their size. Big buildings come from little bricks. Think I'll start building some more right now.

Love you guys for your support. I'm still trying.

PEACE!!

Monday...does everybody hate mondays?

So I woke up early. Didn't feel quite right. Everything takes longer for me now. Including rolling out of bed. I did all my morning tasks. Check my machine & its numbers. Weight. I've lost 14 lbs since being home. Thats FIVE days. It's all been the fluid build up in my body. Edema, they call it. Had my feet swollen so bad it would sting to move a toe. So I sleep with my feet raised. About a foot or so above my head & i take a diuretic at night. Seems to be working. We'll see what the Dr thinks come Thursday.

So after my morning tasks I felt isolated. One kid asleep in his bed. who knows when he came in. Another kid asleep in mom's bed. She took advantage of the rules a little last night but I have to say she did great watching over me while Sis went on her trip. Hope she got what she needed from it. should be home late today.

I was told I'd have good days & bad ones. I had a pretty good day yesterday. 2 walks in for a total of 20 minutes.  Worked out my hands & forearms with my stress ball. 150 squeezes each hand. Today I try to stay the same or get better. But I'm tired. The pain came this morning. The one that feels like your chest is caving in. Its the sternum grinding against itself trying to fuse back together. Its a strange feeling but almost incapacitating when it hits hard. You just put pressure against your chest. Like squeezing a pillow & hang on til it subsides. Pain pill.

I had some breakfast. Had it out on the deck. It was a little wet with dew. Made me nervous about water & my electronics. A breeze was blowing thru. And there was silence. Not a dog or person or bird or critter or even leaves making any noise. Total complete Silence. Almost eerie. It didnt last long but while it was there it caught my attention. Brought out some of the loneliness. So I turned on the mp3 & rocked out a little. My journey is my own. I'm only lonely if I choose to be. Regardless of how it beats & gnaws at me. Once I do enough work I will be surrounded by people who have experienced the exact same surgery & at least some of the emotions I deal with. And my social circle will begin to grow. I must remain patient. Steadfast. Small steps. How do you climb a mountain? one step at a time.

Took my morning meds. Made a couple phone calls. Business related. They jump on you quick. I've had stuff like that from the first day I got home. No rest from the business world. Took another pain pill. 2 is a full dose. I've been only taking one at a time and try to be a tough guy after that. Today? I think I'll just let the pain killer fog wash over me. maybe watch some TV. Get some more sleep after awhile. Take it easy.

Thats the instructions. If I'm having a worn down day. Don't push. Just accept what my body is telling me & chill out. That's so hard for me to do. But I have things to study. Before or after my high. But I can feel it coming. A little stomach upset from the narcotic and a fog rolling in. So I'm done for now. gonna find a comfy spot & let the day unfurl as it wants to. I'll get my walks in around lunch & dinner. Seems like such small things to do. But so hard to do them. Makes me feel like less of a man for not being able to do such simple things.

But that's just not true. Patience. Diligence. short term goals. I'm trying.

Peace.

I'd really like to hear from you. Anything would be cool. You can stay anonymous or come see me on facebook. Just have alot to give back but no one to give it to right now.

Brand new DAY

So I read my last post. Creepy. I knew it was coming. could feel it. I didnt quite code on the table but came as close as one could. And then the rest of the story unfolds.

I'm not going to try to explain it all now. There's too much. But I'm compiling some notes from Sis and others about the stuff I cant remember or was unconscious for. I'm gonna try to put them together in a book form maybe. I dunno yet. But I did come up with a title. The LVAD Diaries.

See my life now isnt really my own. I owe so much to so many. I have to pay things forward as I can. I'm under the control of the devices keeping me alive & the people that maintain & tune them. But its OK. I'm happy to be here.

So, I'm the same guy. Kinda. But most has changed. And I have to do something with what has been given to me. I must make a difference in this life and forget the mistakes of the old one. It's a brand new day. I'm alive. Birds are chirping, flowers blooming, breeze blowing. And my out door walk went from 5 to 12 minutes today. I will get stronger. I'm kinda glad no one has really seen me. I'm frail & weak. still very much in the early stages of recovery. I still have pain from my incisions and what not. But for some reason I think I should just be able to go,go,go.  And so patience must be learned at a higher level. acceptance of small gains toward a larger goal is now my practice. As long as I stay under power & I can fight off the pain, I'm gonna be OK for whatever is left.

I will say this. This blog is changed too. No more will I speak of things the way I have done in the past. The bitterness & harshness remain. I just overcome that with the appreciation of all that is good.

I dont know if I can continue this blog under this title with these stories behind me. It may get stuffed away for a  better written word in a much different context.


PEACE!

26 days from Death's door & still going.