My mother would have been 68 yrs old today. It's her birthday today. It's also the day she died on in 2007.
Mom died on her 63rd birthday. July 8th, 2007.
Until you lose a caring mother it's impossible to know what that feels like.
Over the years I've known quite a few people who have lost their mother too. I feel for them. I can empathize. I also feel a sense of not being alone & a welcome to the club mentality. That last one seems strange to me but its there.
It's Sunday morning. All is quiet. As is usually the case around here during the 7, 8, 9. & sometimes 10 o'clock hours. If they aren't rushing around to get somewhere then no one here is usually up for the morning.
Eh, better for me I think. I like this time alone. It's the middle of the day & the night time that I don't like being alone so much.
But back to Mom. I miss her everyday. It's hard not to think about her. The person that loved & nurtured you more than anyone else ever will. Plus her imprint is on the things I do.
It's a funny statement when you hear someone say, "OMG, I'm turning into my mother."
But the truth is you were ALWAYS going to turn into your mother. You just didnt know it then.
Mom had faults. We all do. And you pick up on those too. You're not a carbon copy but little things stick with you.
Cooking. Mom was a great cook. Taught both my sister & I how. We're both pretty good cooks in our own right now. The kids arent interested in learning but they will be. And then it'll be tough. Maybe a fiasco or 2 along the way. OK by me...not my kids. But I didnt want to learn until I got out on my own either. I'm sure it will even itself out.
Dramas. Mom loved watching dramatic TV. And this was in a time before you had 100 channels to choose from. I can remember being home sick from school. The 'Price is Right' which is still on at the same time of day. Then it went into soap operas. God I hated those. But at night time Mom controlled the TV. I was the remote until TV's came with remote controls. I learned how to adjust rabbit ears too. But it was Dad that showed me the tin foil trick.
Cop shows, Medical shows. All that primetime junk that, honestly, I don't really watch anymore. I like the reality stuff better. If I'm gonna watch a crime drama then I'm gonna watch a real one. No scripts needed. But I was well versed in those shows from an early age. I watched Marcus Welby MD along with a whole host of shows that by just their name alone can take you back to a different place.
Now thats not to say we didnt get to watch stuff we as kids wanted to. We did.
But I also remember when we got a little older that mom & dad would go out more. Drinking mostly. We'd get left behind with a sitter or, later, by ourselves. I gues I was around 10 when that started happening. Sis woulda been 13 then so that sounds bout right.
Anyway, when they left they always had instructions. And let us know what there was to eat, so on, so forth. To this day I cant eat totino's frozen pizza or any type of pot pie. Just cant do it. I think I'm missing out sometimes with the pot pies but not the cheap, little plastic squares of fake pepperoni on cardboard crust. I see the new ads on TV for those now & I'm like no fuckin' way. There's all kinds of stuff I would suffer thru before eating one of those sonsofbitches again. Just bad memories.
Isnt that funny how you can associate bad times with things. Random things that in any other persons world would be totally insignificant but in yours it has made an impression on your psyche that will last the test of time.
Just like the memory of my mother. She will always be there. In some ways she's in my life more now than she was then. She's always with me now.
One of the best things I ever did was to go take care of her as she left the hospital following her cancer surgery. 5wks I spent with her. Cleaning, changing dressings, feeding thru the tube in her stomach. She couoldnt eat anymore so fed thru a tube. It was awful for her. She loved food too. But during the last she didnt get to enjoy any of it.
She couldnt really talk. Very little & it was a struggle. Lotes of notepads & written messages.
One thing I did though didnt need any words. I could still eat. Mom would buy stuff & keep it in the freezer. So I raided the freezer. Got some shrimp out one night. And made Shrimp Arabbiata. I dressed out the plate. It looked like a meal you would get at a 4 star restaurant by the time I was done.
