Day 3 part deux. Let's talk about sex ,baby.

SEX!!! Oh I got your attention now don't I? Well before I become a Harlequin romance novel I'm gonna talk about some heartbreak & some scientific aspects. 

One of my dysfunctions in life has been to equate sex as love. The more sex I get the more it means that someone loves me. Right? Wrong!

My belief is one night stands & short lived relationships based on sex are just two dysfunctional ships passing in the night. But that wasnt always the case. I have had alot of women. And alot of women have had me. In my earliest days I consciously knew of ,& used, sex as a tool of learning. What makes her tick? What feels good. If it felt good to that one will it feel good to this one? What techniques are most effective. Who is that little man in the boat & how can I get him to row my way? G-spot? Is there an A thru F? Do you know what the G stands for? I do.

So I studied. Personal experiments, book study, therapy. HEY!!! I could be good at this. And so it began. Kama Sutra? Tantra? No orgasms. Controlled orgasms. Multiple orgasms. Orifice? Which orifice? Step right up & spin the wheel. All became of interest. And for the most part here is my conclusion after a lifetime of study. Sex is mechanical. It can be incorporated into the cerebral but the actual act of getting off is mechanical. Shocking & ground breaking revelations I know.

For guys it's as easy as the instructions on a shampoo bottle. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Which, by the way, if you follow the instructions on a shampoo bottle properly & to the letter then one bottle of shampoo is good for one shower. Think about it.

Women are more like a medicine bottle. You know the one's that are "child-proof". You try to force the damn thing open but the best way is to slow down & use your mind in conjunction with the muscles. Then the cap comes off easily. Now what was all that previous frustration for? This is one time when it is in a man's best interests to read the fucking instructions or ask for fucking directions. Literally.

Now let's get to the good stuff. I cant figure out if I should start from the most recent & work back or the first & work forward. I think the latter is more reader friendly. Plus the last significant woman is gonna fill up more than one chapter for sure.

My first girlfriend ever was Julie Albert. 2nd grade. Now I did get into trouble when I was 4 for disrobing the neighbor girl under the swingset but I only mention it to allow you to see that my obsession with the opposite sex has been there for as long as I can remember. Girls never had cooties for me until much later in life & Julie well she was the first real kiss. Recess. Again at the swingset. And theres another swingset incident but it was later in life & it's X-rated so I'll save that one for just me. But to answer the question in your mind. Yes you can but it takes some doing. Anyway, Julie was the first of many to kiss. I don't remember why we broke up but I do remember being slapped in the face. Training for later.

Now between grade school & high school I learned alot but nothing significant happened so I'll jump forward. My first real experience with the lies told in a relationship started with Donna P. She was a hottie & I really liked her. Alot. We took our time & I sincerely comitted to her even though prior to that committment I played around alot. She eventually left me for another. But she lied about it. Why can't people just be honest about their feelings or lack thereof? Anyone who's ever been cheated on wonders the same thing I'm sure.

After Donna I slept around alot. Some of you know that about me. Developed quite the reputation during school. But we did have fun didnt we? At least when I wasnt scamming other guys girlfriends & screwing them in the back seats of cars. I'd like to say that I feel shame over some of those actions but thats just not the case. It happened. I'm not proud of the guy I was but I was that guy. 

The next significant woman was Kelly B. I was 17. She was 24. She actually worked with my mother & rented a room from my folks. Thanx mom. A live in girlfriend. For Me? How did you know thats what I wanted? Lovemaking took on a whole new perspective. And this was the first woman I was prepared to marry. Fresh out of high school & too young for an adult woman this was destined for failure but we spent a couple great years together. And the lessons learned are still used to this day. But there were too many drugs involved & she left me for someone that could fund her rock-n-roll lifestyle. It just so happened that this particular guy turned out to be bat shit crazy. Like he believed little green men made mountains. No kidding. What a blow to my ego. What kind of loser must I be to lose out to a guy like that? Never mind the drug fueled mentality that she had to make that decision. I put it all on me. Whats wrong with me? What did I do? What didnt I do? Why? Why? Why?

While Kelly only gets a paragraph here she screwed up my head but good. Years it took to forget & forgive. If I'm to be honest I still carry some scars from Kelly. But she got hers. During some sort of episode I heard thru the grapevine that he beat her badly & threw her out on the lawn with nothing. Years later during a visit I called her. Just to catch up. She never spoke a word. Too freaked out by my call I guess. Her loss. But during this particular episode I had moved back to St.Louis & met another. I messed her up & for that I am truly sorry. She's next.

Stephanie M.was her name. And this time I was the older one. But I didnt properly handle the previous break-up & she eventually paid the price. In the end she hurt me too but if I am to be honest then at least some of it I brought on myself. It began at my place of work. And it began very passionately. Now that I look back on it alot of our relationship was based on sex. But damn if that part wasnt good. It was one of those incredibly hot fires that cant last but puts off amazing heat while it burns. Crazy stuff. Public stuff. Whats the craziest place? Describe your wildest time. She's the girl. The good times were really good but the bad times were really bad. Here's the story. At least the part that hurts. 

