Clinic Day

So yesterday was clinic day. It was also a very long day. Clinic went fine. A few minor things. Prescripyion tweakings & what not but all in all, very positive. And everyone there was very complimentary & positive as well.

So, Clinic done. Oh wait, I got my shower bag yesterday. I'm sure you dont know what I'm talking about. There is this additional piece of equipment. Kinda looks like a messenger bag, that the system controller & batteries go into. Only the lead going into my body is exposed & apparently its healed enough that I can use this thing. And with this bag I can now take a shower. YAY!!! Can't wait. Read thru all the instructions last night & as soon as someone gets up this morning so I have a live body around in case something does happen I'm all about taking a shower. Imagine only being able to sponge bathe for 2 months.

Well thats all about to change. YAY!!! another bridge crossed.

After clinic Sis had an appt scheduled for a tattoo. Some signals got crossed  but I did know about it. Thought things were gonna go down a different way but I ended up going with her. It was kinda fun but long. I was without some meds I woulda liked to have but I suffered thru. We ate lunch first at a little mom & pop joint called "vittles" It was packed @ 1145. Full of seniors, working guys & poor folk for the most part. It was right next to the tattoo parlor, It was good. It was cheap too. We got in & outta there for $10 total.

Works for me.

So sat thru about 3 1/2 hrs of tattooing. And her skin just couldnt take anymore so had to reschedule another session to finish up. It should be a cool piece & she has wanted it for a long time. Just not sure why she spends the money on things like that when money is an issue. I'm pretty sure she wont let me starve so whatever.

I thought about the work I would like to have done. Pieces I want finished. I couldnt do anything yesterday of course. Cant risk infection & stuff. Plus not tough enough to take that pain on top of what I already have. And lastly, I'm on blood thinners. IN the future I will have to notify Dr's & stuff to stop using those drugs in enough time so aI could get a tattoo.

I may never get that to happen. But its not the end of the world & its nothing I need to worry about right now anyway. But the thoughts crossed my mind so I share with you.

And that brings me to my bitch of the day. Gotta have something to rail on & I got a good one. Knew this would happen. Actually took longer than I thought.

Sis & I got into some discussions. Deeper, personal stuff, about me, who I am, who I've become. Apparently I'm negative & an asshole quite a bit of the time.

I don't think so. I do believe I'm more negative & I can be grumpy at times. Both of which are explainable & if you havent walked a mile in my shoes then you saved yourself from walking a mile. But you also can't understand. I've been beaten on for so long. This heart thing has been a dominant controlling factor in my life for over 15 yrs. People in white coats of authoritative natures have been telling me I'm at higher risk for falling over dead. POOF! than the next guy. It wears on you. I've been taking medicines everyday for over a third of my life.

It's always there. It never goes away. It has kept me living in a perpetual state of fear for a very long time.
It's depressing & With the other deaths & failures both personally & professionally I have been a beaten man.

I'm supposed to snap out of it. I have this gift now that gives me life but I'm afraid to live it. I'm also scared or worrysome about every little thing that comes my way now.

But it's all changed. It's all new. I think things are getting better everyday. & progress nis being made so over time, Sis' perception of me may change. Others perception of me may change. My perception of me may change. And thats probably most important.

But really, You can't know. You cant understand what its like. A few can empathize but for the most part its a foreign concept that most people just dont understand.

After having this discussion I realized that is why people have bailed on me in my times of trouble. I'm negative & bitter & beaten & angry. No shit! So either deal & help out or bolt. Most have chosen the latter. Whatever, I'm making new friends. Meeting new people. Those of which have been thru similar things & can relate more. It's comforting. It's gonna be a good thing

But even with that, I need help. Counselling to cope & process all this stuff in my head. Cuz I'm still emotional. Overly sensitive & basically, pretty mental. I'm gonna make some calls about getting some help for that.

And that brings me round to my bitch.

See, Sis knows I write this thing but she doesnt read it. She has said several times that if she did she wouold find something that would piss her off & that would create issues. And she's right. So I take it on faith that this is private for me, while being posted publically. (irony?) nAnd she writes her own stuff that I'm not involved with at all.

We don't pry or push into each others lives like that.

Now, I have said some things on here. I've bitched & moaned & complained about a lot of stuff. My sister being one of them. Lately a pronounced one. But know this. I love my sister. Very much. I'd take a bullet for her anytime. She HAS been there for me. When no one, & I mean no one else has. Some of you reading this have had the chance & opportunity to reach out & extend an olive branch or a hand up & you've turned the other way & acted like I wasnt there. Like you didnt notice or care. Shame on you. But fuck it. I don't need you. I'm dealing with it the best I can. And you havent been ther before so why worry about it now.