Mom watched every move I made. When I could smell the cooking I got concerned because I didnt want to torment her. I hesitated & stopped. Asked if she was ok with it. She nodded it was fine. And I finished. When I got done I showed off my creation. She smiled an approving smile. And spoke a few words about how it looked so good & how she was proud of me. How I learned & taken things to another level. Which is what any parent wants for there child isnt it?
I ate. It was good. Really good. But bittersweet.
Some time later I had to leave. I hated to but I needed to try to work things out at home. That was falling apart too. Although I had a bit of a blind eye to it. I just knew I needed to get home & take care of my other family. A couple weeks later Dad & I went back to the house to start the moving process. See Dad had to find a new job. He did, in Florida. So we were gonna move the big heavy stuff ourselves & only son got drafted. No big deal. We spent a few days. Loaded truck & trailer beyond capacity & got ready to leave. We had forgotten something. A crystal chandelier. Mom came out the front door at a run. Well, what a run was for her. I jumped out. Grabbed the fixture, gave her a kiss, put it in the cab & we were off.
She was standing on the front porch. As I looked back I could see the pond & landscaping in the background. Took in the view of the house that Dad & I had built by hand, and my mother waving goodbye. A smile put on an un happy face. She was sad but she smiled anyway.
6 weeks later we got a call from the hospital. she was having trouble breathing. The home nurse took her to the emergency room. They said we should come. So at the drop of a hat my father was on a plane from fla. to Atl. where he met up with my sister & I and we all flew to StL.
When we got there she was unconscious. The cancer had come back. It had overtaken her in just those few short weeks. She never woke up again. We were all there til the last breath. Holding hands. Her surrounded by her family. No pain.
I can remember seeing the color of her face change when she died. It just drained away. I do remember that.
But the memory I always get when I just think of Mom is her standing on the front porch waving goodbye. Comforting me that she was OK when I think she knew she wasnt. Protective motherly instincts to the last.
At least thats the way I'm gonna carry it.
So on this Sunday, July 8, 2012 I wish my mother a happy birthday. A day of remeberance. And its nice to know that she is still with me wherever I go. Whatever I go thru. I can always close my eyes & see Mom.
PEACE!!!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
Clinic Day
So yesterday was clinic day. It was also a very long day. Clinic went fine. A few minor things. Prescripyion tweakings & what not but all in all, very positive. And everyone there was very complimentary & positive as well.
So, Clinic done. Oh wait, I got my shower bag yesterday. I'm sure you dont know what I'm talking about. There is this additional piece of equipment. Kinda looks like a messenger bag, that the system controller & batteries go into. Only the lead going into my body is exposed & apparently its healed enough that I can use this thing. And with this bag I can now take a shower. YAY!!! Can't wait. Read thru all the instructions last night & as soon as someone gets up this morning so I have a live body around in case something does happen I'm all about taking a shower. Imagine only being able to sponge bathe for 2 months.
Well thats all about to change. YAY!!! another bridge crossed.
After clinic Sis had an appt scheduled for a tattoo. Some signals got crossed but I did know about it. Thought things were gonna go down a different way but I ended up going with her. It was kinda fun but long. I was without some meds I woulda liked to have but I suffered thru. We ate lunch first at a little mom & pop joint called "vittles" It was packed @ 1145. Full of seniors, working guys & poor folk for the most part. It was right next to the tattoo parlor, It was good. It was cheap too. We got in & outta there for $10 total.
Works for me.
So sat thru about 3 1/2 hrs of tattooing. And her skin just couldnt take anymore so had to reschedule another session to finish up. It should be a cool piece & she has wanted it for a long time. Just not sure why she spends the money on things like that when money is an issue. I'm pretty sure she wont let me starve so whatever.
I thought about the work I would like to have done. Pieces I want finished. I couldnt do anything yesterday of course. Cant risk infection & stuff. Plus not tough enough to take that pain on top of what I already have. And lastly, I'm on blood thinners. IN the future I will have to notify Dr's & stuff to stop using those drugs in enough time so aI could get a tattoo.