Something in me had not yet healed from Kelly. Now I know alot hadn't healed. Or been dealt with in a healthy manner but little in my life was healthy. After a couple of years of being together I knew I loved her but not the way that I should. Something was gnawing at me. Like a dog & a bone. Chewing away & it left me restless. During a trip back to Atlanta I took Steph with me. I had the chance to meet with Kelly. I needed some closure. Truth is I was torn & wanted to re-kindle in some fantastical way. That was never going to happen so lets just find out what happened & why. For my own sanity.



I left Steph @ my sisters place where I found out later she was crushed & in tears. Had I known maybe I wouldve reacted differently. But I didnt & I'm sure she carried a grudge & a resentment that would later manifest itself in some awful behaviors designed to pay me back. I tried to explain my actions at the time but it didnt seem to register with her. She was still young & had not experienced affairs of the heart like this. And then there were the drugs. There was always the drugs. Trying to kill it all away. The memories would cloud but never disappear.



 We were on again off again for awhile but it was ruined. And I have to take some, if not all, of the responsibilty for that part. I'm sorry Stephanie. You didnt deserve that. I was screwed up & while that is no excuse it is the reason & I apologize. I hope you havent carried that demon as I have carried mine. That thought keeps me up at night sometimes. What did I do? How could I ? But in truth I have forgiven myself for that part. And this is why.

After we broke up I seduced a few girls. Broke the code again. Don't date or have sex with the current or ex-girlfrined of someone in your inner circle. It's amazing I didnt get my ass kicked more. I deserved it.

Karma. It is a bitch. One night at work I get a phone call from one of my closest friends. The thought of it now still makes me sick to my stomach. He called to relieve himself of his guilt. He had just slept with Stephanie. Surely her attempt to hurt me as I did her. It worked. It still hurts. You called me at work? It couldnt wait? So glad you feel better. I clocked out early. I clocked out of more than just work. She won but that wasnt good enough for her. A few months later I left for college.

College is a great time. Parties, women, drugs. Class? I'm supposed to go to class? I don't have time for that. I'm way too busy getting high & screwing my life up for class. 

On a trip home from school I got a phone call from A guy I went to junior high with. Steve was an intimidating guy in jr.high. Big & intimidating. A real bad ass if you can be such a thing at 13. He was now with Steph & apparently her honor was to be defended. I was a bit scared. Not gonna lie. When the actual confrontation took place & we met face to face he hadnt grown an inch since he was 13. Now I'm not a big guy but I had 3-4 inches & 30 lbs on him. At the point of contact he realized that maybe a mistake was made. I mean I did show up for the challenge after all & the intimidator was me this time. I let him go & scoffed at her attempt to again cause me pain. The adult on this one. The bigger man. Literally & figuratively. Privately I was in alot of pain. She had already stuck the knife in once. Now she was trying to twist it. I wouldnt let her this time but she wasnt finished yet.

Back at college I received a package. A stack of love notes from Stephanie to a friend of mine & his return letters. Wrapped neatly in a pair of panties I had bought for her. OK I'm mentally fucked at this point. On a trip home I was invited to a Halloween party at a friends hunting cabin. Middle of nowhere. Cooler full of homemade drink. Big bag of weed & his sis ran a fireworks stand so we had a trunk full of explosives. What more do you need?

I'm on the roof shooting off roman candles when up drives Stephanie & this former friend. Drunk as I was I jumped off the roof & confronted him. Backed him around the cabin towards the bon fire & proceeded to beat him with a burning stick. Later I dismantled his car & drained the oil in the parking lot of his apartment. And yet still did not feel better. Ok maybe a little. That was some devious shit you pulled. You deserved your ass beating & I'd do it again.

After that I occasionally saw Stephanie. We even did the ex sex thing. But there was always the history. And at this point if we werent trying to make each other feel good we were trying to sabotage each other. Very destructive. And it did indeed scar me. Years went by. No significant girlfriends. None that need talking about. I always wondered why my relationships would only progress to a certain point. Now you have an idea as to why too. 

Next is Charlene. Now if you think Stephanie was evil just wait til you meet Charlene. And the worst part is I still have love for them all. How bass-ackwards is that? But she will have to wait for another time. There are other stories to tell before I get to her. And after this writing my strength is gone. My emotions raw. Try as I might I cant get into my head enough to show you the true picture but I think you get the drift.

Here's what I have learned about relationships. Honor is very important. So is honesty. I've heard the term brutally honest used. There is no such thing. There is honesty & there is cruelty. If you cannot control your own words then youre not being honest with yourself about your feelings. Therefore you cant truly be honest with another. It's empirically important to be honest with yourself first before you can ever get to that point with another. Before you point that finger at me take a good look at the three pointing back at you.

I'm in a different place now in my life then I was then. I'm ready, finally, for a truly loving relationship. Sometimes I think its too late. What a shame if that were true. I'm ready to be the man for a loving healthy woman. What a waste it would be to let all the things I've learned fall by the wayside. But I remain hopeful even after all of this. And you havent heard the worst of it yet. Somewhere out there is the woman for me. She's experienced pain & loss. She's learned her life lessons & is ready to treat a man the way he should be treated. And she will accept nothing but my very best. In turn she's willing to give me her all. Her everything. I pray for that woman to hurry up & get here. I deserve her. And she deserves me.