Monday...does everybody hate mondays?

So I woke up early. Didn't feel quite right. Everything takes longer for me now. Including rolling out of bed. I did all my morning tasks. Check my machine & its numbers. Weight. I've lost 14 lbs since being home. Thats FIVE days. It's all been the fluid build up in my body. Edema, they call it. Had my feet swollen so bad it would sting to move a toe. So I sleep with my feet raised. About a foot or so above my head & i take a diuretic at night. Seems to be working. We'll see what the Dr thinks come Thursday.

So after my morning tasks I felt isolated. One kid asleep in his bed. who knows when he came in. Another kid asleep in mom's bed. She took advantage of the rules a little last night but I have to say she did great watching over me while Sis went on her trip. Hope she got what she needed from it. should be home late today.

I was told I'd have good days & bad ones. I had a pretty good day yesterday. 2 walks in for a total of 20 minutes.  Worked out my hands & forearms with my stress ball. 150 squeezes each hand. Today I try to stay the same or get better. But I'm tired. The pain came this morning. The one that feels like your chest is caving in. Its the sternum grinding against itself trying to fuse back together. Its a strange feeling but almost incapacitating when it hits hard. You just put pressure against your chest. Like squeezing a pillow & hang on til it subsides. Pain pill.

I had some breakfast. Had it out on the deck. It was a little wet with dew. Made me nervous about water & my electronics. A breeze was blowing thru. And there was silence. Not a dog or person or bird or critter or even leaves making any noise. Total complete Silence. Almost eerie. It didnt last long but while it was there it caught my attention. Brought out some of the loneliness. So I turned on the mp3 & rocked out a little. My journey is my own. I'm only lonely if I choose to be. Regardless of how it beats & gnaws at me. Once I do enough work I will be surrounded by people who have experienced the exact same surgery & at least some of the emotions I deal with. And my social circle will begin to grow. I must remain patient. Steadfast. Small steps. How do you climb a mountain? one step at a time.

Took my morning meds. Made a couple phone calls. Business related. They jump on you quick. I've had stuff like that from the first day I got home. No rest from the business world. Took another pain pill. 2 is a full dose. I've been only taking one at a time and try to be a tough guy after that. Today? I think I'll just let the pain killer fog wash over me. maybe watch some TV. Get some more sleep after awhile. Take it easy.

Thats the instructions. If I'm having a worn down day. Don't push. Just accept what my body is telling me & chill out. That's so hard for me to do. But I have things to study. Before or after my high. But I can feel it coming. A little stomach upset from the narcotic and a fog rolling in. So I'm done for now. gonna find a comfy spot & let the day unfurl as it wants to. I'll get my walks in around lunch & dinner. Seems like such small things to do. But so hard to do them. Makes me feel like less of a man for not being able to do such simple things.

But that's just not true. Patience. Diligence. short term goals. I'm trying.

Peace.

I'd really like to hear from you. Anything would be cool. You can stay anonymous or come see me on facebook. Just have alot to give back but no one to give it to right now.