I may never get that to happen. But its not the end of the world & its nothing I need to worry about right now anyway. But the thoughts crossed my mind so I share with you.
And that brings me to my bitch of the day. Gotta have something to rail on & I got a good one. Knew this would happen. Actually took longer than I thought.
Sis & I got into some discussions. Deeper, personal stuff, about me, who I am, who I've become. Apparently I'm negative & an asshole quite a bit of the time.
I don't think so. I do believe I'm more negative & I can be grumpy at times. Both of which are explainable & if you havent walked a mile in my shoes then you saved yourself from walking a mile. But you also can't understand. I've been beaten on for so long. This heart thing has been a dominant controlling factor in my life for over 15 yrs. People in white coats of authoritative natures have been telling me I'm at higher risk for falling over dead. POOF! than the next guy. It wears on you. I've been taking medicines everyday for over a third of my life.
It's always there. It never goes away. It has kept me living in a perpetual state of fear for a very long time.
It's depressing & With the other deaths & failures both personally & professionally I have been a beaten man.
I'm supposed to snap out of it. I have this gift now that gives me life but I'm afraid to live it. I'm also scared or worrysome about every little thing that comes my way now.
But it's all changed. It's all new. I think things are getting better everyday. & progress nis being made so over time, Sis' perception of me may change. Others perception of me may change. My perception of me may change. And thats probably most important.
But really, You can't know. You cant understand what its like. A few can empathize but for the most part its a foreign concept that most people just dont understand.
After having this discussion I realized that is why people have bailed on me in my times of trouble. I'm negative & bitter & beaten & angry. No shit! So either deal & help out or bolt. Most have chosen the latter. Whatever, I'm making new friends. Meeting new people. Those of which have been thru similar things & can relate more. It's comforting. It's gonna be a good thing
But even with that, I need help. Counselling to cope & process all this stuff in my head. Cuz I'm still emotional. Overly sensitive & basically, pretty mental. I'm gonna make some calls about getting some help for that.
And that brings me round to my bitch.
See, Sis knows I write this thing but she doesnt read it. She has said several times that if she did she wouold find something that would piss her off & that would create issues. And she's right. So I take it on faith that this is private for me, while being posted publically. (irony?) nAnd she writes her own stuff that I'm not involved with at all.
We don't pry or push into each others lives like that.
Now, I have said some things on here. I've bitched & moaned & complained about a lot of stuff. My sister being one of them. Lately a pronounced one. But know this. I love my sister. Very much. I'd take a bullet for her anytime. She HAS been there for me. When no one, & I mean no one else has. Some of you reading this have had the chance & opportunity to reach out & extend an olive branch or a hand up & you've turned the other way & acted like I wasnt there. Like you didnt notice or care. Shame on you. But fuck it. I don't need you. I'm dealing with it the best I can. And you havent been ther before so why worry about it now.
I'd welcome you but still, nothing. OK your choice. Here's where it crosses the line. Apparently people that are on both my friends list & my sisters friends list have read my blogs & then gone back to tell my sister..." Have you seen what your brother wrote?" He's an asshole." Among other things.
That's being a fuckiing GOSSIP. She doesnt need you to tell her what is in my blog. She could read it for herself. HELL! The fucking drafts are on HER computer. So you know who you are. Shut the fuck up & mind your own business. Quit getting into the middle of the only true blood family that either of us have anymore. Your comments to her &/or about me are not fucking welcome.
And so with that I willk be deleting alot of posts that I have had on here. I will be editing more & this will no longer be the raw emotional thin it started out as. I wont let un named source get between my family & I. Pray I don't find out EXACTLY who did what. I will fuck with your life if I do. Promise!
I cant believe that as old as we all are. As mature as we're supposed to be,n people act with such high school mentality. Guess evolution only goes so far.