I'd welcome you but still, nothing. OK your choice. Here's where it crosses the line. Apparently people that are on both my friends list & my sisters friends list have read my blogs & then gone back to tell my sister..." Have you seen what your brother wrote?" He's an asshole." Among other things.

That's being a fuckiing GOSSIP. She doesnt need you to tell her what is in my blog. She could read it for herself. HELL! The fucking drafts are on HER computer. So you know who you are. Shut the fuck up & mind your own business. Quit getting into the middle of the only true blood family that either of us have anymore. Your comments to her &/or about me are not fucking welcome.

And so with that I willk be deleting alot of posts that I have had on here. I will be editing more & this will no longer be the raw emotional thin it started out as. I wont let un named source get between my family & I. Pray I don't find out EXACTLY who did what. I will fuck with your life if I do. Promise!

I cant believe that as old as we all are. As mature as we're supposed to be,n people act with such high school mentality. Guess evolution only goes so far.

And for clarification. This blog is raw. Totally raw. Just emotion & feeling felt at the time put down on a page. It's not exactly how I feel when I take the moment to breathe & really assess. Shame on you for not doing your research. For forming an opinion...NO! A judgment on me & what I'm about. You probably consider yourself a Christian & still behave like this. Pitiful.

Now I may say some unflattering things. And I may make comments that are inflammatory. And while there is some seed of truth to how I feel, this thing is an outlet plain & simple. A way to vent. And for like minded or empathetic people to relate with me.

Keep your nose out of my business. PERIOD!!!

But with that, I know that you can't be trusted to do that so I'm removing content. Each blog will be edited & re-written after I've given myself a full 24 hrs to rethink what I really want you to know or see.

No more just dumping my feelings onto a page. I could do that privately in a personal hand written journal but it just hasnt had the cleansing effect that this has. So, congratulations, Dysfunctional, judgmental, uninformed, uneducated opinion prevails & I will fall into the line where I censor myself to avoid the confrontation that inevitably comes from it.

Like I said earlier, I knew this was going to happen. It just took longer than I thought. Shameful.

You just cant take it for what it is. You cant leave it alone. Did you think you were helping? Protecting? What good could come from your actions? You're just stirring the pot. Trying to cause damage without even thinking about what you're doing.

FUCK! At least I know what I'm writing down. I know whats reality & whats just bitchin' And you twist it into something its not. Something you perceive that isnt reality for me or my sibling.

I've been hard on this family. They've been hard on me. None of us are perfect. But we do love each other & we do care enough to not leave each others side cuz that's how we were raised.

I've done enough of this today. I'm going back to delete the catalog of blogs that came before this. And rest assured, you have closed off an outlet for me to be expressive & release the negative things I keep inside. Congrats again & thanks SO much for helping...Fucking gossipy cunts.

PEACE!!! Its a state of mind. A way to handle things. I wish & strive for PEACE.

I'd say I'd pray for you but I wont. Id say I forgive you, but I dont. You have interfered & taken from me & my family. I'll admit to exposing myself & my family but you must live with the fact that you took what was pure emotion & used at as a weapon against me. Against us.

For those of you who have followed along & understood where I've been coming from. What is real & what is ranting, I apologize but this thing will never be the same again & it probably wont be long befor e it no longer exists & I'm on to different things.

So for now.....FUCK OFF BITCHES!


OH yeah, after the long car ride home. The pain I was feeling & the pain she waqs feeling & our discussions, we had dinner @ a mexican joint. It was pretty good. Taco salad for me. It was the special of the day. No sour cream thank you. Still wasnt overly healthy but my numbers are good right now & I've stabilized in weight due to my diet change. And those script tweakings I mentioned earlier all reflect that. So after dinner we came home relaxed, took care of our own personal issues & she went to bed early I hung out for a while & watched some TV til the night time go sleepy meds kicked in. First theres a groggy kinda high (which is the nonly time I get to use drugs recreationally anymore & then there comes the Gonna fall asleep in my soup kinda thing. Followed by bobbing head & finally submission that its time for bed.  I slept about 7 hrs. Its 1000 bnow & I'nm still the only one up & about. It was a tiring 2 days for all of us. Nephew is alrweady at work this morning so Cant leave him out. He's doing his thing. But sis & niece....still crashed out hard.

Its OK I like the quiet. And yes I did make the choice long ago to remain alone...Single is what they call it but basically, you're alone. My reasons were regrettable but I made my choices then. I have to deal with the consequences of those now. Just like my progressive heart disease. You have to deal with what youve done. Maybe not immediately but eventually it comes back on you.

Just like this will come back on those who did wrong here. Karma is a bitch. It will get you. Of that I'm fairly certain.

I'm out. To my friends & followers...Enjoy the day. To those who mean to do harm consciously or not. Go jump.

I'm out