Day 1 exploring the unknown.

So, I'm taking a trip into the unknown. We all are. Everyday. But this, this is for me & those who choose to follow.
Maybe I'll make a friend or two along the way but that's not what this is about. It's about releasing the inner demons onto a page. Journal? When it's all said & done maybe too much. But I'm gonna try this & see how it fits.
So many thoughts creep in during any given day. Some happy, some sad, but all carry more weight than I can handle so I'll lay them down here & keep progressing on my path.
I suppose some history is in order. And I promise to get to all of that but to actually write it all down now is too monumentous a task for one undertaking. So I'll move at my own pace. And if it's not fast enough then maybe you should move to another lane & go on by. Please use your turn signal & watch out for bikers. We're people too.
Let's start from the beginning. And I will try to simplify & paraphrase as much as possible with this part. " I was born a poor black child." No....Wait! That's Steve Martin.
I was a kid once. Still hold onto those values that were taught & idealisms that were developed on their own. I am an idealist. To a fault. Sometimes I think all the ideals my parents wanted to preserve were passed onto their youngest child & unfortunately they stuck.
Spent my youngest days in Missouri & still consider it home. Currently reside in Georgia & can't wait to get the hell outta here. This state is so ass-backwards its not even funny. Did you know that GA. is second only to NY in the amount of prisoners held in custody? Now why do you think that is? The laws here are a joke. Manipulated by the "good-ole boy network". Within the past few years it seems to have gotten worse. Cookie cutter politicians with no real motivation to help the public. Some of the worst unemployment in the country. Which only mirrors the condition of the school system. But I digress.
I've been fortunate in my youth. Too much so I think. I've traveled the world. No. Not everywhere but you get the point. And now for some truth. Painful as it might be. Born & raised by 2 dysfunctional parents. And so dysfunction has been in my life forever....until about a year ago. That part comes later.
 Connie & Ronnie. My folks. I do so love them. They are missed with every breath I take. Mom passed in 2007. July 8th. Her 63rd birthday. Due to complications from cancer. No more pain Mom. And I would've given everything I am not to see her suffer in her final months. But I'd also never take away the time I spent nurse-maiding her the way she did for me all those years. I honor my mother's final wishes with a vengeance that only she & I will ever know. That burden can be heavy at times but is my sworn duty & I will not fail you. Even when those that are close to me don't understand my motivations. Promises made will be promises kept til the day I die.
Dad? Well, Dad was a guy that could make friends with anyone. He became my best friend after my teen years & a couple stints in rehab. And my hero on more than one occassion. Not many can say that their father was their best friend. I can. I do & I will. He too died in 2007. Four months after Mom. Died of a broken heart that masked itself as a massive stroke in his sleep. Just a couple days after the last time I saw him @ Thanksgiving. I would have gladly been there for him in his final hours but that just wasnt his style. Dad was John Wayne, Steve McQueen, The absent minded professor, & Austin Coil rolled up into one. I will never know a better mechanic or a better friend. And neither will you.
Reminscing for me now is an undertaking in futility. That path goes but one direction & it is straight to the hell that has become my own mind. Looking back is painful. As painful as the moments themselves. I seem to be trapped in them whenever the thoughts flash. In public they're masked with a smile but privately they bring me to tears, as they do now, every single time. Even the happiest of moments. So I'm ripping off the rear view mirror as much as I can & not looking back if I can avoid it. Easier said than done. I will honor my parents to my own demise if called for. Can you understand that devotion? Will you sacrifice for the memory of? It is the only way I know now.
And we haven't yet begun on the extended family or the women in my life. But those stories can wait for another day. Another time. I didn't realize how taxing a few paragraphs could be. And I'll have to work on holding back. If I'm gonna do this then I may as well just spill it all. Eventually I will point that bright light of interrogation on myself. For now, I'm going through this as it unfolds before me. Maybe I'll get something out of the truth as I've seen it . Maybe you will too.Bob Marley wrote in his song " No woman, No cry"- " In this great future, you can't forget your past." I can never forget. In some cases I still can't forgive. But I'm trying the best I can.