And for clarification. This blog is raw. Totally raw. Just emotion & feeling felt at the time put down on a page. It's not exactly how I feel when I take the moment to breathe & really assess. Shame on you for not doing your research. For forming an opinion...NO! A judgment on me & what I'm about. You probably consider yourself a Christian & still behave like this. Pitiful.
Now I may say some unflattering things. And I may make comments that are inflammatory. And while there is some seed of truth to how I feel, this thing is an outlet plain & simple. A way to vent. And for like minded or empathetic people to relate with me.
Keep your nose out of my business. PERIOD!!!
But with that, I know that you can't be trusted to do that so I'm removing content. Each blog will be edited & re-written after I've given myself a full 24 hrs to rethink what I really want you to know or see.
No more just dumping my feelings onto a page. I could do that privately in a personal hand written journal but it just hasnt had the cleansing effect that this has. So, congratulations, Dysfunctional, judgmental, uninformed, uneducated opinion prevails & I will fall into the line where I censor myself to avoid the confrontation that inevitably comes from it.
Like I said earlier, I knew this was going to happen. It just took longer than I thought. Shameful.
You just cant take it for what it is. You cant leave it alone. Did you think you were helping? Protecting? What good could come from your actions? You're just stirring the pot. Trying to cause damage without even thinking about what you're doing.
FUCK! At least I know what I'm writing down. I know whats reality & whats just bitchin' And you twist it into something its not. Something you perceive that isnt reality for me or my sibling.
I've been hard on this family. They've been hard on me. None of us are perfect. But we do love each other & we do care enough to not leave each others side cuz that's how we were raised.
I've done enough of this today. I'm going back to delete the catalog of blogs that came before this. And rest assured, you have closed off an outlet for me to be expressive & release the negative things I keep inside. Congrats again & thanks SO much for helping...Fucking gossipy cunts.
PEACE!!! Its a state of mind. A way to handle things. I wish & strive for PEACE.
I'd say I'd pray for you but I wont. Id say I forgive you, but I dont. You have interfered & taken from me & my family. I'll admit to exposing myself & my family but you must live with the fact that you took what was pure emotion & used at as a weapon against me. Against us.
For those of you who have followed along & understood where I've been coming from. What is real & what is ranting, I apologize but this thing will never be the same again & it probably wont be long befor e it no longer exists & I'm on to different things.
So for now.....FUCK OFF BITCHES!
OH yeah, after the long car ride home. The pain I was feeling & the pain she waqs feeling & our discussions, we had dinner @ a mexican joint. It was pretty good. Taco salad for me. It was the special of the day. No sour cream thank you. Still wasnt overly healthy but my numbers are good right now & I've stabilized in weight due to my diet change. And those script tweakings I mentioned earlier all reflect that. So after dinner we came home relaxed, took care of our own personal issues & she went to bed early I hung out for a while & watched some TV til the night time go sleepy meds kicked in. First theres a groggy kinda high (which is the nonly time I get to use drugs recreationally anymore & then there comes the Gonna fall asleep in my soup kinda thing. Followed by bobbing head & finally submission that its time for bed. I slept about 7 hrs. Its 1000 bnow & I'nm still the only one up & about. It was a tiring 2 days for all of us. Nephew is alrweady at work this morning so Cant leave him out. He's doing his thing. But sis & niece....still crashed out hard.
Its OK I like the quiet. And yes I did make the choice long ago to remain alone...Single is what they call it but basically, you're alone. My reasons were regrettable but I made my choices then. I have to deal with the consequences of those now. Just like my progressive heart disease. You have to deal with what youve done. Maybe not immediately but eventually it comes back on you.
Just like this will come back on those who did wrong here. Karma is a bitch. It will get you. Of that I'm fairly certain.
I'm out. To my friends & followers...Enjoy the day. To those who mean to do harm consciously or not. Go jump.
