And so after a morning of writng about my frustrations about life, work, love, the snow storm & everything else under the sun my power goes out. It was only out about an hour but in the process I lost everything I had written. AARRGGGGJHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAkes me wanna.......Well, you figure it out. Is this God's way of telling me something? Is there such a thing as a run of bad luck? Cuz I dont remember having an opposing run of good luck. Or does that come after I'm able to survive the bad?
Should I start again?
Now alot of you dont know that I've had a couple near death experiences. I'm sure youve heard stories about people who have had them. Well let me tell you something. It changes you. For the better in alot of ways. The little things that most people take for granted are what I live to see everyday. Those humdrum things you never pay attention to are what keeps me going. I have a finer appreciation for things. And am infinitely more patient & calm. Plus I dont just go through the motions too much anymore. Now I do still have to make a conscious effort with alot of things but not always. I'm just different now. More zen-like if you will. For awhile I've been seeking a path to enlightenment. That brought me closer. Does that make me better? Nah. But I do wish I could give what I have received to all of you. Just without having to go thru the experience. I wouldnt wish that part on anyone.
But weird things happen too. Kids and animals are attracted to me. Birds come close when I sit in my rocking chair. Wind seems to sing. Trees seem to wave as I pass by rather than just swaying in the breeze. I'm highly in tune with my body. I feel everything. I can anticipate actions & reactions. Its just weird. But mostly in an enjoyable way.
Of course there are bad things too. I FEEL everything. That causes anxiety. I'm highly emotional.I'm lonely even when with people. I feel different. Like people cant understand. Most have shown they dont. My impending sense of mortality never leaves. I know I could go at any moment of any day. Thats scary. Like now. Right now. I have a constant fear of death which causes me seperation from others. I didnt get married or have children in large part to the fact I didnt want to leave them or hurt them with my passing. The irony? I've been like this for 15 yrs. Any child I wouldve had would be close to adulthood. And by statistical standards I would be on at least my 2nd marriage. LOL
Besides the women & the family this has been my greatest source of pain & suffering. It torments me on a daily basis. Can you put yourself in my shoes? Youre on the outside looking in. What would you do? Any suggestions? Here's my fear. I will make my fear become my reality. Just as I have with so many other things. Yet its inside me with no way out. You cant escape your own shadow kinda thing.
Is it creeping you out? Cuz it makes my skin crawl. Yet another reason why I crave love & affection. Vicious circle. No way on. No way off. Thnk I'll take a break now. Gotta get myself in a different place. MAybe I'll come back later with some comedy or a hot, torrid escapade. For now, I'm gonna have a drink & curl up in a ball for awhile. I escape with sleep. But sometimes even tht is no escape. Sometimes the dreams come. Violent enough to shoot me straight out of bed. It never ends. But the end is what I fear. Which would you choose?
I completely relate to this, Greg. I find that since my near-death experience, I seem to have a heightened sensitivity about things... I treasure the good times so much more and I grieve the bad times deeper. It's like having your heart circumcized... it's just so much more open and vulnerable. In ways I feel much more pragmatic and realistic... there's this acceptance of my mortality that I never had before but there's also this great appreciation for the gift of life. Does that make sense?
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I understand as well. You long for that connection, but the fear always always gets in the way.
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