what day? where?

So, I'm watching nothing. I was asleep actually. On the couch. Awakened by a dog that refuses to grasp the concept of bladder control until I sleep as long as I want.


Psshhhht! What's his deal?


Anyway, awakened to an infomercial. The Sleep Number Bed. Hmmmm, I'd bet that thing is more comfy than the couch. Well, I'm up now. I might as well look that thing up online. Open slides the back door. Dogs run outside & quickly lift a leg. I look up "The Sleep Number Bed!" Spoken in my best cheesy announcer voice. Starts at only $600.


 You've seen this. Right? The mattress that you control by adding or removing air to inflate it to the most comfortable setting for you? Cool huh?. And they even have the one with two controls for both sides of the bed. Wow! Even better I think.


Long pause, cigarette smoking. Cold air blows in with the dogs. And then it hits me. You want me to spend $1000 for an air mattress??? And then it hits me again! (slaps self in the forehead) (a little too hard) I've got an old aero bed & enough cushion. I counted by fives. My sleep number is 580.


OK So the plan today. Clean the house. The damn thing wont stay clean. And all I do is live here. I don't get it. May have a little side work on someone else's car. I do that from time to time. And I have a whole list of humdrum chores to be completed. I'd probably get more done if I turned on the radio instead of the TV & stepped away from the computer.


I have a dog that sheds & hardwood floors. I swept yesterday but as I look around (still in my morning daze) my floor is furry. If you or I lost that much hair we'd look like a pre-pubescent member of the Olympic swim team. And yet the dog doesnt look like he's dropped a strand. I've got dog hair tumbleweeds this morning. And I just swept this place!


I've got to quit masturbating. It's too difficult to do that, steer & open the bus door at the same time.


Oh quit your groaning. I get your kids to school on time every morning.


They're only late home when it's their turn to clean the windshield.

I stole that joke from Michael Kosta.