I'm out
So, Clinic done. Oh wait, I got my shower bag yesterday. I'm sure you dont know what I'm talking about. There is this additional piece of equipment. Kinda looks like a messenger bag, that the system controller & batteries go into. Only the lead going into my body is exposed & apparently its healed enough that I can use this thing. And with this bag I can now take a shower. YAY!!! Can't wait. Read thru all the instructions last night & as soon as someone gets up this morning so I have a live body around in case something does happen I'm all about taking a shower. Imagine only being able to sponge bathe for 2 months.
Well thats all about to change. YAY!!! another bridge crossed.
After clinic Sis had an appt scheduled for a tattoo. Some signals got crossed but I did know about it. Thought things were gonna go down a different way but I ended up going with her. It was kinda fun but long. I was without some meds I woulda liked to have but I suffered thru. We ate lunch first at a little mom & pop joint called "vittles" It was packed @ 1145. Full of seniors, working guys & poor folk for the most part. It was right next to the tattoo parlor, It was good. It was cheap too. We got in & outta there for $10 total.
Works for me.
So sat thru about 3 1/2 hrs of tattooing. And her skin just couldnt take anymore so had to reschedule another session to finish up. It should be a cool piece & she has wanted it for a long time. Just not sure why she spends the money on things like that when money is an issue. I'm pretty sure she wont let me starve so whatever.
I thought about the work I would like to have done. Pieces I want finished. I couldnt do anything yesterday of course. Cant risk infection & stuff. Plus not tough enough to take that pain on top of what I already have. And lastly, I'm on blood thinners. IN the future I will have to notify Dr's & stuff to stop using those drugs in enough time so aI could get a tattoo.
I may never get that to happen. But its not the end of the world & its nothing I need to worry about right now anyway. But the thoughts crossed my mind so I share with you.
And that brings me to my bitch of the day. Gotta have something to rail on & I got a good one. Knew this would happen. Actually took longer than I thought.
Sis & I got into some discussions. Deeper, personal stuff, about me, who I am, who I've become. Apparently I'm negative & an asshole quite a bit of the time.
I don't think so. I do believe I'm more negative & I can be grumpy at times. Both of which are explainable & if you havent walked a mile in my shoes then you saved yourself from walking a mile. But you also can't understand. I've been beaten on for so long. This heart thing has been a dominant controlling factor in my life for over 15 yrs. People in white coats of authoritative natures have been telling me I'm at higher risk for falling over dead. POOF! than the next guy. It wears on you. I've been taking medicines everyday for over a third of my life.
It's always there. It never goes away. It has kept me living in a perpetual state of fear for a very long time.
It's depressing & With the other deaths & failures both personally & professionally I have been a beaten man.
I'm supposed to snap out of it. I have this gift now that gives me life but I'm afraid to live it. I'm also scared or worrysome about every little thing that comes my way now.
But it's all changed. It's all new. I think things are getting better everyday. & progress nis being made so over time, Sis' perception of me may change. Others perception of me may change. My perception of me may change. And thats probably most important.
But really, You can't know. You cant understand what its like. A few can empathize but for the most part its a foreign concept that most people just dont understand.
After having this discussion I realized that is why people have bailed on me in my times of trouble. I'm negative & bitter & beaten & angry. No shit! So either deal & help out or bolt. Most have chosen the latter. Whatever, I'm making new friends. Meeting new people. Those of which have been thru similar things & can relate more. It's comforting. It's gonna be a good thing
But even with that, I need help. Counselling to cope & process all this stuff in my head. Cuz I'm still emotional. Overly sensitive & basically, pretty mental. I'm gonna make some calls about getting some help for that.
And that brings me round to my bitch.
See, Sis knows I write this thing but she doesnt read it. She has said several times that if she did she wouold find something that would piss her off & that would create issues. And she's right. So I take it on faith that this is private for me, while being posted publically. (irony?) nAnd she writes her own stuff that I'm not involved with at all.
We don't pry or push into each others lives like that.
