Valentine's day

Or as some have called it. Singles awareness day. Now thats just S.A.D.

I had a rough weekend. I helped a friend do some painting. No big deal but I havent been feeling well lately. Thats always has me concerned due to my heart ailment. So a steady, ever increasing level of anxiety showed up. Stayed almost all weekend. But then that same friend gave me an atavan,low dose, and that has me feeling like a new man this morning.

But damn am I outta shape. Still sore across the center of my back & shoulder area. But I didnt die so thats a good thing. Right? So I get through the weekend only to find that I'm right in the middle of commercial LOVE day. Fuck'em. I don't believe in it. Saturday was the anniversary of my engagement. I think I'll remember that day forever. I only wanted to do it once so I went all out. The kind of proposal you read & dream about. But the bitch is gone now so whats the point? Bitter? You bet your ass I am. I try not to be. I've trieed the whole forgiveness thing for my own sake. Didnt take. And if I'm to be totally honest there's a part of me thats still very much in love. And that ruins it for anyone else trying to get in. Sorry honey, the doors locked, barred & rigged with explosives. There is currently no entry into my heart. Who suffers? Well I do, of course. Vicious cycle that drags me down when I should be on my way up. Its a heavy load to carry on my way to the mountain top.


So, with a tear, I celebrate the love you have, or that you believe you have. I do love to be in love. I am the romantic. But, not today. I'll keep my head down & try to avoid the fodder. I'll also try not to think of days gone by when I welcomed this day. Should be easy enough. Once I get involved with work & such this will long be an afterthought. It's the times alone when I'll be a mess later tonight. But I'm gonna love me. When I get home after rush hour on my bike I'm going to make myself a meal that most would be very proud to have. I'm gonna soak in a hot tub. I said my back still hurts. And I'm going to think a little while on what else I have planned for myself. When I satrt to think of days gonbe by I'm gonna stomp on my own foot & write down plans for the future. That could be depressing enough but I'd rather be depressed in the here & now or in the future than wallow in the past. She left. She's gone. She's never coming back & I'm never gonna get an inkling of an explanation why she did any of it.


Maybe later I'll write down some of the stuff I have done for Valentines but for now I'm just gonna leave it here & be thankful I still have me to love along with my puppies who are MY family & my friends who seem to be coming out of a winters slumber that has taken years. I'm still here! I'm a little older & a little more sad but I'm still here. Where the fuck have you been? You "friends" that bailed when times got tough. Yeah I see you. When the world fell apart & you stood on the sidelines cuz you didnt want to choose a side or "get involved" I fucking see you. Fickle sonsofbitches. I'M STILL HERE! And only God can judge me. Y'know what? I think he kinda likes me. And maybe more importantly, I like me too.

I'll share my love today. Same as I do everyday. It's not a commercial holiday to me. It's alot more & I try to behave that way all the time. I dont need a calendar to remind me to have love in my heart or to share it with others. And if you do then maybe youre the one who's S.A.D.

Peace