Now, I have said some things on here. I've bitched & moaned & complained about a lot of stuff. My sister being one of them. Lately a pronounced one. But know this. I love my sister. Very much. I'd take a bullet for her anytime. She HAS been there for me. When no one, & I mean no one else has. Some of you reading this have had the chance & opportunity to reach out & extend an olive branch or a hand up & you've turned the other way & acted like I wasnt there. Like you didnt notice or care. Shame on you. But fuck it. I don't need you. I'm dealing with it the best I can. And you havent been ther before so why worry about it now.
I'd welcome you but still, nothing. OK your choice. Here's where it crosses the line. Apparently people that are on both my friends list & my sisters friends list have read my blogs & then gone back to tell my sister..." Have you seen what your brother wrote?" He's an asshole." Among other things.
That's being a fuckiing GOSSIP. She doesnt need you to tell her what is in my blog. She could read it for herself. HELL! The fucking drafts are on HER computer. So you know who you are. Shut the fuck up & mind your own business. Quit getting into the middle of the only true blood family that either of us have anymore. Your comments to her &/or about me are not fucking welcome.
And so with that I willk be deleting alot of posts that I have had on here. I will be editing more & this will no longer be the raw emotional thin it started out as. I wont let un named source get between my family & I. Pray I don't find out EXACTLY who did what. I will fuck with your life if I do. Promise!
I cant believe that as old as we all are. As mature as we're supposed to be,n people act with such high school mentality. Guess evolution only goes so far.
And for clarification. This blog is raw. Totally raw. Just emotion & feeling felt at the time put down on a page. It's not exactly how I feel when I take the moment to breathe & really assess. Shame on you for not doing your research. For forming an opinion...NO! A judgment on me & what I'm about. You probably consider yourself a Christian & still behave like this. Pitiful.
Now I may say some unflattering things. And I may make comments that are inflammatory. And while there is some seed of truth to how I feel, this thing is an outlet plain & simple. A way to vent. And for like minded or empathetic people to relate with me.
Keep your nose out of my business. PERIOD!!!
But with that, I know that you can't be trusted to do that so I'm removing content. Each blog will be edited & re-written after I've given myself a full 24 hrs to rethink what I really want you to know or see.
No more just dumping my feelings onto a page. I could do that privately in a personal hand written journal but it just hasnt had the cleansing effect that this has. So, congratulations, Dysfunctional, judgmental, uninformed, uneducated opinion prevails & I will fall into the line where I censor myself to avoid the confrontation that inevitably comes from it.
Like I said earlier, I knew this was going to happen. It just took longer than I thought. Shameful.
You just cant take it for what it is. You cant leave it alone. Did you think you were helping? Protecting? What good could come from your actions? You're just stirring the pot. Trying to cause damage without even thinking about what you're doing.
FUCK! At least I know what I'm writing down. I know whats reality & whats just bitchin' And you twist it into something its not. Something you perceive that isnt reality for me or my sibling.
I've been hard on this family. They've been hard on me. None of us are perfect. But we do love each other & we do care enough to not leave each others side cuz that's how we were raised.
I've done enough of this today. I'm going back to delete the catalog of blogs that came before this. And rest assured, you have closed off an outlet for me to be expressive & release the negative things I keep inside. Congrats again & thanks SO much for helping...Fucking gossipy cunts.
PEACE!!! Its a state of mind. A way to handle things. I wish & strive for PEACE.
I'd say I'd pray for you but I wont. Id say I forgive you, but I dont. You have interfered & taken from me & my family. I'll admit to exposing myself & my family but you must live with the fact that you took what was pure emotion & used at as a weapon against me. Against us.
For those of you who have followed along & understood where I've been coming from. What is real & what is ranting, I apologize but this thing will never be the same again & it probably wont be long befor e it no longer exists & I'm on to different things.
So for now.....FUCK OFF BITCHES!
OH yeah, after the long car ride home. The pain I was feeling & the pain she waqs feeling & our discussions, we had dinner @ a mexican joint. It was pretty good. Taco salad for me. It was the special of the day. No sour cream thank you. Still wasnt overly healthy but my numbers are good right now & I've stabilized in weight due to my diet change. And those script tweakings I mentioned earlier all reflect that. So after dinner we came home relaxed, took care of our own personal issues & she went to bed early I hung out for a while & watched some TV til the night time go sleepy meds kicked in. First theres a groggy kinda high (which is the nonly time I get to use drugs recreationally anymore & then there comes the Gonna fall asleep in my soup kinda thing. Followed by bobbing head & finally submission that its time for bed. I slept about 7 hrs. Its 1000 bnow & I'nm still the only one up & about. It was a tiring 2 days for all of us. Nephew is alrweady at work this morning so Cant leave him out. He's doing his thing. But sis & niece....still crashed out hard.
Its OK I like the quiet. And yes I did make the choice long ago to remain alone...Single is what they call it but basically, you're alone. My reasons were regrettable but I made my choices then. I have to deal with the consequences of those now. Just like my progressive heart disease. You have to deal with what youve done. Maybe not immediately but eventually it comes back on you.
Just like this will come back on those who did wrong here. Karma is a bitch. It will get you. Of that I'm fairly certain.
I'm out. To my friends & followers...Enjoy the day. To those who mean to do harm consciously or not. Go jump.
I'm out
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
my normal day
My normal day should consist of a few things. The chores I have with my machine & batteries.
The cleaning & dressing of my wound site.
Food. Lots of food.
Meds. Gotta take them at pretty much the same time everyday.
And log all of this in a nice little binder.
It's not hard but it does take some getting used to.
I had a draft of a blog from Sunday but it just wasnt what I wanted to say or, more importantly, the attitude I wanted to convey. It's tough around here. I think I've let that be known. No need to dwell. Right? Either offer up a solution or go on to something else.
So that's what I'm trying to do.
Yesterday it was cool in the morning. The sun hadn't yet burned off the previous nights rain. So it wasnt God awful humid yet. The cushions were wet on the deck chairs so it was tie for me to get back on scheduke & go for a walk.
I did. And, I did good. The furthest I've gone so far but didnt increase my time walking. Which was a little bit of a bummer but I hadnt done it in a couple of days & I did make a difference in distance.
I must be getting faster. Which means I'm performing better. Just not for long periods of time. About 15-17 minutes is what I walked. Dont really know a distance. But after the walk I came straight in went to my room & started an upper body workout. Got clearance last thurs but with light weights. I'm using 1 lb weights. That sounds so wimpy & weak. But I did all exercises to the point of failure/exhaustion of each muscle or group. Seemed to be about 50 reps each working bi's tri's, shoulders back & limited chest. No butterflys. Dr's orders. I do still have a split sternum.
All in all it took about 35 minutes to do it. Maybe closer to an hour. But I did it. The intimidation was gone.
Today I stepped out early. It seemed hot & humid. Sis got up a little bit later. Then she said it didnt feel that bad outside. I should go for a walk. So I did.
Walked even further then the day before. Still havent increased my endurance. So I'm moving better. No walker anymore. I retired it. Getting faster & feel my stride becoming more natural until I'm tired & going up hill. Then the steps get shorter & a little shuffling of the feet. But I keep my phone on me. & I'm carrying a walking stick. Just in case.
But I'll tell you one thing. This vest for my batteries has to go. Need some new engineering. It's constantly pulling on my shoulders & back. Makes it hard to keep a decent posture.
The stuff advertised is WAY too expensive for me to afford right now. But there is one guy that I know of that re-did his own. I may have to call him.
Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive. May get in a light arms & calves workout later today. And its definitely sponge bath time. Anybody wanna help with that?
Tomorrow is 4th of July. We are going to Sis' BF's house in douglasville. Thats kinda a long way & I'm a bit intimidated by that. Don't know how long we're gonna be there & that freaks me out some too. We're eating early but sis wants to stay out or go somewhere for fireworks. I may request a drop off at home or something. Not sure how all this is gonna work. But I'm charging all my batteries. Double checking my emergency kit. It seemed a big step but its coming more into proportion. I have to get on with my life. Just not sure how to do that when I'm under the infloence of lithium ions.
Have a great holiday if I dont talk to you again. I'm not staying behind & missing my mothers brisket recipe. And I'm not holding back on the BBQ fare tomorrow. If I'm gonna risk it then I'm gonna enjoy myself. Diet stops tomorrow. A one day reprive. Hope everyone understands.....And it doesnt screw up my blood numbers this week.
PEACE!!!
The cleaning & dressing of my wound site.
Food. Lots of food.
Meds. Gotta take them at pretty much the same time everyday.
And log all of this in a nice little binder.
It's not hard but it does take some getting used to.
I had a draft of a blog from Sunday but it just wasnt what I wanted to say or, more importantly, the attitude I wanted to convey. It's tough around here. I think I've let that be known. No need to dwell. Right? Either offer up a solution or go on to something else.
So that's what I'm trying to do.
Yesterday it was cool in the morning. The sun hadn't yet burned off the previous nights rain. So it wasnt God awful humid yet. The cushions were wet on the deck chairs so it was tie for me to get back on scheduke & go for a walk.
I did. And, I did good. The furthest I've gone so far but didnt increase my time walking. Which was a little bit of a bummer but I hadnt done it in a couple of days & I did make a difference in distance.
I must be getting faster. Which means I'm performing better. Just not for long periods of time. About 15-17 minutes is what I walked. Dont really know a distance. But after the walk I came straight in went to my room & started an upper body workout. Got clearance last thurs but with light weights. I'm using 1 lb weights. That sounds so wimpy & weak. But I did all exercises to the point of failure/exhaustion of each muscle or group. Seemed to be about 50 reps each working bi's tri's, shoulders back & limited chest. No butterflys. Dr's orders. I do still have a split sternum.
All in all it took about 35 minutes to do it. Maybe closer to an hour. But I did it. The intimidation was gone.
Today I stepped out early. It seemed hot & humid. Sis got up a little bit later. Then she said it didnt feel that bad outside. I should go for a walk. So I did.
Walked even further then the day before. Still havent increased my endurance. So I'm moving better. No walker anymore. I retired it. Getting faster & feel my stride becoming more natural until I'm tired & going up hill. Then the steps get shorter & a little shuffling of the feet. But I keep my phone on me. & I'm carrying a walking stick. Just in case.
But I'll tell you one thing. This vest for my batteries has to go. Need some new engineering. It's constantly pulling on my shoulders & back. Makes it hard to keep a decent posture.
The stuff advertised is WAY too expensive for me to afford right now. But there is one guy that I know of that re-did his own. I may have to call him.
Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive. May get in a light arms & calves workout later today. And its definitely sponge bath time. Anybody wanna help with that?
Tomorrow is 4th of July. We are going to Sis' BF's house in douglasville. Thats kinda a long way & I'm a bit intimidated by that. Don't know how long we're gonna be there & that freaks me out some too. We're eating early but sis wants to stay out or go somewhere for fireworks. I may request a drop off at home or something. Not sure how all this is gonna work. But I'm charging all my batteries. Double checking my emergency kit. It seemed a big step but its coming more into proportion. I have to get on with my life. Just not sure how to do that when I'm under the infloence of lithium ions.
Have a great holiday if I dont talk to you again. I'm not staying behind & missing my mothers brisket recipe. And I'm not holding back on the BBQ fare tomorrow. If I'm gonna risk it then I'm gonna enjoy myself. Diet stops tomorrow. A one day reprive. Hope everyone understands.....And it doesnt screw up my blood numbers this week.
PEACE!!!
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